Hey Baby

㋡🥀

me exactly every 29 days: why am I so fucking sad

Me @me a few seconds later after using common sense:

One of the contractors at work drove past my shack on a forklift yesterday, stopped, backed up to my window and said, “hey, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

My knee jerk response when asked this, even if it’s by a companionable dude old enough to be my dad, is to go, “uh, nah-” and then ramble uncomfortably until someone stops me-

-which is what I started to do, only to be cut off by Contractor saying, in an embarrassed rush, “some of the guys were asking me because you and I talk sometimes, but I didn’t want them to hit on you at work, so I told them that you Worship the Devil and would Hex them if they tried. I’m sorry.”

Which leaves me wheezing helplessly, trying to get my shit together, because this is honestly one of the nicest, most hysterical things I’ve ever heard someone say to me.

Oblivious to this, Contractor then follows up with, “and they were like ‘forreal??’ so I was like, ‘yeah, she’s probably a sadist, too, you can tell by her jewelry. She’ll stab you or something.’”

And tbh I can’t even come up with anything witty to say in response, so all I manage to choke out is, “pleASE LET THEM CONTINUE TO THINK THAT, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And Contractor just smiles and is like, “Okay! I just wanted to let you know!” before driving off with his forklift.

Like?? Thank god for Contractor tbh. He’s an angel among men, and I hope the rest of his life is filled with prosperity and happiness and like, that he finds $20 on the ground every week for the rest of his life.

Update: Every time Contractor sees me, he does a little Devil Horns gesture at me and its adorable.

Update the Second: I saw Contractor while doing my tour and he told me that the guy that asked if I was single was around, and that if I saw him, I should just make complicated hand gestures at him while I walk by to scare him off.

This guy’s a fuckin gem.

tumblr flagged a post of a girl eating berries so fruit is for whores now reblog if youre a fruit eating whore

This user is pro tits and anti nazi

This is amazing

when millennials were first heading into high school and college there was a huge trend in news stories about how stressed out our kids are, how their backs are getting messed up from carrying so many books, how they’re sleeping less and doing more school work, and how we should do more to help our kids have the childhoods we had because our kids are falling apart from stress and being forced to be more productive than kids should be. but then once millennials started hitting the workforce all the news was about how millennials are lazy and narcissistic and entitled lmao you were real concerned about us until you found out a 23 year old is more qualified to do your job than you

Omg I forgot about this

reminds me of another post along the lines of “people complain about millenials being used to participation trophies, but who was buying those trophies and giving them to us?”

my favorite post about the us military “defending freedom” is the one like, “how tf my freedoms get over to iraq?”

this tweet is two years old

awkward…

when the weird hair kid walks in but you’re hoping against all odds you’ll be the main character

That’s fucking TJ from Recess

this is the physical embodiment of zero impulse control 

wow his character in Ghostbusters wasnt even scripted he’s just Like That

me when im hungry

Seems legit.

Must reblog/retweet every time I see this.

she knows

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs.

Who the fuck wrote this

when you’re at a family gathering having a good time but you feel the existential crisis about to hit ya 

i’m the person who ducked

I’m the mom who didn’t do nothing

I’m the man in the vest who drove the drone into his family

I’m the drone

and i’m miss thing in the green taking the fucking drone straight to the face

the second radish is 29 feet away

this is legitimately the funniest post on this site