@paperpast30 / paperpast30.tumblr.com
I feel sad today. It is overwhelming. I do not have strength to draw. And even the little things I enjoy, are too dim to even take light in my darkness.
I think I would just curl up in the darkness and weep until this will pass. I know it will. I just need to let it wash it over me, like an ocean wave, ready to embrace me with its coldness.
Who says she is open-minded because she has gay friends, LOVES GAY PEOPLE. Finds them fun and cool. She accepts them and is open to all forms of love, because LOVE IS LOVE.
But the moment her offspring comes out as one, she condemns them all to hell and spits bible verses.
Really now?
I hold my tongue because it’s the holidays, but to be perfectly honest, she is no better. And no amount of church-going, donations giving, christ-declaring act can ‘cure’ her child.
Hypocrite.
My time here on earth is finite. And every minute means I am closer to my death.
I do not fear it. Nor I am bothered by it.
But I am aware that we will all end there. So I spend it in kindness, love, compassion, and empathy.
I often wonder...the richest, the most powerful, the influential, the ones who hold so much privilege, do they even think such things?
Or do they shove it at the very back of their minds and pretend they are immortal? That they are invincible?
We all start our lives the same: naked, confused, and innocent.
And we end our lives the same: naked, confused, but not-so-innocent.
The decision was made just.
But it doesn’t mean it hurt any less.
Woman: “Are you my way?”
Man: “I could be if you let me.”
Woman: “How can we do this?”
Man: “Then be with me. Trust me. Love me.”
So my friend is staying with us, she said she needed to be somewhere else because her home is too much to bear with all the memories she had with him.
She was heartbroken, but also full of hope.
The man she had an intense affair with, had reached out to her, amidst the chaos of his work, he reached out to her crying, that he wanted to abandon everything, to come back and be with her. He, underneath the foreign skies, the endless seas he sailed, the dangerous lands he walked on, felt that he has finally found his HOME.
SHE is his HOME.
She is who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
The thought made her indescribably happy.
Selfishly, she wants him to be with her. She wants to spend the rest of her days with him. She knew, HE is The One.
But she is also conflicted. She also harbors a sense of sadness, and dread.
She did not want him to keep him from his ambitions. Nor wanted to change the trajectory of his life. He has so much potential to change the world, and so much of that potential cannot go to waste.
She knew if he did come to her, down the line, he would resent her. She knew his work is his love, his passion, and his first priority. Before he met her, he had all the world for him to explore. Why would she take that away from him?
Would she want him to come and be with her? Or to tell him not to come and live out his ambition?
To simply, let her go. And she would let him go. And just live out the rest of their days in memories shared in those 4 days.
It is almost asking if she would choose her heart both times over.
Oh, what to tell her?
My heart breaks for her. For them.
What to tell a heart that seems to already know the answer?
We sat in silence, her tears had dried long ago. She has now spent the remainder of the day by our couch, gazing outside the window, watching the sunset. We all knew, there is not much time. She has to make a decision. And hopefully, the right one.
It was easy to say goodbye, but hard to let go.
A heart attack was the cause of her death.
It happened after a day of excursion with her family at the mountains.
Preparations are being made as I type this.
While I am aware the inevitability of the end of human life, I still cannot help but feel the slight tug of pain in my heart, knowing the person will not be around anymore.
My aunt was gone too soon.
She left behind a husband, and two children who are still young. It pains me to think what will become of them. I am sure they will survive, but I know at this moment, the loss is too great to process or contain. The loss of the mother is almost like losing a heart in a unit called family. I only hope and pray they will be able to get through this.
I realize at this age, I am beginning to see the vulnerability of time, life, death, and regret. I now look into my husband, my mother, my father, and my brothers differently. A mixture of fear and sadness at the thought of losing them without warning.
Most especially my husband. If I were to lose him, I don’t think I could take it. I don’t know if I would survive.
My aunt has departed for the heavens. May her soul rest in peace.
Changes happen.
It doesn’t matter how you wanted to stay in one place. Change is inevitable.
You will never have that opportunity to keep still. You have to keep going. There is no such thing as being static. We have to keep moving, even in the noise, in silence, in crowds, and even in solitude, there is that need to move and to change.
Because the world keeps turning, even if you don’t.
However.....
On the other side, there are people who may not want to move, who do not want to change, who may not want to leave the place they made their home. Who decided, willingly...to let the vines and weeds from their soul grow and root them in place.
They do not want to seek how much time had passed, whether they are being left behind. They instead marvel at the sky that changes colors. Not minding if it were night, or day.
They do not mind if they become tiny fragments of themselves, to become lost in the fog and be forgotten. The fragments that will sway and tumble in the wind, rain, and sun, until they slowly turn to dust.
To them, change equates to heartbreak.
While it is a must to change, to evolve, and to move forward....deep down, we still yearn that we don’t have to. At least for a moment. And enjoy a small bubble of happiness that we hold on to for now.
But I will be here to lurk only.
I quit my job which I loved, but it stopped being fun when it hit the 6th month. I couldn’t transition to the next phase they wanted me to do, so I quit. Simple.
I have a solo exhibit this weekend and I am happy to say I am back to my old self. Still weary from my bad depressive state a couple of months ago, but compared to then, I am better now.
Still into TMNT, but now BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) has wormed its way into my heart. They were both the reason/s why I snapped out from my depressive state...but no, won’t be making fanart of those two...for now. Who knows. Ask me again in 3 months.
Miss you all and thanks for reading.
I am on the 3rd Month into this job and my regularisation is in a couple of weeks. I am excited but also scared.
Between now and on the 21st, I have to prove myself even more than ever. Although my boss has been happy with my performance I am still, anything can happen when you are so close to the finish line.
So, I will just continue to work like I always do, and hope for the best.
Other concerns, if still interested...please, keep reading.
Hello. I am back.
It had been a hard couple of months. But grateful to see beauty in between.
Went to Japan for a few days. Saw beautiful things. Met awesome people. Ate good food. Walked a lot. Experienced the cool spring breeze and saw the cherry blossoms in bloom for the first time and it was wonderful. It was the rest and relaxation I needed.
This was taken at Nara Park. I was walking between the cherry blossom blooms and decided to take a selfie. Even if I am not into selfies at all. But this is special. So this time was an exception.
I hope all are alright in tumblr land. I will try to post more. I do miss TMNT.
