@tibbie-x-blog / tibbie-x-blog.tumblr.com
I've written on here - long posts that get deleted - it happened twice so I paused- but without documenting yourself There might not be any eternity So it's a never dead issue all This song book photo business Holding onto love is ego If IF maybe there's enough luck or alignment or direction to have a genuine experience of love consciousness It probably didn't happen as a plan It just happened And everything else is fear of losing that happening
John Lennon and Yoko fall in Love they inspire each other - he writes IMAGINE in its simplicity and genius His solo work supported by his love smokes the entire Beatles discography Peace love and Anarchy - no hippie ego rock star front
Yoko becomes synonymous with the concept of ruining - ruining a band RUINING a man And John Lennon Is killed The world has an anti love agenda -non conspiracy theory - we live in a society based on the one that knocked down all the temples of Aphrodite to raise the temples of Apollo-
Driving to NYC and getting there it's a huge relief to get back to the city I know and respect even though I trash talk it it's my home to trash. I wish I had known Kevin all Those year I love there and Paul was right down the street and spike hung out one block over from where I was for YEARS but we got it together now and All good. Most of what I loved is gone that Alone is redundant as fuck and it's filled with obviously extremely wealthy people in extremely expensive clothes probably going to do expensive things to feed money into the city but at least it's not flatlined or claustrophobic with no opportunity like Philadelphia. Philly Is working class for People who don't want to leave and remains insular and conservative with pride that I don't relate to want or understand because I'm not from Here. The mummers parade just looked like a festival Of rapey cops and firemen and the football fans that love them. There was a fun era when GASH started of a rebellious little Music scene but the local punks exploded in hatred about small local bar parties starting websites to ban them and 500plus facebook comment threads and the PC police seem to have ran the party right outta town. I could be wrong but I think the energy of the founding fathers was patriarchy controlling slave labor to build a city for churches and the people that love them and a work force loosely based on a concept of "liberty" which in capitalism is masked routine enslavement with the trade off being a good enough humble existence as long as you don't rock the boat. But we rock- Hard. I have to pack up the mess in my room And bathroom to move some stuff today.
I'm playing the Max's Kansas City reunion tonight with Reagan Youth I did actually get to play the last very end of Max's but it was in the 90's my band X-Possibles had JUST started like we had 5 songs and never played out before and peter was very kind to give us a show since I had gotten his phone number from the customer list that was left on the counter at bleeker bobs omg he West village. Bringing kevs to the city I'm kinda freaked out about the thought that there's not much reason to go there early Because everything I knew is gone and replaced by the usual chain/sushi/condo culture I'm not sure if we should When I was pregnant and had my son I was psyched to raise him in the city I loved and was kinda ignoring that everything I loved was shut down dying closing replaced and once I had Severin the excessive construction noise and stress of moving a little baby around a construction site of a town was too much and I panic moved to Philadelphia for my at the time husbands job/free apartment. Years later we are no longer married and now I'm living in a city that is not my home. I recently did an interview with Jopincushion about the apocalypse and I kept it very America centric because I didn't want to trash talk countries I don't live in because I don't know enough really and also because it was half an hour and there's enough material here without getting into oil spills nuclear waste etc. I also admitted to eating cookies for breakfast with coffee because that happened that day but it's not a regular event and they were "organic" which I'm doubting the validity of these days as canola oil and soy lecithin is in almost everything processed. I haven't had time to work out since an average day goes like wake up spend time with my son make breakfast for me him and Kevin make my sons lunch shower get ready bring sev to school go to any random job come home pack eBay or pack to move or get things ready for the flea market pick up my son make dinner for him spend Time with him bath bedtime stuff then I have maybe an hour with Kevin if he is awake if not I have a brief amount of time to play bass or maybe write or try to sort through the 8zilliom emails and obligations I'm Fucking up because I'd need 3 months of uninterrupted computer time to send photos interviews and band info for tour stuff but kevin and I have unquestionably tapped into the LOVE consciousness I wrote so desperately and searched for obsessed over in GASH because I'm not out of shape and haven't lost anything or gained weight despite being below poverty level financial struggling like - I'm fine and that's energetic. I'm going to include this and explain more in the fitpunx program -<I hate that word I haven't had time To plan it out but my dream is to this year get the national trainer certification I was derailed from Getting before - right After moving that's the next project the only thing is it's a year long program so I have to do online classes and I had no laptop but a friend SENT me one! I'm not sure if he wants his name mentioned I have to ask him. But as soon as I get a working laptop I found the school I can get certified from the next issue is figuring out how to pay for school I'm hesitant to use gofundme because my friends struggle as much as I do- but I know I can actually help musicians health wise and less of us would be dying off because I'm a normal person who was chubby for years with major back issues thyroid problems a bad knee depression and I hate sports and I surpassed regular ass health into holy shit being strong. I'm thinking with the laptop if I do The gofundme I can offer free training videos and health information while I get certified to pay back the help because everything should be even Steven .
