I found my word for 2017!! e n t h u s i a s t

the fear of rejection

i pride myself on being a strong person. therefore, to finally come to terms with the fact that it is this was a long process.  but now it all makes sense. 

let me just back up.

lately i’ve been dealing with a lot of hard feelings to sort through because of circumstances here at our current base.  about a year ago i got tired of hearing allllll the moms complaining that there’s nothing to do here.  so! proactively i created a mom page.  lots of moms joined it! they were super excited there was “finally something for them.” the truth is, i knew there had been for years, but the women here were/are full of excuses.  on the page we talked about what people wanted to do, what they wanted to see, what they wanted to add.  after gathering that info, i put out the most popular activities, started walking groups, coffee meet ups, playdates -- all the things requested. the first coffee morning (the most popular request) a few people showed up. they seemed enthusasistic about coming events.  then we had a play date.  about seven moms showed it, and they happened to mostly be people i already knew - which was fine with me since it was at my house! it was fun. i was excited.  people asked for more walking group times. so i set that up. no one came.  not a single soul.  i thought it was because it was cloudy.  the next day was sunny! no one came.  the next day, a girl came who i already knew and i complained on the whole walk about how people complain and beg and then just don't participate.  

it’s been about a year.  no one will participate! the only people who do things are people that i already know.  yet! i still see moms complaining that they have no friends or no one wants to meet them... 

i just want to punch them. or punch myself. or delete the page. or delete all the “inactive” people off the page - namely those who refuse to participate but look at the page to see what’s going on and then go if it’s an officer’s wife hosting, or one of THEIR friends decides to go.  

i felt like people hated me. 

i felt like everyone’s too good for me.

i felt like i couldn’t make anyone happy. i knew i couldn’t make everyone happy, but i felt like i couldn’t even make ONE person happy. 

 but last night as i lay awake (again - for the 11th night in a row), i realized that it doesn’t matter. i personally don’t care if the people here are happy. i personally don’t care if another woman gets fit. i personally don’t care if gossipy young mom X gets together with rude gossipy mom Y and does things that we do on the page - just at her own time.  i personally don’t care if mom A looks at the page just to talk about it with mom B.  it doesn’t matter! it doesn’t affect me or my ZZs.  

no, i still don't have super good friends here.  i thought i was building relationships with a couple girls on base, but it turns out that they can’t be there for me when i’m on rocky ground, so i need to just take this time to step back, and be there for myself, my husband, and my two babies.  i need to take this time to strengthen my weakening self, and it is impossible to do that when trying to help make sure other people are happy... people who don’t matter to my family in the long run. and i do have a support system, but i was trying to force new people into that system.  

i am thankful for people who tell me to stop. to step back. 

i am thankful for moms who know the patterns of the downfall that i’m starting to get into. 

i am thankful for strong moms who love me enough to say i’m being ridiculous.

i am thankful for the specific mom here who wants me to take time to just sit and chat with her late at night about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g so that i can sort it out aloud.

i am thankful for my Savior who loves me and sends other people to write books that talk about this.

i picked up one titled appropriately:

uninvited. living loved when you feel less than, left out, and lonely (by lysa terkeurst)

i think this is a good book for military wives. or people who live away from their support system.

“someone doesn’t invite me to her event, and my thoughts recount all the faults and frailties i’ve voiced about myself recently.  suddenly, i assign my thoughts to that person. i hear her saying these same hurtful things.  i feel labeled and judged and, yes, rejected. . . 

or someone flat-out rejects me, my idea, my invitation, my kids, my project, my whatever, and it messes with me more than it should.

relationships feel increasingly unsafe.  opportunities feel increasingly risky. and life feels increasingly uncooperative.  i carry on, because that’s what we girls do. but this nagging sense of rejection real or simply perceived, is doing more of a number on me than i care to admit.  rejection steals the best of who i am be reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.

rejection isn’t just an emotion we feel.  it’s a message that’s sent to the core of who we are, causing us to believe lies about ourselves, others, and God.  we connect an event from today to something harsh someone once said.  that person’s line becomes a label.  the label becomes a lie.  and the lie becomes a liability in how we think about ourselves and interact in every future relationship.”

today in a new day, i’m done reflecting, i’m done being hurt, i’m done believing the lie. changes will be made. no, i won’t be going out of my way to invite others to do things with me, but i will be doing things with my own children.  i will be their world. they are mine, after all! i don't need new friends, because i already have my people.  i will build on the relationships already placed in my path - the ones that didn’t need to be forced.  i will go on walks when i want, not wait around for people to go with me! i’ll go to the orchards with my babies and do things on our own time table! 

i can no longer believe the lies. i may not be good enough to be their friends, but i’m good enough to be my husband’s friend, my kids’ friend, my friends’ friend! and my God’s daughter. 

i am enough. 

