cw: abuse
i haven’t been honest on this blog in about a year.
All of the “hopeful” posts i wrote this fall and winter, were just grandiose denial. There was never any ‘net gain,’ no ‘things will get better soon as long as time passes,’ that was me deluding myself.
i was just really mean, and slowly dying.
After i figured out my whole tragic backstory back in may 2016, i promptly continued the cycle of abuse and leaped directly from “abuse survivor” to “abusive person.” i verbally and emotionally assailed anyone who minutely set me off. i refused any and all meds and screamed when the subject was even broached. i was in complete denial .
while i was too busy being ~smarter than everyone else~ and ~the best survivor in the world~: surprise surprise, my trauma took over my life and my manic episode grew for five months until it twisted into a Complete psychotic break. i believed with my entire heart things that made absolutely no sense. to be clear: i would not wish a 6 month psychotic break on anyone. it is hell. absolute hell on me and everyone close to me. my brain has been literally damaged. my life has been completely ruined.
two things are true at once i think:
- i was genuinely out of my mind. diagnosably out of my mind. look up anosognosia. i blacked out a lot, I was dizzy. i said things i never would have said, did things i never would have even thought to do, believed things i never would have believed, before that break in what i understood as reality. my vision and hearing were untrustworthy and dulled. i put myself in seriously dangerous situations. i ‘woke up’ in february and i’ve been horrified ever since. this year has harmed me as much as it’s harmed everyone else. there’s no way i would’ve just chosen this.
- More importantly, when i still had the capacity to think and avoid said life destroying psychotic break, i flat out refused to take care of myself and prevent this. Many, Many other people close to me saw this coming and tried to intervene. I refused to listen to anyone scared for me. I refused any help from doctors or friends that I trusted. i refused any and all meds and screamed when the subject was even broached. I was stubborn and argumentative and paranoid. my mental state made me numb to all the pain i was causing but it did not make other people numb. People around me were all in a lot of pain.
I had all the odds in my favor for surviving this trauma of mine, and i still let my rage, narcissism, and paranoia consume me. I take full responsibility for my actions, theyre a result of a long series of terrible, toxic, violent choices.
After coming forward about all my trauma, so many people reached out to me with kindness and respect. i basically spat on everyone’s efforts to be kind to me, and instead picked fights and attacked people. even when it made sense to be angry, i attacked with ten times more vitrol than necessary. i wrote lots of bizarre and abusive posts, centered around all my delusional thinking, on facebook, tumblr, and twitter. i called other abuse survivors weak. both in sweeping statements and directly. in really aggressive and horrible words. people i liked and respected called me out (or were too afraid to, some of them,) and i either ignored them or send cruel, disrespectful messages of nonsense. of course, it’s clear who the weak person really was there.
I had had a lot of friends who trusted me just because i hadn’t given them a reason not to, which only made how badly i treated them even worse. i confused and hurt a lot of people who wanted to like/care about me and wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt.
i didn’t apologize. not once. not for anything.
plenty of people survive similar sorts of child abuse that i did, and don’t go on to abuse other people. last year i had the opportunity to accept all the compassion and resources for healing/stability offered to me. i could’ve worked on the toxic parts of myself that come with the package of ~highly repressed csa survivor~ to become a better person.
there were hundreds of opportunities all through the summer for me to wake up and see how unfairly i was treating everyone. Instead i let the mania and denial and delusional thinking turn me into nothing /but/ toxicity.
i single handedly turned a close friendship that meant to whole lot to me into a horrifying abusive relationship.
Whatever my ex has said about me, all of it was accurate. nothing was an exaggeration. i sent cruel messages, using even personal things they had told me in confidence as ammunition. i was reflexively manipulative. i used my trauma as an excuse to lash out when things didn’t go how i wanted. Every conversation with me ended with me screaming. I remember screaming for hours, screaming in public. When they confronted me about this abusive behavior, multiple times, i ignored it. i hid behind my charisma and intelligence and good intentions. i hid behind this ex’s kindness and compassion. i treated the relationship as both disposable and unmovable, like i could do whatever fucked up things i wanted to in anger and still love and trust would always be there.
in short, my partner gifted me with their trust and years of their valuable time, what i gave them in return appears to be some dissociative echo of the way my own piece of shit father treated me. that’s the most evil thing i could possibly have done.
It doesn’t matter that i was going through my own horror show. i knew better. clearly i know what it feels to be blindsided by abuse after years of trust, and i inflicted that on an innocent friend. They had to leave me for their own safety. Months later, when i was STILL deep in denial, i offered two piss poor apologies. far too little, far too late.
it scares me beyond anything to know that i did all of this to people that i care about. it’s like i’m a walking cycle of abuse, it’s disgusting. i’m furious at myself. i don’t even feel comfortable calling myself an abuse survivor because only someone who is in some way honestly dead inside could actually say the kinds of fucking dementedly cruel things i actually did say to other people.
i became a hypocritical abuse ‘survivor’ who throws other abuse survivors under the bus.
i continued the cycle of betrayal and cruelty and abuse.
i mistreated and hurt people i cared about.
i became another white girl steered by hate and aggression in this political climate.
i neglected the animals that depended on me until i could no longer care for them.
I disappointed people who thought that they could trust me.
people were afraid to be around me, afraid for me, afraid of me.
i TRAUMATIZED other people with both my words and actions.
i made another person’s ptsd much, much worse.
I’m positive there are awful, toxic things i’ve said and done that i don’t remember doing/haven’t registered as gross yet.
i’ve hurt people probably deeper than i understand. in more sinister ways than i understand.
i’m going to remember all of this. how much pain good people have been put due to my abusive bullshit for the rest of my life.
and i lose too. i’m heartbroken and disgusted. it feels like my body’s made of lead. i’ve been sifting through what fragments of memories i have left, none of them even whole, and i’m sickened and horrified. i’m in the most terrifying part of my life, ever, and i’ve made sure that i’m completely alone for it.
i get messages from people i used to be close with. “i miss you.” i miss the person they miss too. i’m a fragment of the person that others used to like and trust. i’ve stayed away from a lot of people because i am so unsafe, a walking dissociative cycle of abuse. not because i’m depressed or anything. this is why.
this is the last post on my blog because it’s the first thing people should see. i don’t want to make excuses. i’m fully responsible for all the choices i made to get me here, each awful, irresponsible, violent choice after another.
it is far too late for apologies. there’s nothing i can do to set what i’ve done right. i have no clue where i am going or what i am doing. i am only just starting to understand the absolutely disgusting things i’ve done. i’m working to become less of a toxic pit of a person.
for anything at all it’s worth, i know i’m honest in saying that i am sorry. i’m really really fucking sorry for all of my abusive bullshit and all of the unnecessary pain its caused the people i was around. never will i play that fucking cruel again.