Very generalized observation People from upper middle class working family in anytown/neighborhood Rebel by wearing filthy clothing/not working People who come from destitution with nothing and difficult school/Job opportunity Shits tight- brand names, crispy clean clothing, style Younger People who come from the mega rich/trust fund situations- Completely Random Vintage clothing Everyone else- individuals and who cares anyway- this passing thought doesn't hold much weight it's probably mostly Philly based - a fishbowl of an almost failed city mediocrity on the brink of collapse with delusional hopes of future success As a performer without touring I'd go claustrophobic mad cycling through the same limited venues with no media outlet and even at that I've had times in the uniform landscape of repetitive chains looking up at the sky feeling trapped in a ruined land of commercial GMO nutritional wasteland geared to sell us to death to fund wars wondering how far out way out all the way out into any other exsisted s reality what else is there where else can a person go and finding the only home love trust and comfort in my family who ideally would be all together. It's probably best here for the immobilized without dreams the non-visionary eternally Empty. The kind of people who can report to their cubicle micro-focused on someone else's agenda for a delusional idea of comfort success and and a good life walking down the same street back and forth watching other people to entertain them To escape the mundane discomfort of a non-imaginative worker drone reality
I spent the last 20 minutes trying to find an ancient post that's impossible to find in EVGRIEVE where Dick Manitoba loses his shit on hipsters over pickles in the delis in NYC. It's the best- all caps lock and fuck yous for a long time. Reagan Youth Paul seriously dishes out some truths also but we all hate hate. It's Not hate it's just talkin but in this modern era the paranoia of being called out on social media (or in general) has created a gruesome good guy censorship club of mass outrage commentary on whatever media dictated topic rallies enough attention. I just want to call The hashtag a pound sign forever. Colorado is a really cool place. I didn't see that much but it feels like there's remnants of freedom there and space. Man I'm a dick carrying my Bass and bag onto the plane I whacked an older lady in the face with my Bass like it was bad but turned around with my bag and knocked this jerky guys laptop off the table and the headphones fell out of his ears and Then his attitude "thanks a lot " I got one I'm sorry before hiding my face in the wall because I was crackin up That guy was pissed I don't think I'm A hippie but everyone can be having fun and not miserable because we all have to Sit down and do Nothing for A few hours. Like It COULD be fun - Whatever
This is old news but it's my moms will. I had to go through some official records office to get a copy sent to me. My mom died many years ago so this is nothing new but going through papers I found this and it's interesting to read again as more Of an adult. At the time I was struggling to get by in NYC and I held my moms hand as she died from cancer in New York and my "family" were typically self absorbed in their own drama. I have a solid image of my grandparents loudly arguing about cousins and my dad eating pie out of the pie plate and then telling me I had to hug him, so I did but it was way way way detached confused and a huge ok this guys been mentally ill my whole life it's not about me here just whatever can be done to help him and diffuse this chaos A thumbs up - My mom was the closest person to me and really and I barely knew her. She kept personally quiet and isolated and was sick most of my childhood but I believe she tried her best to exist but was too used to oppressive control from both my manically Depressed dad and war damaged grandparents. I think my cousin Irv may have actually known her I think she confided in him and I'd like to meet up With him hopefully soon. I stayed with her as she died and her last word to me were "don't leave" after that she left That day I walked away from all my relatives. I have a note from my dad blaming me for my moms cancer and for everything else wrong with his life her life etc. I hadn't lived at home since I was 17 really earlier since I started college at 15 and was mostly with my friend L who saved my life at the time. So when I got the phone call of my dad raging screaming "he's in charge and I will receive nothing" I decided not to fight this and let him have the money and live his life because he's really Really Really Really damaged and I didn't feel clean or right about fighting him in court for my dead moms life insurance. As destitute as I've been at least my soul isn't empty also. I made an attempt to meet up with him once in NYC at a deli by grand central in 2005. He was so hammered on painkillers (that I used to get from him before all of this) he was mumbling about his arm hurting and stumbled to get some ginger candy and his girlfriend who I actually really like was trying to make it all ok talking about local shopping in NYC - so I left. After a series of caps lock emails from Him I cut ties entirely because I think really there's noway after a lifetime of emotional abuse and stealing from Me I HAVE to be the bad guy. I think he honestly believes I am and it's subconscious