ben

Finished work a little early than usual, drove back to my parents, went to an empty village from my hometown, watched the sunset with some chicken parmesan. Cooper got to run off-leash. I played Who’s Holding Donna Now by DeBarge on loop in my car stereo. Jammed to the music like I am on top of the world. Cooper was so happy and so am I.

Self Compassion 
I’m writing this in the middle of the night, sipping a glass of wine, whilst watching my dog Cooper play with his toy that I got yesterday but he managed to have it broken a few minutes after I hand it to him.
I’ve been wanting to write again for the longest time and I’m apprehensive about the thought of people get to have a peek into my life. It’s genuinely scary for me - this has something to do with myself I think but as mentioned, I’m immensely anxious about being vulnerable online, I do think there’s nothing wrong with it, I just want to live my life in private but at the same time, I could still do this and live private. Ahh, yes, I miss having sex. 
It’s going three months now since I moved to Rockwell and I’ll be honest, it’s been tough. I’m generally really happy with my place, with the building that I live in, with the amazing neighborhood I have but it’s been agonizing. If I’d sum up what I’m feeling, it’s this - I don’t have millions in my bank account and it frustrates me. Everyone here in Rockwell seems to have their shit together and very successful whilst me, being a 22-year-old designer who just graduated from college two years ago, still trying to save up, focusing on his career, and starting to build himself to be financially stable one day. During my first week here, I get asked twice by two strangers as I walk my dog, “what do I do?” At first, I find it strange to ask someone whom you just met but whilst I was having a conversation with them, it makes sense. People here are really successful and generally, a career-oriented community. They have it all figured out (or it may not be but at least they have a lot of money loool) and, oh, her dog’s name is Cooper too. 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely grateful that I get to live here and do this while I’m young. I’m grateful for my work and for the universe for allowing me to live the life of my dreams. And you know what, whenever I am in a rut I just think of my best friend, Eiziel, who moved to Australia and I’d be okay becos even when we are apart, somehow, we’re in the same path and I find very, very comforting. 
For the past few days, I’ve been forcing myself to think about “I don’t have a million in my bank account” or in general not thinking about money. It was both an exhilarating and peaceful moment. I’m tired of thinking about the future, reaching a certain amount of money to achieve my financial goal, and just eat at the delicious restaurants around my neighborhood, walk my dog, buy coffee outside, and just live life. This journey I am in is an opportunity for me to get to know myself. I dreamt of this life and I refuse to take it for granted. 
Aren’t we all thrive when we live in the moment and not think about what will happen next? No backup plans. Let life surprise us.