Fuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck

I think he's dead.

I don't know what else it could be

Unless it was me.

Unless I drove him away.

Fuck, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I did it again, didn't I?

Please don't be dead

Please don't leave me alone

Fuck.

Fuck.

catch me crying over French Magical Boys at 5:48pm

i can't leave this all on your voicemail (you never check it anyway)

fuck the idea that growth is determined by how long i can shove my feelings in box & keep moving. it feels like i'm carrying around an anchor on my back &, i'm just waiting for my spine to fucking snap so i can stop feeling its weight.

it's laying into me, i can feel it pressing, pressing, maybe it'll press down enough that it'll rip through my lungs & i'll be forced to expel every word that i've swallowed when i thought about you.

no amount of ritualistic cleaning is enough to banish the ghost you left behind, & i'm so tired of being haunted. there was no seance, no oracle, i didn't summon you here. i'm trying so fucking hard to let go, & i can't & it hurts so damn much.

i don't even want what we had any more, i just want my best fucking friend back, somebody to shut me up, because i make lousy company for myself. & maybe that's asking too much, & maybe i was too much, but God.. i wish you could have just told me.

because this. all of this bullshit? fucking sucks.

i miss you.

i'm sorry if that's ugly, or selfish, or the last thing you need to hear, but i've been lying for months saying i didn't.

so i do. i miss the fuck out of you.

also, i got a dog now, so that's cool too, i guess.

call me sometime, maybe?

probably not.

bye

if you porn blogs gonna follow me to seem more legit, can you at least like my self pitying poetry too?

I fell for you like a shooting star Free falling and on fire Hands outstretched in the black Longing to reach your atmosphere Your pull on me ripping me straight from the sky. I fell for you like a shooting star Engulfed in the flames of my own excitement. I fell for you. Burning. Burning. Burning. I feel for you burning hotter and brighter the closer I got to you. I fell for you bubbling and boiling from the inside out. Shedding parts of me that were holding me back from you. I fell for you like shooting star Inexplicably drawn to you Swan diving from my precipice Eyes closed and ready for impact. Hurtling through lightless soundless void straight for you Immolating just to reach you. I fell for you at 390,000 feet and covered myself in gasoline My skin charred and peeled Smoke and soot settled in my lungs I prepared myself for impact I imagined oxygen exploding from lungs And my spine severing I looked at my hands and imagined the broken. I ached visualizing all of my bones shattering to pieces at once. I imagined the sound of our impact so deafening I could hear nothing else. I fell for you ready to explode into a million pieces the first time we would touch. I fell for you burning the while way down And burnt out. I fell for you like a shooting star And it never hurt once.

so like. i'm alive, sorta??

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