protection that I could never break through. This is relevant now because I have to actually stand up for my son and myself with lawyers and court and I hate it. I really don't understand why how like Why is it not possible To just meet talk it out and come To a mutual Peaceful agreement instead of thousands of dollars spent on strangers to sit across from Each other and then his guy lies and my guy says it's a lie and then they walk away and discuss and then what we would've just said to each other for free is formally agreed on and then there's bills for 5000 that I will never be able To Pay and if it comes to a point where I'm in big trouble About having to pay them it takes away from my ability to financially support my son which is the reason we are meeting up like this in the first place. I'm going to a job to serve ice cream cones to college students then picking up my son and then getting ready to fly to Colorado for a show Reagan Youths playing tomorrow. I have horrible work anxiety and I hope I can stifle bursting out into tears and pacing around in the bathroom thinking I'm obese because the anxiety changes into body dysmorphia and I can get really Wrapped up in that. I can't wait to see my son And then be on the plane. Ps the ice cream Job doesn't suck I just have a very hard time being out in daylight around people. The end.
I went out to see Jesus and Mary Chain last night at union transfer and it's safe to say I'm never going out again anywhere ever. It was the first time since September and the general anxiety mixed with having horrible eye-sight glasses the cause vertigo which I have anyway it all escalates to extreme paranoia and dysfunction. It's not that I have a disorder it's not a chemical imbalance it's not anything wrong with me - I think most New Yorkers who survived the 90's and moved somewhere weird have the same "oh fuck" feeling when they leave their home at night. It's just incident after incident over many years =s max capacity for problem tolerance like ok - I'm going out there What NOW who is going to bother me NOW fuck. The band was alright they played a bunch of new songs that sounded like old songs only I didn't know them. I really wanted this Tshirt that Kenny who died who used to sing for Reagan Youth had but they only had new shirts. I should've gotten his it was just black and said the band name in red diagonally. I think I'm happiest just home wth Severin Kevin and all the music meeting bands seeing bands and people happens on tour and I'll stick with that format. That photo up there was when me an Kevin tattooed Reagan Youth on Alex Kampo Sardinia. Actual tattoo gun back stage and that was the start of our adventure there and that kinda stuff can't be beat. Taking severin to Legoland today. In the past I would've had a private meltdown alone in my closet about going to this commercialville mall mentality set up but sevs has had a bad cold I didn't want to bring him anywhere like physically that active and I have fun with these guys anywhere and I'm not alone with my thoughts anymore cause we all get it. It's that solo separation of fuck the world is fucked am I the only One seeing this? Not anymore
My gym membership automatically renewed but I didn’t know and I don’t answer my phone and I hadn’t been going so Whenever I saw these calls from NYC I ignored them because only old friends from New York call when people die It sucks that Freddie Died, that guy was cool with me and gave zero fucks about local Philly peops when they had their anti-GASH tantrum. I have a great photo of us together but I’ll just keep it because it’s ego to post on fb. Much love to Dana and the band losing a band member especially a big personality like him leaves an emptiness inside. Band members are more than friends (if they aren’t total dicks) I’m talking about real band members that you create and travel with. GASH were extremely uncomfortable (understatement) when Kevin and I were unavoidably in love and in a “liberation for all” band it’s just ironic Liberation for all except for us…? They decided on some fear based “rules”‘which were communicated behind our backs and through repressed silence there was a person I knew. There was a person I was with for years who at time was a bisexual transgender woman who was blatantly sexually overtly flirtatious with all my bandmates, sexually active with my friends … anyone I was in contact with including people who interviewed us and the and people who booked us fans I met - Basically anyone who was interested. So after a years of avoidance with Kevin when it became unbearable to deny our truth for the happiness of others because wtf is that all about it’s exactly what I had been fighting against for other people for years- So yeah we were not welcomed with open arms over here But anyway my gym membership - they are letting me slide and not pay the 300- something dollars for the months I missed but I have to rejoin at 40$ a month. I haven’t been working out and that’s like a major part of my life so it’s just another 40$ a Month on top Of all The other insane amounts of money I’ve had to emergency come up With out of freakin nowhere because of other people’s inability to communicate and fear based untrue accusations about what “could” happen in their delusions having nothing to do with reality. No problem RIP Freddie you were mad cool with me/us , and the world needs more badass individuals like you.
