So F**king Earnest

Stede is gonna be mediocre at sex with Ed? Like that man doesn’t pay attention to the smallest detail down to Ed’s pinky nail and wells of psychological trauma? Like that man hasn’t spent months putting together strings of words that burrow straight into Ed’s soul as soon as they’re found? Like that man doesn’t have a lifetime of repressed desires just bursting to get out of him? Like that man doesn’t know exactly how Ed feels from moment to moment, has since the first time they met, and has taken a Master’s level course in The Study of Edward Teach since?

Like, good sex ain't pure mechanics. It’s being attuned to your partner's needs and desires and listening to what they like and what they don’t. There are plenty of people who have tons of sex but aren’t really good at it because they’re more concerned about their pleasure than their partner’s.

And it’s also about the partner. Ed’s not just lying there letting Stede get on with it. He’s guiding and talking and responding and giving Stede pleasure too. Not to mention encouragement, and you know that Stede Bonnet responds well to positive reinforcement.

So while he may not be 100% competent with the mechanics yet, you better believe Stede is listening to every goddamn sound Ed makes, and every goddamn reaction his body has, and making an exhaustive list of exactly How to Make Edward Teach Come So Hard That He Blacks Out And It’s Actually Kind Of Scary For A Minute that he will dictate to Lucius the next morning.

Stede’s whole thing is that what he lacks in mechanical skills he makes up for in empathetic wisdom, whimsical enthusiasm, and a wholehearted dedication to the bit. Like, you think that little man so pocked with self-esteem issues would be so goddamn smug the next morning if he didn’t KNOW he had just fixed Ed’s lower back?

I think we lean into Stede being a cringe-fail dork while sometimes ignoring that he does actually have a strong skill set that includes emotional intelligence, planning and innovation, and being in love with Ed.

Tl;dr: Stede Bonnet, Worst Pirate of the Caribbean, made Edward Teach see colors in a whole new spectrum. And that was just their first time. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Also props to Ed Teach for spending his time in purgatory relentlessly psychoanalyzing himself in the form of arguments with Monstrous Father 2.0, who at one point tells him that he has daddy issues.

Edward Teach inventing Freudianism as he hovers between life and death.

LET US REMEMBER. The dingbats are actually a pretty small slice, and as someone who kinda kicked the door in following Season 2, I've had a really lovely experience within this fandom overall. I'd rather fight with reasonable people who disagree than jackasses who have decided that an excellent antagonist should be a terrible protagonist for some fucking reason.

Also, Ed and Stede are even now calling each other increasingly saccharine pet names that they both adore.

I’ve seen it, I know it’s coming, I am aware of what will happen next, but the goddamn moment we get to the montage as Stede begs Ed to wake up and Ed sees all those tender moments of their past together, and the music crescendos, and Stede is there in the water with him and he decides to live…

It's so good, man.

Once more and again: props to Stede Bonnet. He spent literal months longing for Ed, writing him letters, working through his own fears, trying to figure out where he was. Then he finds out that that his crew killed this man with whom he’s deeply in love, and his response is to think of them first. He takes the blame on himself. He defends them, he tries to talk Zheng out of executing them, and he saves their lives - including the life of a man who tried to kill him many times.

And only after they’re all safe does he take the space to mourn.

What a fucking hero.

You ever think about how Ed almost definitely never said Stede’s name in Archie’s presence so she likely heard about him from the rest of the crew? So the impression of him being taller and more muscle-y likely came from them, not Ed?

Izzy, after attempting to purchase Ed from a colonial power: You really want to lick the king's boots?

Stede, whose life literally depends on Ed signing the Act of Grace: You really don't have to do this.

Izzy tries everything he can to literally possess Ed. Stede would rather give up his own life than for Ed to be coerced.

I am amused that Rhys’s son was cast as “young sensitive Stede Bonnet” and Taika’s daughters were cast as “filthy urchins given lots of weaponry.”