Artwork by Sophie Derrick

I never lied when I told you I don’t have a soul. You cry, beg, plead, but you don’t understand - how can I have a soul when I tell you I love you but feel nothing when I look into your eyes?

- isa & // napowrimo #23

words that break my heart

Birthday My phone falls apart as my left hand battles with my right -- it knows I’ll greet you and burst into tears once you answer, “Hello?” Christmas Shop windows of glitter and red and white and trees, nothing to distract me from thinking about the present I can never give you

Off-Key Our voices faltered when we reached high notes and now I can’t hear half of my music library without missing us (Dis)comfort Disappointment covering me like a blanket every morning, my hands touching the cold sheets where your warm body used to dream Fluorescent New copies slowly replace my old books, gone are the passages you highlighted and your obnoxious yellow ink (Bitter)sweet Strawberry shakes but nobody to share them with, a mix between cough syrup and sorrow Crack My room bathes in light at night, the door kept open so your face doesn’t greet me in the dark Someday I will get over you, not now, but maybe one day

- isa & // napowrimo #22

artwork by Kent Rogowsky

company

when I’m old and grey           and counting my days,          the epitome of beautiful frailty, all I’ll need is you,          a cup of tea or two,          and words to keep me company

- isa & // napowrimo #21

mixtape

You never knew this but I wanted to make a mixtape, A disc filled with sounds that remind me of you. An unpaused ambience to drown the silence, something to keep me company now that you’re gone. The symphony in my head when we first kissed, The one I couldn’t stop humming for days, weeks, months. The song that played on the radio the night you drove me home, Our first date leaving me singing on my doorstep. The ballad I listened to after our first serious fight, Its opening lines always bringing me to tears. The tune we slow-danced to before you said goodbye, Its final notes a reminder that it was time for us to part.

I still haven’t made that mixtape.

There are some sounds I know are impossible to capture. The beat of my heart when we first held hands, A hummingbird threatening to burst through my chest. The sighs I loved hearing after we locked lips, Content and peaceful looks expected to follow. The silence between us louder than any scream, Your words stinging my skin before your hand ever did. The deep breaths that escaped me as I tried not to sob, My body shivering when you first called from a thousand miles away. The fireworks when you left leaving no colours in the sky, Just the boom rattling my ears, leaving me traumatised.

- isa & // napowrimo #20

doctor’s report

girl of unknown descent, 18, soul missing, starved face, bloody hands

the above described is a person you once knew, your partner in crime, your only light source. she is undergoing maintenance seven times a week at our ICU, starting from january of this year.

she was first brought to our facility the previous year due to minor symptoms but is currently suffering from a disappearance of her biological rhythm, one that was once synced with that of her long-term partner, you.

she has been evaluated by the doctors of our cardiology department, scrutinised, poked and prodded. she has been counselled on several long term management options due to the effects on her physiology caused by the sudden shock of separation.

effects of the trauma include:

- lack of sleep - lack of appetite - increase of heart rate - increase of body temperature - vivid nightmares - frequent blood loss she has been advised a heart transplant, agreed to be the best decision for her severe case. you are advised to keep away from her, lest you desire to break her heart once more.

- isa & // napowrimo #19

story time: the impossibility of letting go

Artwork by Daniele Buetti

There once was a boy who met a girl. He fell in love slowly, silently, softly, and was always racing to catch her, like the moon does with the sun in the sky. Always just in sight, always out of reach. But one day, she let him hold her hand and together they navigated the wind-blown seas and the skies lit up with stars for them. There were times when they felt like they were drifting away from each other, like the currents would separate them or the storms would tear them apart. But they held on, never wanting to let go, or so it seemed. There came a time in which both of them grew tired, their hands barely able to hold on any longer, grips loosening, fingers slipping. They used to believe that their hands fit perfectly together, one made for the other, but when they looked at them again closely, they saw they were wrong. They tried their best to stay as they were until they realised that the tips of their fingers were touching and there was no way they could go back to that special moment when they first held hands. They knew they would always have a special connection, one that not everyone gets to have with another person, but love isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship work. So they finally let go, the pain searing through their hands, snaking its way through their bodies and into their chests, minds, souls. But they didn’t let themselves stumble – they silently thanked the other for the strength and knowledge the relationship gave them. They grew in ways they never would have imagined and were grateful they had something special between them, even if it didn’t last forever. In the end, the girl knew that even though they let go, they would always carry a small part of the other in their hearts. And the boy? He never, not even for a second, regretted the moment when he first held her hand.