I've never been on the schedule of mandated holidays but this one is ❤️- My son tries to remind me that it's important to love myself first but family still comes first. Maybe I'll figure it out someday but I love these guys with all my heart and I'm missing the other half of our family in Nevada today. Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there and to anyone who's wrongfully separated I wish you all the love in the universe to be brought back together again. ☯️🎆💖
I love playing music with people I love. I've had some kinda mega blessing luck persistence will drive obsession sacrifice and dedication to be able to play music I love with people I love. Mind body spirit life dedication besides being a parent and wife it's the one thing in life that I'm sure of wanting to do and the reasons are natural 1- there is nothing energetically comparable to being in the moment of a great song live shared with band members - friends/fans and the universe. Whatever it is that religious people hope to achieve in the afterlife- 2- music has the ability to change the world and its a free platform for anybody to instigate change uncensored and to continue that message eternally 3- its freedom- nowhere else can I just exist without some degree of repression/social "good" Behavior 4- music is the nucleus of rebellion it's what brings everyone together and it's a way to meet inspired people all Over the world. This could be #1 reason for me I mean I met Kevin playing a Reagan Youth show in Vegas. Countless friends all Over the world - I can't imagine being one of those bands separated from the audience like closed off backstage van hotels- what's the point like that's like going on vacation to a tourist gated destination experiencing nothing... A few years ago We were on a California tour and I visited my friend Evil Lucy after a gig and she gave me this some Very strong edibles to last the rest of the tour. We had a long drive to Vegas and I ate a small piece got hungry 45 minutes later and decided fuck it and are the whole thing. I vaguely remember sitting in the front, our driver was telling me about how she was in AA and the scenery was changing - I was staring at a cactus which had to be many Over and over since we were moving while Paul was talking for a long time and the whole world condensed into one point in front of us on the road- we drove through it and when we came out the other side it was a blast of colors and daytime in the darkness for a second and I could see the entire landscape with like superhero peripheral vision. I interrupted Paul and told him I just went through a time portal. I can see everything now. Nobody cared - a lot of times I speak and people just talk over me I'm Pretty used to it. I have a low voice and I'm detached and in my head a lot so I probably do the same thing to them. Anyway we got to the venue and I got put on merch and I helped organize the tshirts. I had texted my friend Pete to meet me there and to please bring some coffee I thought maybe caffeine would dull out the hallucinations a little. So I was standing behind the merch table and this guy says "as soon as your done slamming that frappucino I'd like to get a shirt" That was kevin- I looked at him, panicked- said "I'm sorry I totally can't handle this" grabbed Paul's shoulder and said "I'm outta here" and bailed. I stood in the bathroom with racing thoughts about getting my shit together - the rest of the night is a blur I know we had a lot Of fun playing the set because there's a video, Months later when GASH needed a drummer Kevin replied on facebook and drove cross country to tour with us... more about that maybe if I write about that someday It's pretty expected to get a lot of crap about this life, if uptight unhappy conservative repressed types were supportive and thought it was "cool" then really it would be lame. Rock-n-roll has always fought dull authority. Since the underground has been so commercialized for so long there's an issue with the "masses" - follower lames who would have otherwise just been good little boys and girls in their success uniforms expensive button down shirts crispy new safe clothing working computer jobs eating gmos and watching tv - these kinds now dye their hair sew some patches on a vest and have a lot of judgmental rules they post about on facebook. There are no rules in rock-n-roll. There is no boss there is no authority and there is no set standard for what anyone should be doing or saying. The blue meanies have their space on facebook to condemn with support of their peers and I guess feel important or right or whatever but in reality My son has this book "What do people do all day" And that's what I think about them. For anyone who has said to me How can you stand being in a band it's not stable shouldn't you have something more steady shouldn't you blah blah blah I just think What do YOU do all day? When is the last time you did what you love carried forth a message you believe in and travelled through multiple countries experiencing genuinely new and exciting real life circumstances. Are you in love? Do you have genuine friends that you can share worldly experiences with? Do you live your truth? I want my son to live in a world where he has the right and ability to carry out his truth - not the right to pick a lesser option in order to be "safe" and live unfulfilled with resentment towards other fearless people doing what he wishes he could've would've should've done. Everyone had the right to exist as they want.
