Tangled Thoughts

Lines in the snow [Vista 200]

Talking in my sleep at night, making myself crazy

I am so scared for you to come back. I am so scared for you to move home, because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how I feel about you. I don’t know if you are the one I want. When we last spoke I realized I cared, a lot. I had been hiding feelings and trying so hard to just pretend the summer had never happened. I think now, the idea that you might come back and there could be a an us again scares me so much. Can I trust you? Or would there be another me? I don’t know if I should let you back in or keep my distance. I don’t know if I should open back up and try to go back to the way we were before the lies and miscommunication. Or should I hide? Should I run away and keep my distance? Should I play it safe and stay away from you until you can prove that you can be the person for me...THE THOUGHT OF YOU COMING BACK SCARES ME.  

Sometimes I wonder if I am just holding on to you because feel scared that there is no one else for me. When I stop to think about it I don’t think I actually want your attention or your affections, because when there have been distractions I don’t think about you. It is only in my moments of being alone and scared that I turn to you and look for any form of affection. And every time I turn to you, you are there, but guarded. You might be holding back, or maybe you are really tired of my BS and my constant need to check in and make sure you still care or feel something. Maybe you are over it and just play along because you know, as well as I do, how this goes. I really hope you care...I really hope you care about me the way I care about you and maybe, just maybe, we can remember what things were like and try again. 

And now what? In the movies you come crawling back. You explain yourself and your reasons possess some twisted logic that makes me forgive you. You confess you’re confused and in doing so find clarity - I love you or you’re the one or it’s always been you. But this is not a movie. There is no twisted logic that leads to forgiveness. Your inactions speak louder than any action. Your silence sends the clearest message - I am not worth your time. And what is sad or what hurts the most is I cared. I cared beyond the physical. I cared beyond the surface. I cared about you and I cared for you. 

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You pulled me in close and kissed me hard. I could feel my body melt into yours. Your hands on my waist had become a familiar pressure. The smirk on your face hid the truth we both have been avoiding. “See you in two weeks.” The words left your lips and hit mine. They masked the truth - our time was up. I wish I had spit them out. I wish I had pushed you away and run. But your grip was too strong, you eyes held be captive. And then, poof, you were gone. You left me with silence. You left me in silence. 

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I don’t know what I expect you to say, but I would appreciate something. Being kept in limbo sucks...a lot. Walking in I knew she existed, and I thought I would be okay with it because I thought I was the cool girl who could have a causal thing. But I am not the cool girl, in fact, I am so far from being the cool girl it isn’t even funny. I knew I liked you the when I woke up to a soft kiss on my shoulder the morning after the birthday party. I knew I was stuck, you had me trapped. And now here we are, I am sitting on my couch holding on to the hope that you will keep your promise. But I am losing hope. This wasn’t going to last - in fact, it wasn’t ever meant to start so I can’t be mad, frustrated, or annoyed. But I can be hurt and I disappointed. You hurt me, but I will rebuild - I always do. 

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The Mountainous Lake

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The ranch was great - but clearly it was just a weekend

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Route Sakura

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