(i wrote this part the very last... i let my hand rest on the tab button and let it go at random... would ya look at this; we’re right back at the beginning... a sign perhaps.)

i’m so fucking sad it’s almost unreal. i feel like i’m gliding above the pavement. i know i exist, but it’s like this body is but a shell and my essence longs for a home that is beyond this realm.

i wish frank ocean was my homie. i bet we could kick it and make some dope crafts. until then, find me at the dope shop or in my room.

fuck. (an open letter to myself)

shit. i remember learning somewhere that swearing is meant to help alleviate some of the stress from trauma. but that is not the case here.

i can’t remember the last time i took the time to realize how shit i’m feeling... maybe the end of 2015? i’m pretty sure that’s the last time i wanted to kill myself as much as i do now. 

i know i have so much to live for. another 60+ years; friends, family... even my dog. i love life. i love how much of it we have all around us... the grass, the trees, little bugs we get pissed the fuck off at. dogs. and then i remember us. i’m 25 now - almost convinced that we are the disease. we create so much violence. we ravage more gruesomely than wolves in the wild... and they stop for nothing but Death. we are parasites, viruses. and i’m sick of it.

2020; i’m not even sure if this one will make the books. the world was quite literally on fire; a global pandemic (+ebola 2.0); worldwide civil unrest; still practicing hardcore racism, slavery, and genocide thousands of years into civilization... fuck. kindness is so difficult to find. so many things suck.

every day at around 9:45am something washes over me that somewhat seems to make life flash before my eyes; i feel myself simultaneously drowning and wanting to escape into the wilderness. i wish i was strong enough for that. my mental capacity is at 99.99999996/100. my emotional capacity has since reached its limit. i’m not sure how i’m holding it together, when all i want to do is rip open my entire flesh bag and end it all. and then the starbucks drive-through ping slams me back down to reality... only then to sink into the despair brought on by diabetic crack dens and the jerks that frequent them.

i’m sick of consumerism and the need for most to show others up. i’m sick of the selfish and the fakes, especially the ones who claim to love you.

i’m tired. my entire body hurts; inside, outside, head-to-toe. i want to be done, but i know there’s much more to come. i’m just tired; of myself, of society, of expectations. and i think i need to sleep it off.

anyway... peace out. not forever. for a while though.

-Bri

DAYTONA, OC

You, in the passenger seat, calm and steady… versus me; hands gripping the steering wheel of this stationary car, heart beating 100 miles per hour. Paralyzed, unable to dip into paradise. Smoke fills the cabin, flowing through my bloodstream. I turn to you and the darkness scatters, the divine light of street lamps illuminating your face…

Like a truck, nostalgia slammed into my psyche, transporting me to the summer of ’14. I’d only been to Florida once, taking a train to visit a magical kingdom. I was met with scorching sun and thunderstorms capable of shaking the heavens - two of your least favorite things. 

I reminisced to the careless days of racing through cigarettes and 2AM trips to coffee houses, only to realize the true harshness of my lonesomeness. The era of impulsive self-destruction would’ve been the death of me, had I not gathered the guts to slam on the brakes, uproot and sow the seed of a new life across an ocean. Had I not the courage, I would’ve never made it to the drunken night that put me in your arms.

With the strike of a light, I snapped to, crashing back down to Earth from the loftiest heights of Dreamland. You looked at me with half-shut eyes, wondering where I’d drifted off to with the flowery fumes. I could’ve sworn I heard angels singing with the waves crashing upon the California shore. It was then that I realized, I needed not the unceasing speed of a racetrack life, going round and round, spiraling down into insanity. My search, traversing coast to coast, for belonging had ended. No coast, borders, or state lines could limit my love for you.

I turned the keys, starting the engine of this new journey, accompanied by your presence. With one last exhale, I had found my home.