2022 was an odd one.
in the past 24 hours I stopped and started this entry multiple times in different word processors, and all of them started with a variation of that sentence. I guess that means it really was a year I don’t really know what to make of.
even writing this feels… redundant, in some way. because who am I doing it for, actually? why am I doing it, if I don’t know what to write about and all I can think is “that was weird”? still, I’ve been doing this January 1st thing for the past five years now, and I think I owe it to myself to figure myself out as I go.
so.
2022. like I said — an odd one. a chaotic one. furthest bit removed from a boring one. at the start of it I was still terrified to even hug a friend, and then I made the conscious choice to go out into the world again and put myself in situations I was uncomfortable with after having been cooped up in my home for two years. actually — uncomfortable doesn’t begin to cover it. I was scared out of my mind, and was constantly put in situations which asked something of my very panicked brain that felt insurmountable.
it wasn’t. I did it, and it went well, and I felt a buzzing and contentment I hadn’t dared to feel in a really long time. everything felt exciting, albeit terrifying. and then I caught covid, and the terror came back in tenfold. all of the fear I had felt the entire past two years were then condensed into ten days that felt like hell in so, so many ways, and from that point on, somehow, everything got more hectic than before. I’m not sure I processed any of those things. I’m not sure I actually moved past that fear from two years ago until now. I don’t think I did — I just had no time to let it grow, because there were so many things.
things like orchestrating a whole office move, when you’re the least organised person you know, and discovering you can do whatever you set your mind to. things like going abroad for the first time in years, despite your brain shouting terror, and finding excitement there you had missed for years now. things like going to a congress outside the country for work, knowing you’ll have to impress more than you have ever before, and giving it your all and having it be seen. things like forming a bond with people who need to trust you for your work, and watching it pay off. things like facing your darkest thoughts in therapy, and going through the treatment you spent your whole life trying to avoid. things like re-evaluating what’s important to you and fits in your life, and what doesn’t, and being honest with yourself about it.
things like letting yourself have your feelings, and not running away from the scary thing you always used to flee from, but facing it head-on and sitting with it. moving past the fear, despite it paralysing you. letting yourself be, the way you want to be. allowing yourself to reach out, when you need to. allowing yourself the little pleasures, just because.
all the feelings I didn’t feel in 2020 and 2021 came back to me in tenfold in 2022. not because there was room for them, not at all, but because I knew I had to stop hiding from myself and allow them back in, room or no room. in my brain, there were all these islands I had stored all my past feelings on, all the things I didn’t want to revisit, and they were safely removed from each other, lakes and seas and oceans separating them all. it worked for years. it allowed me to function and get to where I am now.
but without warning they stopped serving me and started holding me back instead. I needed to island-hop faster, switch back and forth quicker, and found I couldn’t. I found distance where closeness should be.
and so I spent this year reconnecting all these islands slowly, and very, very carefully. and at last, I allowed myself to be me. wholly. fully. all these islands have now drifted back to each other and have suddenly formed a continent I need to relearn how to rule.
what the new regime includes, I’m not sure yet. I’m still figuring that out as I go. but I do know it excludes intense self loathing, punishment and a deep feeling of not being enough. that set of basic rules used to feel like a friend before, but suddenly started to feel redundant. I grew tired of the laws, let alone how the people around me must feel about them. the land needed a new king, and the only one who could make that happen was me.
and funnily enough, the feelings I had stored away proved necessary in this new kingdom. so in 2022 I felt, and I felt, and I felt. it was exhausting. never before have I felt more raw or vulnerable, but the difference this time around compared to the vulnerability of years ago is that these days, I know who I am. I know where I stand. most of the time, I know my worth (solidly, without faking it like I used to do the whole previous decade).
I’m not there yet. I know I’m not. currently I’m facing a decision that’s been simmering for at least twenty years now, and I’m finally allowing it to become real in my mind, whether I go through with it or not. I have learned that my only protector is me, and it’s a tough pill to swallow.
but no matter what happens, my islands are no longer islands.
no matter what happens, the decision is mine, and it’s time I start behaving like it, because this?
this is my kingdom.
and I’m the one who gets to rule it.