there's coffee in beer mugs

sorry mate I can’t talk right now I’m being chased by a lit trail of gunpowder

Hey what’s that pouring out of your pocket?

oh god

jonas brothers on the radio… people watching fruits basket… it’s really 2009 again huh 

hey guys i’m so sorry

Tony Hawk’s Twitter is a gold mine honestly

We Stan this San Diego Man

my favorite character is “a sunset” from the tv show “real life”.

you should know that the wiki actually says this:

and thats pretty fucked up. im not a real life fan but this seems like something a character shouldnt do. :/

i think we should cancel the sun

i don’t consume media to “have” “fun” i consume media in the same way catholic peasants lashed themselves in the streets in the 1300s

Honestly it's not that bad as it sounds. It takes the eagles about 2 hours to get to my liver and another 2 to eat it. The whole ordeal is over by one and I've got the afternoon to myself.

hey what's up youtube, still chained to this rock with eagles pecking out my liver,

ENOUGH is EnOUgH

When I was a kid, my mom was a judge and my dad was starting his solo practice, and they both worked full time. There were four of us kids between the ages of one and seven (the Just Us League) and no decent daycares nearby, so they hired a nanny.  She had three almost-adult children, and on days when she couldn’t work, one of her kids would substitute. The oldest kid was named Bob, age 18, and he had just finished army basic training when this all went down. Bob did not have the good sense god gave a rock. 

I have an older brother, Jake, who was seven; then me, Hellen, age five, then Seth, age three, and my little sister Gin would have been one. It was late August, and we were at our nanny’s house, though she was gone for the day. Bob was in charge.

Bob should probably not have been in charge.

Bob tried keeping us entertained with board games and tag and movies. Gin took a nap. Eventually he decided to get creative, and sat us down in the living room with a game and vanished into the garage. There was a smashing sound. And then some saw noises. And then some hammering. And then we saw him going around the house to the back yard through the windows, though we were too short to see what he was doing. And finally, he yelled to us to come out into the driveway. 

Jake and Seth and I trooped out. Bob had both hands behind his back. He stepped up to Jake and revealed what he had in his right hand. 

It was a wooden sword. It was clearly made from what appeared to be parts of a chair’s legs, cut down and nailed together. He presented this, and announced, “You are Sir Jake, the strongest knight!” 

He stepped up to Seth and presented what was in his left hand. It was another wooden sword, smaller than the first, also crudely made out of chair legs. He announced, “You are Sir Seth, the bravest knight!”

At this point, I was practically vibrating in place, waiting eagerly for my sword so I could use it to whale on my brothers, as god intended me to do. I was therefore understandably disappointed to be presented with the business end of a garden hose and told, “You are Miss Hellen, the Water Fairy!”

“No,” I said. “I want a sword.”

Bob was confused. “But you get water magic! Magic’s great!”

“No.” I repeated, holding the hose. It had a spray nozzle set to jet. “I want a sword.”

“Magic’s great. Magic’s better than a sword.” Bob insisted. “You’ll see. Wait here a moment.”

And then Bob ran around the side of house and vanished. 

We stood in the driveway. Jake and Seth poked each other with their swords. I spritzed them idly with the hose, trying to decide which of them would be easier to steal a sword from. 

And then we heard a quiet wooshing noise, and smelled smoke. 

We turned. As we watched, a line of fire rushed around the corner of the house, consuming a path of gasoline poured into the dry August grass. 

We paused and considered this for a few moments. I raised the hose and sprayed a jet of water at the fire. It went out. We glanced at each other. Then we took off running, following the trail of fire, spraying as we went. 

The fire led in a path around the house to the back yard. As we turned the corner, we saw Bob, clad in a bathrobe and holding a curtain rod, standing in the center of a large ring of burning grass. He cackled manically. “I am the FIRE WIZARD! Your puny swords are useless! Nothing but water magic can defeat me!”

I promptly blasted him with the hose. He spluttered. The fire did not go out. 

I turned the hose on the fire itself, spraying a section close to us so that it would extinguish. As soon as there was enough room, Jake charged forward, brandishing his chair leg sword with a battle cry. Seth, always happy to be included, followed. They ran into the circle and began beating Bob around the kneecaps with their swords. I kept spraying. 

Eventually, Bob the Fire Wizard was brought down and all the fire was extinguished. Seth and Jake continued to work on bruising Bob’s shins, and I quickly discarded the hose to lend my fists and extremely pointy elbows to the cause. Bob lay in the smoldering grass, probably regretting using such sturdy chair legs. 

Once we’d all tired ourselves out and lay panting in a heap, Bob decided it was time for the moral of the story. “You see, a sword is nothing compared to the power of a little girl with **magic**.” 

We thought about this for a few moments. Bob nodded wisely. Jake and Seth nodded back. 

“I still want a sword.” I said. 

there’s a lot of people in the tags and replies expressing several concerns, which I will address:

Is that a real bird?? :0

Yes, she’s real. This is Arson, her mate, Larceny, and their idiot children, Forgery and Fraud.

Arson lives her life constantly wishing she had opposable thumbs so she could light fires.

What a ride

The absolute mania of naming your pets after felonies.

thrilled to report that that was also me

me, staring at a four line long sentence

annotated margins but it just says “gay???” repeatedly at various points throughout the book

every single social interaction i've ever had has been complete guesswork

every time i have a conversation i spend the next 30 minutes after grading myself

YALYALLLL YALLLL YAL

MY MOM SAID IF I COULD GET 100,000 NOTES I CAN GET A DAGGER

PLEASE HELP ME

IM NOT ALLOWED TO REBLOG OR SPAM MY OWN POST SO HELP ME OUT GUSY

PLEASE I WANT A DAGGER

this seems like a good cause

Time to put my blog to interesting use.

@tilltheendwilliwrite​ Can we help this lovely out? 

@bittergayvvitch

So this post was originally made on September 11th 2020. I am reblogging on September 13th of the same year. At the time my computer first loaded this post it was at ten-thousand-one-hundred-and-eighty-two notes. By the time I’d scrolled down to it and chose to open it in a new tab so I could check when it was originally made, it had increased to 10,191 notes. When I noticed this as I was preparing to reblog, I reloaded the page and found that the number had reached 10,198.

What I’m sayig is that somewhere, someone’s mother is quite likely approaching the realization that they may actually be compelled to live up to their end of this little bargain.

I am now about to hit reblog, but before I do I’m reloading the page one last time. In the time it has taken me to type this, the number has reached 10,205.

were only 1/10 th of the way there but yeah, my mom is kinda scared now

Haha yeah we’re getting you a dagger.

Totally want to see pictures when you get it!

Can you get one of the ones with an ornate handle pls daggers are very pretty to me

why do i need to come out ? if you still think im straight then that's on you

yo show up at my wake and walk upstairs to the bedroom to say goodbye but instead of a casket you find out my body’s in one of these

one time my childhood friend was playing outside in this same turtle sandbox and she got tired so she laid down in the sand and covered it and fell asleep and her mom couldn’t find her and they put out an amber alert and the cops came and questioned my 10 year old ass because I was “the last person to see her alive”