- isa &

whole

Artwork by Conrad Roset

I won’t lie, my heart has always been whole // Don’t ask for a story about heartbreak I don’t say I can give you the world // I have yet to see all its horror and beauty I’ve never experienced loss // Everyone dear to me is safe and sound I can’t say what unrequited love is like // I was never in love until we met

But I can promise you I will

Kiss you like I’ve never been broken, long for you and no one else Compare you to the person you once were, others of the past fail to exist Grow with you and explore what life brings, you the sole person in my life Love you with my whole heart, you and only you

- isa & // napowrimo #18

in my arms

Artwork by Allegra Lockstadt

People say the world is too big but I disagree, for I have held the whole world in my arms and have felt his body expand with every breath, I have heard his sighs as he sleeps and I have seen his shoulders tremble as he dreams, and I couldn’t help but marvel at how delicate and breakable the world truly is.

- isa & // napowrimo #17

- isa & // the & series #3

definition

My first love has no name. I can see him in fragments, a daydream slipping in and out of my mind until all I remember is the way he would smile just for me. My first love has no face. I can picture his eyes, pools of hazel I want to dive in until all I remember is the way he would gaze into my soul. 

My first love has no voice. I can hear a few words, some lines of love and longing, until all I remember is the way he would say my name.

I cannot tell who my first love is. Is your first love the boy you first held hands with, his palms and fingers shaking as fast as your heart beating? Or the boy who gave you your first kiss, the kiss that made you love surprises? Or the boy who held onto you as you broke down, your father gone, your world falling apart? 

Is your first love the boy you first woke up next to, morning hair and sleepy eyes, but still beautiful in every way? Or the boy who swore he’d always be there for you, who slipped poetry inside your books and into your heart? Or the boy who left to sail the world and chase his dreams, your world crumbling away, your first heartbreak?  

I cannot tell what a first love is — too many thoughts and images in my mind — so let me know your definition, and maybe a name will escape from my lips.

- isa & // napowrimo #16

string

Artwork by Prangchat Sathianthammawit

There’s that time when you don’t know about his existence.

Maybe you dream of someone like him,

wanting nothing more than to meet the man of your dreams one day.

And when you find that he’s real, when you meet that soulmate,

it’s like the first day of your life.

Before you met him, nothing mattered, 

but then you find this person you have a special bond with, 

like you’ve been tied to that person with a string 

and you don't ever want to drift away.

But there comes a time when that string is pulled

and you have this fear that it might break,

pull, pull, pull, till snap. 

You’re no longer tethered to him. 

Instead of flying up to the sky, you float around, 

forever lost and never to be found. 

You try your best to make him stay, 

hoping he’ll change his mind. 

But the string has already been broken,

and it’s the only string you had.

And you know that you’ll never be tied to another person again.

- isa & // napowrimo #15

without words

Whisper my name first thing in the morning, wake me up slowly, silently, softly, the way I fell in love with you.

Sing my name whenever we meet, smile just for me until I find myself in your arms, your entire being glowing.

Say my name as we embrace, kiss me with all you’ve got, make me want nothing but to stay.

Repeat my name when we touch, find out we’re perfectly entwined, explore each other’s naked souls.

Mumble my name while you sleep, show me you carry me in your heart, even in your dreams.

- isa & // napowrimo #14