She Falls Like Rain

@essteeayellkayeearr / essteeayellkayeearr.tumblr.com

Posts
Avatar

I hate who I am. I hate how I am. What the fuck is this over thinking bullshit. Why do you have to do this. Fuck. Can’t you just take it one day at a time and stop looking into the past or the future? Why are you so scared of everything. Don’t make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. My mind has always betrayed me. What’s in there is nothing like reality. How can I trust it.

#i want to punch a wall#or my face#would it make me feel more normal
Avatar
reblogged
Avatar
essteeayellkayeearr1-blog

Realised that it feels awkward using the word “happy” because it’s almost like a nonexistent part of my vocabulary when describing how I feel. So even if I do use it, there’s always doubt and an automatic desire to use a more neutral term. Actually not sure when the last time was that I felt genuinely happy. That’s been a longstanding problem actually. I’ve never been able to conjure up happy memories. Like you know when you’re given the cue to ‘think of a happy moment’ or something. In a way, it’s kind of like a form of perfectionism.

Avatar
essteeayellkayeearr

Exactly a year later, i'm still hesitant to use the word. I guess I've never been good with labeling things I feel. But you know, perhaps none of that really matters much. I don't get lonely anymore. And I'm grateful for that. Maybe, finally, the pieces are starting to fall into place.

#here's to closing chapters and opening new ones
Avatar

My parents are like to my brother, “you and your sister need to take care of each other when we’re no longer here.’ and then he’s like “I’ve tried for 20 years, it’s not going to happen.” 

Gross.  

#every act of care concern or protection has been met with increasing irritation and hostility as the years have passed#I have no real reason to feel this way#but I just do#I used to ponder how if he died i'd only be sad because my parents would be sad#that's a horrible thought#i have no soul
You are using an unsupported browser and things might not work as intended. Please make sure you're using the latest version of Chrome, Firefox, Safari, or Edge.