Every day without you is painful.

I really couldn’t grasp how hard it was on anyone to have to put their pet down. I never got it. I never thought it was really as hard as people said it was. But fuck. I get it now. Every day I feel like small parts of me are dying. I hold all my pain and hurt inside because I feel like everyone has moved on, and expects that I’ve done the same. I miss you, Ella every fucking day. There are still mornings where I expect to wake up to you licking my hand to get me to wake up. There are still days where I expect to see you at the door when I get home. But there is nothing there. No 60lb ball of fur curled up in the corner of the couch dreaming of God knows what. Just nothing. You were my best friend since I adopted you in 2012. You never left my side. I regret every day that there were times where I didn’t appreciate you as much as I should of. Or those couple of months where you were at my moms, and her and Adam didn’t let me have you back until I paid them and earned you back (I deeply apologize that they put us through that. I don’t know why they were hell bent on keeping you from me). I thought the time without you by my side, and miles away from me was so damn hard. But this, this is something I didn’t think would happen for a long time. I didn’t think it would of happened until you had lived a full life, and just got too old to live life anymore. You were only 7. You weren’t supposed to leave me yet. I wanted you to meet the kids we want to have. I wanted you to see me become a mother. You were there for me through so many major milestones, and I wanted that to be one as well. I’d give anything in this world to have you back. You were my first real and true love, because you never left my side. You never gave up on me, you never judged me, and you never made me question my self worth like a lot of people have. If I had to say goodbye to you alone, and didn’t have Mike, I honestly don’t think I’d be alive right now. Because you were the only living thing on this planet that kept me alive at times. When I was questioning why I was even alive, I couldn’t bring myself to leave you behind. And I’m sorry I almost did a while ago. At the time I didn’t care about anyone or anything, aside from just ending it all. But waking up in the hospital, you were literally the first thing that crossed my mind. I needed you so badly in that moment. It wasn’t until months later that I got to finally see you. Again, I’m so so sorry I almost left you and your brother behind. And that I didn’t come to get you sooner. I need you so damn much right now. What sucks so much, is that great things are happening right now. All of your daddy’s hard work paid off, and he has a job! I know you’d be so proud of him. I wish you were here to celebrate it with us. The cats are doing their best to make us okay. But you were the best at making me happy. At making me okay. I tried to justify this to myself by saying you were here for a purpose, and that God put you in my life to fulfill that purpose, and you leaving this world just meant you did what you came here to do. And while I still believe that 100%, that doesn’t make that any better. You were the best part of me. You were my shadow, my mini me. I don’t have kids, but I swear I loved you as much as I would of a child I gave birth to. I miss you so fucking much Ella. You were more than a dog, you were my best friend and my rock. Having your dad here makes it bareable, but definitely not easier. He’s just as sad that you’re gone. I keep all of this to myself, because I feel like if I talk about it, if I talk about you, I’ll start to let you go. I can’t let you go. I can’t get the image of watching and feeling you take your last breath out of my head. It’s stuck there. Forever. I’m getting a tattoo of you soon, please be there with me when I get it, and let me know you’re there. I’m really hoping that by getting it, and being able to see you in some way every day will make it a little better. I miss you so much.

Love you always,

Mommy

Nothing like having flashbacks you never wanted to have.

Yay anxiety. Said no one ever. 

I don’t know if it’s all in my head, or if it’s real.

When people tell me I pissed them or someone else off, I feel compelled to ask them if they want a fucking medal.

I may have never seen death, but I've heard it drain the life out of her at 11 at night.

We both have completely different lives now. We’re basically strangers to each other. I don’t regret much in my life, because every choice I’ve made both good and bad has lead me to where I am today. But I regret not trying to save you three years ago. You’re fine now, but I can’t help to think it would of been my fault if you weren’t.