my grandpa just passed away and the wound of my fathers death last month is still fresh when i heard the news w the sound of my mother crying i was just. idk. Ok. Lets get it over with

i wrote an emotional piece with a pic attached bt it didnt post n now the whole essay is gone forever n im too upset to write it again

i said something to my sister that might have rubbed her the wrong way n she was like 'try imagining saying that to dad' basically telling me shes offended so i muttered 'this is what i mean when idk what might offend u when i talk' n she didnt hear me n wanted me to repeat bt i was already closed off like 'nevermind. im sorry' which pissed her off more n she said 'u nvr express urself. u only express w ur friends' n i said nothing bcs i was taken aback n it was quiet n she left it was my fault so i said sorry, bt bcs she was still mad she didnt want to accept it by throwing that expression comment w the obvious intention to hurt me lol my other sister suggested for me to apologize again n b the bigger person bt like?? i dont want to?? i shouldnt always cater to her preferences?? n tbh shes the one i cant express to bcs anything can set her off so?? Thats y i dont wanna talk?? writing this out makes me realize im also kind of an ass w that kind of attitude bt im also tired of always having to watch myself around her bcs only she gets to decide when to get angry

nik u still have control. the fact that u acknowledge ur thoughts r Bad means u have control over urself. Thoughts are thoughts n theyre nothing bcs you dont Do them. Ur still aware. Fuck those thoughts

end of sem break: i didnt finish my friend arts i promised would b done within the break. friend comic not done. Dad reminded when am i going to start driving. Mom told me to clean my closet n fold my clothes properly since the start of my break n i barely did it just now n by barely i mean its still messed up in there. I impulsively binge watched anime knowing i need to draw for ppl. Fam members specifically call out each others names to talk about something casual while im in the same room when i could have been included in the coversation as well. Expected since i dont ever do anything significant for the family right. Ninas graduation gift design. Idk these might sound small stuff bt everyday for me is like 'u have one job' bt i didnt do it. Despite everything i appear as if nothings wrong, while silently shelving these small things n someday it'll blow up in my face

i just woke up my head hurts a lot my body is sore im sorry i'll get back to u!!! im just wallowing in pain rn

i get that im not rly targeted much in the fam bcz of how docile i present myself to be bt to continuously watch others?? Around me getting hurt?? By others?? Indirectly because of me?? N them being the punching bag?? Fuck me im the worse

IM MAGNIFYING THINGS IGNORE ME bt That Feel when u make everyone around u feel worse

my dads actively ignoring me lmao i was in the kitchen w mom n he talked to her n said "they" like im not there then my sis came in n he said "u guys" ahaha happy fathers day y'all