When you're looking around for joy - pursing it - you'll most likely find it! Where have you found joy today?

[separate]

so i’ve been going through lots of emotions these past few months. i mean, i just had my second baby so all the hormones were way out of whack.  i didn’t want that to affect my day to day life, because one of my biggest pet peeves is women who use their cycles, hormones, emotions, etc. as an excuse for bad behavior.  i wouldn’t say i was being “bad,” but it was getting a bit ridiculous in my house.  it all culminated when my hubby left for a job trip.  it was already stressful because a lot was riding on the outcome of the trip.  plus, i was internally freaking out about caring for two babies all by my lonesome.  

but anyways, we survived and actually the week was awesome! the kids were great. there were tears shed, but also lots of laughs.  we sweated a lot in the crazy heat index this swampy weather offers - but that meant we got outside a lot! 

when i realized i was so anxious about everything, i talked to a good friend about it and was able to talk through some of my struggles and some of the reasons why i think the things i do.  

i wanted to enjoy my life. i didn’t want to wait for orders to move on and start over.  i couldn’t count on making new friends elsewhere, because um. what if i didn’t.  i needed to relish the moments that these two precious babies were having. i needed to stop comparing, judging, and agonizing over the lives i watched on Facebook.  i knew they were snapshots, not reels.  real life was raw.  real life involved tears.  real life also involved coping with the day to day the Lord was giving us.  i needed to recognize my weaknesses, but also be strong for my littles.  i chose to have them.  i chose to have my house the way i have it.  and just because someone on Facebook seemed to have a cleaner home, a cuter nursery, a lot more cute baby outfits, and time & money to go lots of places with their kids - well just because they do that on Facebook, doesn’t mean their lives are richer. it simply means they know how to clean the background for pictures.  

making a house a home

my first step to reclaiming my chaos was to gather my thoughts and decide what i wanted.  the biggest change that needed to happen was to create a safe, happy place for my children.  i needed to show them how to love, by loving their daddy opening.  i needed to show them to enjoy every day little moments. i needed to show them that i loved them.  most of all tho - i needed them to know that Jesus loves them and me and their daddy.  

my house is often messy - but it’s our home.  instead of trying to be the perfect wife & mom & housekeeper, i decided to enjoy every waking moment of the kids life.  today i needed to wash dishes that i left last night because i fell asleep on the couch at 8:50pm... but instead, my daughter wanted to read her new Inside Out book 3 times in a row and then my son wanted to eat.  and then i knew my hubby was coming home for lunch, so i cooked lunch.  now they’re napping so i should be washing dishes instead of typing this :p.  

so my goal this week isn’t to keep a clean house.  i will aim to keep the sinks clean and the bottles scrubbed and the diaper pail not overflowing.  but ultimately i want to enjoy life this week.  i want to enjoy my hubby.  i want to enjoy my kids.  and i want to spend some time with Jesus before the kids rise and scream [i mean rise & shine of course].  

now to go wash some dishes and fold a few diapers before those tiny bottoms wake up!

life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

➳ e || 7.18.16

Happy Monday! Don't live life just to get through the days. Enjoy little things. Laugh at yourself. Let things slide. Forgive easily. Take joy in each moment. Love your kids. Look up and count your blessings. Today, just today, choose joy. 💙 #findingjoyin2o16 #teamDavis (at Magnolia, Delaware)

radio silence

so sorry for the silence here... life has been happening - the dirty, the raw, the emotional, the ugly. i actually haven’t been doing all that well. however, tonight i’m feeling me again, and I’m working on an important, but hard post to write.  stay tuned - it’ll take some courage to get it out of drafts and onto here...

points include - how to deal with unhelpful dads, how do live well despite the media, what to do when your world crashes, but the kids still need you, when you want to watch New Girl but it just talks about sex, when Bible Study doesn’t help, and more! 

Become a better form of YOU. #postpartumbody #postpartum #postpartumfitness #fitness #momswhoworkout #momswithmuscle #momswhorun #momswithabs #30daychallenge #medicinebelles #journeytofitness #fitnessjourney #bikinibound #mombod #transformation