2018 mood

someone: “why do you support a team that plays like shit?”

me:

Kicked out of the Garden of Eden

Eve:

I hate this. I fucking hate this. This is essentially a fucking hieroglyphic. I see that picture and I immediately hear a combination of sounds in my head with a very specific and comprehendable meaning. Like, I hear it. It’s not even a fucking video, its a still fucking picture but I hear it and know exactly what the OP was trying to convey because this picture has a word inherently attached to it

me trying to get out of a stressful social situation

Juliet gazed across her balcony and said, “It’s over Romeo, I have the high ground”

who’s jeff?

wouldn’t you like to know

tonight’s mood

“I’m just gonna put my paws in the water.”

it is very important to know before you click play that NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO THIS CAT. THIS CAT IS OKAY.

the cat would be ok even if he fell in. cats are pretty good swimmers. most of them don’t enjoy it, but they can do it. i bet this guy does it for fun.

gotta stick toes in right quick

someone: thor and loki aren’t blood-related, they were just raised together, so tec-

me: 

Today everyone woke up with price tags floating over their heads, indicating the value of their life. Your tag is $50Tn, the biggest by far, and you have no idea why.

When people asked why I’m worth so much, I shrugged. I mean, what am I supposed to say? It’s a question as random as: “why are your eyes blue?” or “how’d you get to be so tall?”. There’s no right way to answer it without bullshitting.

Sure, I could say it’s genetics, but I highly doubt that. My father’s a farmer and is married to a stay-at-home mom. They’re nice people, of course, but nice doesn’t seem to correlate to value. They both barely scratch a hundred thousand dollars combined.

I could say it was a mistake. After all, there wasn’t always an explanation. Most people who did stand out were famous in some facet but every once in a while, a baby was born with an exceptional price. I feel bad for them. They have to live a life of everyone bearing down on them to reach their full potential. I’m just lucky that I’m already in my twenties and a somewhat established carpenter. It pays the bill and that’s all I need.

That was, until I gained worldwide recognition.

Ever since I’ve been valued at fifty trillion – yes, you read it right – people have been treating me a lot differently. Old friends, past girlfriends, and annoying family members have popped out of the woodwork like crazy to capitalize on my newfound fame. Suddenly, I was desirable because of the unknown. And as far as they knew, it was better to make friends than enemies.

I became the focus of many scientists. They figured if I didn’t have political, monetary, or social power, it must have been something inside me that was unique. A series of tests were run on my body, analyzing every single cell for what makes me tick. The results were a little… unsatisfactory.

Superior athletic ability? Nope.

Cancer-resistant genes? Unfortunately, no.

Unexplainable superpowers? Only in my dreams.

After wearing me to the bone with tests and sucking me dry of blood, they gave up their attempts. As far as they could tell, I was an enigma no one knew how to solve. And at the rate they were going, I was going to be long dead before they made any headway.

Then the paparazzi came into play. Do you know what it’s like being stalked by a gaggle of sleazebags with cameras who have no sense of personal space? I have one word for it – shitty.

Well, one day, I was jogging at the nearby park. In hindsight, it was stupid, but I thought it was safe enough. I never expected them to swarm me like a cloud of bees. But by the time they surrounded me, it was too late to get away.

So I did what any reasonable person would, I sprinted like hell. In fact, I ran so fast that I didn’t even notice I was on a direct course for the pond in front of me. By the time I realized, I already had one foot on the surface of the water.

And then another.

Before I knew it, I was running on water. It wasn’t a mind-trick, at least not as far as I could tell. I was actually doing it of my own accord.

I turned back to the paparazzi. They were momentarily stunned but started to snap photos again. After all, they had to get the perfect shot. It would be the height of anyone’s career once it reached the tabloids.

Everyone wants to see the first photo proof of the Second Coming.

#big mood | Super Bowl 52 Picks

who is gonna tell this person

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

google just made me so emo

oh my god I can’t stop crying

From a strictly marketing standpoint. This is the best ad of all time. Like…well fucking done Google.

I’m not crying you’re crying

so ready for 2018. let’s do this.

Would suck 2 live in the Victorian era and then your husband doesn’t even die. U never even get a chance to wear that sweet, sweet Victorian Mourning Garb. What’s even the fucking point?

“But why did you kill him, Maud?”

The answer to the mystery which had plagued me for months was whispered from beneath her mourning veil.

“For the aesthetic.”