Vacation?

So I am in New Jersey for the week. It has been full of ups and downs already.

I am feeling very depressed about where I am in life, again feeling like I don’t have a place in this world. Therefore, dealing with food has been difficult these past days I’ve been in Jersey. Today, however, has been good so far. I’ve texted my sponsor, helped my sister at her surfing camp, and eaten. I went to an NA meeting yesterday and saw someone I knew, which was awkward af.

I have stayed sober through staying up here. I have missed the ocean and the beach so being here in that aspect has been good for my sobriety. I do kind of miss Tennessee though.

I’m going to write more tonight or tomorrow.

A pro ana blog liked my previous post...please do not...christ.

I’ve been restricting all week, but today I’ve been eating all day. I’m not even over my exchanges, but it just feels like so much. I am so confused. Restriction has been keeping me calm, but I’ve really been trying today...but now I feel like I’ve overeaten. I feel like a lot of this is due to working all day and late. I always feel out of control with food while working at Starbucks. I need to get out of there.

I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now. I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

My friend showed me this song, having posted it on our EDA facebook group. It feels so perfect for today, as I was feeling so lonely in the morning, but ended my day with friends. Even when I feel so alone, I’m not. None of us are truly alone.

I didn’t have any nightmares last night...finally...after two weeks. I am still feeling like I keep seeing the two men everywhere though, so...deep breaths.

I had a fairly good day today. I worked 8:30 to 3 at Starbucks, then went over to a friend’s house, where we just hung out and laughed. Next, we went to an NA meeting where I got to see my sponsor tell her story, which was very inspiring and made me realize some things about myself. I’ll write more on that tomorrow.

@tpyriformis1988 I am seriously considering EMDR for my trauma(s). I don’t know if right, right now is the right time, but definitely in the near future. I just have to figure out how to pay for it...so...

Also, most importantly, I did not restrict or purge today! And I might have an itty bitty crush on a fellow NA-goer (insert eyes wide open emoji).

tw: Sexual Assault

So tonight I went to and EDA step work group and, then, to an NA meeting. I was with my friend, one of his friends, and his girlfriend.

My friend and his girlfriend know I’ve been sexually assaulted, yet my friend preceded to ask me when I lost my virginity. I simply said, “I’m not answering that.”

I was a virgin when my sexual assault happened and I am still a virgin to this day, as I am petrified of male contact every since my sexual assault. The only sexual contact I had after my sexual assault was when I was drunk/high. I couldn’t even be angry with my friend, as I know he didn’t ask the question to be rude or anything. However, it made me upset because it brought up a lot of shame and embarrassment. I embarrassed I’m still a virgin and I am shameful about what happened to me.

I’m just upset because he knows I’ve been having nightmares about my sexual assault, but still thought it was appropriate to ask such a personal question.

Also, my therapist wants me to do EMDR. My sponsor said she has done it and that it was helpful, but I’m skeptical. Mostly, though, I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I do trauma work it will leave me with no excuse to engage in my disordered behaviors.

edit: Also, I pick up my 60 days tomorrow! Ending on a good note.

tw: Sexual Assault

I am so afraid of having nightmares tonight. I can’t fall asleep.

My friend said she would pray for me, which makes me feel better, but I’m still scared. Today at work, on my break, I felt like I was going to have a breakdown. I was overwhelmed with memories of my sexual assault and just wanted to cry. I feel like I see the two men everywhere I go.

I’ve discussed with my therapist that I am not ready for trauma work, but now I feel like I am being forced into it, in a ways.

I meet with my sponsor tomorrow, which is good. I just don’t know what to say to her. I’ve been restricting and I want to purge everything I eat. I just can’t stand anything inside of me. I did good today, though- ate most of my exchanges.

I wish I had someone to hold me tonight. I feel lonely and sad. I feel scared and hopeless.

I get my 60 days clean from alcohol & pills on Friday, but I feel like a hypocrite because I’ve been engaging in eating disorder behaviors.

tw: Sexual Assault

I have been having nightmares about the two men who sexually assaulted me in NYC. I’ve been having flashbacks and moments of dissociation. I got out of inpatient on May 26th and was doing really well before this started back up. I’m at a loss for what to do. I had to leave work early tonight and am skipping a bbq, lying that I am nauseated, because I just can’t deal with what my mind is bringing to me.

I’ve been restricting this week and I can’t seem to stop. I did well today, eating most of my exchanges, but still falling short. I also purged last week, which, unfortunately, made me feel better. I’m an addict too (alcohol & pills), so I started step 1, which has been difficult to face, since I’ve been engaging in one of my addictions- my eating disorder.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m feeling very hopeless tonight.

Last night, my ear was in so much pain from purging. I’ve experienced this before, but for some reason this time the pain has not gone away?

On to another topic- I am so fearful of the medical debt I will likely go into by going into treatment. I have been talking about it and obsessing over it for the past two or three weeks at least. I simply don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel so afraid and anxious right now...about everything...because of everyone...for no apparent reason. I just feel like my life is not only falling apart, but also that there is no hope of it coming together.