I would like to wish everyone an uneventful new year

May we live in very uninteresting times

may you experience very precedented events

out of boredom i decided to scan a stuffed shark. here are the results.

your work is appreciated

op i spent entirely too long on this and im sorry

It’s 1:30 am and I’m cackling like a deranged witch

As a ghost, you can never again feel the softness of a kittens fur, or dive your hands into a cool stream. Everything feels as plain and unmoving as cool stone. That is, until your hand brushes against that of a particular human, and you feel their warmth.

So this movie destroyed me. What else should I watch? I’m in a romance mood.

THIS WAS WRONGLY LABELED ROMANTIC COMEDY.

Michael Sheen as Lucian in Underworld (2003) / David Tennant as Peter Vincent in Fright Night (2011)

THAT was MICHAEL SHEEN??? THAT GUY???

“THIS WAS THE HOT WEREWOLF?” was my entire through process while watching Good Omens. 

Lion King (1994) explaining the importance of stylized 2D animation: Lion King (2019) and Cats (2019):

Kimba The White Lion (1965) explaining the importance of an original idea:

Lion King (1994) Lion King (2019) Cats (2019)

Shakespeare (1564) explaining the importance of an original idea:

Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):

Saxo Grammaticus (c. 1160 – c. 1220) explaining the importance of understanding that all creative work is inherently derivative once you study the oral tradition of storytelling and history and that’s okay because generations have always reformatted tropes and themes to make them relatable to their current audiences 

Shakespeare (1564), Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):

I love when I’m about to clock out and a coworker says “you’re leaving me?” like first of all it’s so touching to know that my presence here offers you some semblance of joy and relief from the misery and anxiety-inducing stress that our work environment causes. Second of all yes bitch I’m OUT I’m gonna go play some viddy games suck it

I was high off my ass last night and had this dream where I was in this dense ass forest and sitting there was a tall woman. She was so tall I couldn’t see her face but she was wearing gold and I was like “uh...hi?” And she said “I made you, do you know that?” And I nodded and she was like “I hear your thoughts. Why do you hate my creation? Why do you try to destroy yourself? I made you perfect as you are. Please don’t break my heart”. Then she started crying and it flooded and I woke up with fucking heart palpitations like what does it Mean™️????

polar opposite of this post

Signal boosting my favorite Sherlock Holmes story

... because I’m pretty sure most people skip this one. Because it IS called “The Yellow Face.” And it was written by a British dude in 1893. So there are a couple of… very reasonable assumptions you could make about the content. But I’m telling you that humanity can be wholesome and pure, so hang around, it’s story time.

We open with Holmes and Watson, who are just sort of wandering around London in silence, “as befits two men who know each other intimately.” (awww). And when they get back to 221B, they’ve got a new client waiting. 

Mr. Grant Munro is one of those mid-thirties guys who looks a lot younger. It turns out he’s married an American widow from Georgia and she’s started acting really REALLY weird. 

Like, she’s sneaking out in the middle of the night without saying where she’s going. Withdrawing a lot of money from the joint bank account, not saying why. Pretending *not* to know a strange Scottish woman who’s new in town. One day this guy gives into temptation and follows her. She goes to a random cottage that she’s secretly renting, in a town called Norbury. He has no idea what is going on, but he comes back to visit this cottage a few times after that, and every he walks past it, he sees a strange expressionless yellow-white face at the window. It ducks out of sight whenever he looks too long. 

Anyway, Holmes glances over at Watson, says thank you and that he’ll look into it. When the client leaves, he shakes his head, “There’s blackmail in it, or I am much mistaken.” 

Holmes’ theory is that the American widow’s first husband is still alive, and he’s blackmailing her. Or (second option) the first husband like, went insane or something, and the mysterious Scottish woman has worked out the situation, and she’s the one doing the blackmailing.

Homes & Watson and Grant Munro “solve” the case by basically just sneaking into the cottage when they’re not expected. And they find - 

A little, four-year-old African-American girl. In a mask and long white evening gloves.

Holmes goes and takes off the mask first thing, but the little girl is fine, just laughing and smiling at all the confused people. Watson “burst[s] out laughing, out of sympathy for her merriment.” 

But Grant Munro looks at his wife, who’s just run into the room, and says, “My God! What can be the meaning of this!” 

His wife’s backstory comes out. See, her first husband was African-American (she’s got his picture in her locket, Watson calls him “strikingly handsome and intelligent looking”) and the little girl is their daughter. (”Dark or fair, she is my own dear girlie and her mother’s pet!”) She didn’t think that a second husband would sign off on a multiracial daughter, so she’s been letting the Scottish nurse raise her - until she just cracked, missed her little girl too much, and had to have her near, even if it meant doing dumb things like giving her a mask and evening gloves so they wouldn’t accidentally start a rumor about an African-American girl living in the neighborhood. 

And then - actually, I’m just going to go to Arthur Conan Doyle (and Watson) for this last part:

This is also such an excellent illustration of canon Holmes vs. fanon Holmes, like, society has collectively over the past 126 years decided that Holmes is a cool and collected badass, not a self-deprecating dumbass who GETS INTO FISTFIGHTS WITH JELLYFISH and had to evolve several different methods of GRACIOUSLY GHOSTING A CASE because his conspiracy theories once ended up creating a FARCICAL CLOAK OF LIES around perfectly logical social situations that could have easily been resolved by interpersonal communication,

CALL ME OUT NEXT TIME WATSON

KEEP THESE RECEIPTS FOR ME

I’M TAKING MY FRESH NEW CROP OF NEUROSES AND GOING TF TO BED

Neil Gaiman, American Gods

ngl, i never finished reading american gods, and this is exactly where i stopped bc i was like “that’s it. that’s the best thing ever written. there is no way this book is getting any better, so i’m just gonna go lament the downfall of literature for 10 years and maybe come back to this later.”

This was also my favorite part

XD

The participation college degree.

angel

Idk which one is funnier