Going through and deleting old posts (mostly just posts with photos). I’m hoping to make this more of a neutral space for myself.

I am once again back... just in time for the end of the first quarter of 2023. Life has changed, and yet is still a lot of the same... lets see if I stick around this time.

Its been too long ... I’m back.

Oj + Malibu ... Lets chill, deliciously ;)

Mood killer.

So I came home today to my partner with some exciting news and I come in and tell this news and the reaction is just kind of... Meh, oh... okay. I got this news and I was REALLY EXCITED and like happy for us but happy for them and I almost couldn’t wait to get home and share it and when I did the joy and the yay I was expecting was more of like ... an ... Oh okay, thats cool... It really just took all the fun out of the situation and now its like the most menial just fact like - the TV is black, your car is red, I did laundry ... *shrug*

Sometimes you just need to hush it and sit down [let other people live their lives as they see fit]

I am finding - or re-finding for the millionth time - that I sometimes just need to be quiet and let other people do whatever they are going to do... like, even though I might see a solution, or a way to help their problem or challenge - when you just KNOW that someone doesn’t want your advice or input sometimes you just need to shut down and be like... okay [and just let it go]. I struggle with this ... especially with people that I care about, I don’t like seeing people that I love struggle unnecessarily. l want to be able to help them and help them brainstorm solutions to their challenges ... BUT - yes there is a but, sometimes people just want to do it THEIR OWN WAY - regardless if that causes them to struggle more, spend more money, more time, etc ... if its their way of getting around and solving their challenge, then you just need to let them be. You are fully entitled to set up boundaries or expectations for yourself around those things but you can’t force others to be down for doing it your way or even just trying it your way... YOU have to do YOU and you have to allow others the time and space to do them.

... still makes me frustrated though.

Kwanzhuh?

So here I am ... 27 ... wanting to explore new ‘holidays’ and I say that ... when I say that, it makes me feel like I am ... makes me feel like I am an OUTSIDER (all caps) trying to pull into someone elses culture ... a culture, community and holiday that DOES NOT BELONG TO ME. 

Maybe let me go back ... I am “mixed” my mother is a white woman raised by a white woman and my father was a black man and so therefore I am mixed and just speaking in very broad, vague and maybe not sensitive terms ... white people often celebrate Christmas - not many white American people (that I know of?) celebrate Kwanzaa, in my mind - I think that people that celebrate Kwanzaa are ... black - either African-American or African ... (maybe other African dashes celebrate it too) [you see this is SO WELL thought out as well as so PC]    BUT    with all that said I have recently (5+ years) been feeling like what if I was more connected to the African American side of myself - I have always heard teeny tiny bits and pieces about Kwanzaa and have always wondered ... could I be the Kwanzaa doing type? Am I “black enough” to do Kwanzaa? Is there a Kwanzaa-point that I am missing? Do I even REALLY do Christmas? Would I benefit from Kwanzaa? 

As an adult I have had many friends and people I am in contact with say(not rly in relation to Kwanzaa) “You’re half black, so you’re black enough” but I don’t feel like it is mine to partake in, I feel as though if I were to start doing Kwanzaa that it would somehow be ‘tainting the punch’ for everyone else... I don’t know, silly feelings. 

I asked my boyfriend if he would be interested in looking into, researching and celebrating Kwanzaa this year and the short answer was NO. So, it took the wind out of my sails a bit on trying to celebrate it myself this year - because not only is it new for me, but also ... holidays are to be celebrated TOGETHER with PEOPLE. Ideally people that are close/est to us. So... it just didn’t seem like it would make much sense to pursue it. I tell myself maybe next year, but who knows, I mean really... I ... I don’t know. 

I need to get back to blogging

In general - typing (blogging) and writing (journaling) seem so ... relieving to me to just get thoughts and feelings out there... there is also something validating about having someone read your words and identify with your experiences or share some of theirs with you as well. I have for far too long, neglected my blog and just updating little bits of my life online (though I do struggle with how much to share and how much to just keep in my head). 

New kitten spam

Today was first day at new job!

There is so much going on... I feel like there is tons I could share but the words never come out right.