*me at the club, talking over the music*

HAHA WOW THESE LYRICS ARE PRETTY SEXIST HUH

I SAID THEY’RE SEXIST SORRY IT’S REALLY LOUD IN HERE I’M TRYING TO SAY THE SONGWRITERS ARE BEING OPENLY DISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN

When women want to fuck monsters:

When men want to fuck monsters:

Conclusion: men are fucking cowards.

I laughed out loud in the middle of a staff meeting.

I have yet to see a “not all men” and I’m surprised. 

via @trillgutterbug

He’s being so careful I’m crying

things my boyfriend has done

- urgently marched into A&E and said ‘we’re having knee pain!!’ to the confused receptionist. i had to explain that it was only my knee and that he was just worried

- when asked to tag me in a meme of ‘what water are you?’, said ‘you are the ocean: home to all friends’

- loved ‘filthy gorgeous’ and, rather than learning the words, learned ‘all three parts in the song where they ring a triangle’

- after we had an argument about him not ‘getting’ my ADHD, i caught him halfway through a three hour playlist of lectures on ADHD, with a pen in hand, taking notes

- he suffered a TBI last summer and he did not like the orienting questions they ask (’what year is it? what day is it?’ etc). when asked ‘do you know where you are?’, he cracked one eye open and angrily said ‘in bed!’

- he played knack 2 and hated it. when i asked why he was still playing it, he said ‘so i never have to play it again’. he got every achievement and as soon as he got the last one he stood up, ejected the disc and returned it to the store

- lately he’s given up on making lunch so he just drinks huel which is a meal replacement shake, except huel is kind of boring so he sometimes puts nesquick strawberry powder in there

- my favourite drink is pepsi max. when asked about his dreams for the future, they often involve ‘being rich enough to find a way to pump pepsi max directly into our house’

- one time in our first year of dating i hadn’t seen him in weeks, whereas we normally saw each other all day every day, so i was gonna go stay with him for a couple days. he had a temporary job (i’m talking 2 weeks total) at the time and i was bummed that i was gonna be alone at his for a bit, but w/e. he was texting me like ‘work is going okay, in the line for the canteen right now’ while i got on the bus. i found the key where he said it was, i found a note on the table like ‘hi love! the wifi code is [password], I’ll be back at 5!’, and then I went into the lounge and he was there. he was lying on a fold-out bed with Marvin Gaye playing. the TV was on a powerpoint slide that said ‘Welcome, Jess. I quit my job.’ he was entirely naked except for a cushion with the letter ‘D’ over his crotch. im 95% sure there were candles

- we play the game Rimworld, where you micromanage a colony of people on an alien planet. he uses it entirely to simulate a peaceful colony, mostly of women, who have a large number of animals they care for and train. one time he got this random event where all the women in the colony got a psychic mood boost and he was like ‘honestly that’s my life goal’

- when he was in hospital and his cognitive functions were slowly coming back, he looked up from twitter with horror and said ‘jess… is the american president a racist?’

- we were playing Articulate, which is a game where you have to describe a word without saying the word itself. His partner said ‘when you’re beginning sex, you are…’. he, without a second of hesitation, yelled ‘FOREPLAY’. the answer was actually ‘initiating’, but my ego grew like fourteen times

- one time he asked me what guacamole was, and i told him, and he said ‘if it’s made up of things that already have names why does it have a different name?’ i have not let him live this down yet

- i used to have an eating disorder, and whilst i’m good 99.9% of the time now i occasionally do have wobbles. one time i’d eaten some mini-donuts and i told him ‘i kind of want to check the calories on those…’, so he immediately pulled the label off and ate it

- i lost him for like twenty minutes at a uni event, and when i found him he presented me with a pepsi max badge and said ‘i rode this mechanical bull to try and win you a year’s supply but i fell off pretty quickly. sorry.’

- we won the ‘best couple’ award in our year at uni, but neither of us were there to collect it because i was ill and he left halfway through to come home and take care of me

- one time he wasn’t paying attention while making lunch and he cracked an egg directly into the bin. the look of confusion on his face was priceless.

- on the rare occasions when i wake up before him, when i kiss him/ touch him he makes these little like… activation sounds? you know like when you touch a cat? it’s like those

This is the cutest thing I have read with my own eyes

And what has she done for him ?

absolutely nothing i live in a hole and eat mud

this is everything

So my first thought upon seeing these is “Why, then, do they not eat cake?”

And then I learned the actual story behind these photos: Clemson University’s football team (the Tigers) held their national championship celebration (15-0 win this season) at the White House last night (2019/01/14), but because much of the residence staff at the White House is furloughed, Trump personally payed for the event to be catered with food from Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s. [source] [source]

McD’s sauces in gravy boat

Fries served in paper cups with the PotUS seal on them.

The combination of wealth and cheapness here is extraordinary. 

POTUS has to cater a meal to honour guests, and offers to pay for it out of his own pocket (because of the shutdown he engineered) and then goes for the cheapest possible option.

Hell if he’d volunteered to organise a barbecue I’d have been ore impressed, but no… fast food?

My mind feels like it’s trying to change three different gears without a clutch.

Part of Trump’s obsession with fast food is apparently he’s a major germaphobe and considers prepackaged and fast foods to be more hygienic than anything else.  That might also be why he eats his steaks so cooked to death.

apparently the players thought it was a joke and were… less that excited about eating junk food (they’re serious athletes)

Guys have a year round special athletics dining hall with their own nutritionist, and they go to the WHITE HOUSE and get served lukewarm congealed fast food

You know what McDonald’s fries are like when they’re left to sit out?  Now picture a whole meal of that.  From THE WHITE HOUSE.

It’s truly remarkable what a failure this man is on every level.

also, like: the juxtaposition of fast food on these silver platters surrounded by gold candelabras is just the clearest image of this administration we’ll likely ever get

Let’s also not forget that, in blatant violation of the emoluments clause, he has a restaurant branded with his name very, very close to the White House. He could very easily have arranged for that food- which, while reviews say is not good, at least isn’t fast food. And it would have cost him a fraction of what normal people are charged, because he wouldn’t have to pay the mark-up.

He likes the optics of this. He thought very seriously and decided that this was the best way to present things, either as a “fuck you” (to Dems “causing” the shutdown? To football players who remind him of the professionals who exercise their free speech rights with kneeling?) or because he genuinely think this makes him look good.

He’s a shitty person who’s also very bad at this.

the best scene in the history of forever

this is going to be in history books

Quick in-class illustration assignment for Valentine’s day

Not Even God Can Prepare You For What Your About To See

What is it?

meirl

I wish Ari would do acting again :(

this was honestly a religious experience

Therapist: “Are you experiencing any suicidal thoughts?”

Me:

do i just want dick or do i want love

U can have both!

are u fr?

I changed my mind, TikTok is Vine 2, which is amazing.

because no amount of gifs could do this scene justice

“Yass queen” with a completely emotionless face will always be the best line of the whole series.

This is so advanced tho.

Fuckin love this!!