This is never going to last. Also I got like 5 likes about having this on facebook so like not too many people are going to read it. It's like a private public space online. Dear Diary, today I prepared lunches for a catering company to serve to someone, I'll find out who tomorrow. It was really quiet in there so I put pandora on but I never use it and I haven't been doing the thumbs up thumbs down thing so all these crappy songs kept coming on and I got massive anxiety about stopping what I was doing to walk across a busy kitchen to thumbs down a song. Working through stone temple pilots live versions in dead silence when you know other People in the room are like damn this song sucks is very uncomfortable. The end.
My son always wakes up to watch the sunrise- he sits peacefully by the window and comments on the colors and wakes me up If it's a really good one. On my way to a catering job Joe Stoic (of the stockyard stoics of course) got for me. Mostly it's assembling sandwiches- Id write more but I don't have the opportunity to think clearly right now.
I’m painting cardboard boxes black so that they look cool to display everything I’m selling for this punk rock flea market I’m doing June 3rd- I think that’s the date. I haven’t been sleeping much and there’s so much to do because I’m moving again, trying to find more work, release an album, start a fitness company, stay in shape, paint, make Jewelry, draw, write Music and tours coming up and I’m preparing for the summer with my son and Kevin’s kids well all the kids are “our” kids but Kelli and their son and daughter are coming here soon. I stare at the calendar because it’s such a relief finally YES can’t happen soon enough that we all Get to be together. It’s impossible to paint without the paint going everywhere and that’s not a complaint. Neat painters are mysterious it’s such a physical event. Since I’m leaving here I’m trying really hard to not get it on the walls and carpet so we get our security back which we already had to Fight for. Due to traumatic circumstances a few months ago We miraculously pulled off getting enough $ with work, friends, music lovers support to get this apartment.6 months later the owner decides he’s selling it and is driving me nuts bringing strangers into our home to show it. It’s ON south street and nobody warned us it’s beyond loud as hell almost Every night because of the bar across the street. Seriously I’m from NYC , I play loud music and talking beyond that it’s like some kind of new world apocalyptic display of mutated zombie “party” behavior, like For Instance Someone’s car alarm will Get set off from The vibrations of the bass from another car blasting music and people will yell WOOOOO and stand around the car alarm doing a kinda dance while shouting just noises. Also there is a mouse situation but ignoring that stuff I actually liked it here and would’ve stayed but it’s clear they want us out. Then it became clear that they didn’t want to give us our security deposit back for reasons too boring to blog about but luckily like Kevin isn’t really someone anyone wants to argue with- he stood up for us like When the news was delivered to me an my 6 year old son it was told as if - sorry there is nothing we can do. Next day Kevin has a talk with them - all good Now. So we have to move- coming up with another round of first last one months security after just doing that on top Of the regular cost of just moving is like DAMN. Really? It’s not impossible though. I am very motivated to prove myself to the people who doubted me and put my son an I in this situation to begin with. Luckily throughout everything that’s happened I have genuine love and family and bandmates now and what really Is more important than that?
I’m busy right now but in the middle Of all This I just remembered I have a blog and it’s so 90’s to keep an online journal I’m into it.
I wrote a book- I'll probably make about 10 more of these #GASH #GASHOFFICIAL #littleblackbook #TibbieX #storytime #books #punk
#reaganyouth #reaganyouthofficial #TibbieX #tour is coming up soon #texaspunk August 18-25 #NYHC #peacepunk #degenerated #bassist
