I think one of the most important things to ask for in prayer is discernment, it is so incredibly vital, especially in the world that we live in today.
Ask for clarity, ask for the ability to recognize truth from falsehood, ask for the wisdom to know what is yours and what isn’t. It’ll save you from so much confusion and trouble.
“we live in an uncaring universe” yeah dude and I live in an uncaring house. and I shit in an uncaring toilet. but do you touch an uncaring lover? do you comfort an uncaring child? do you guide to sleep each night a cold and uncaring self?
Tulip Candlesticks by Michael Aram
Slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of love or reassurance can heal what has already been done to me. I seriously think I have met too many people in my life that fucked me up so bad, I simply will never be able to trust anyone anymore.
I think I will never be able to have a normal and healthy relationship and that fucking hurts.
I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for having traumas. I feel guilty for being traumatized. I feel guilty for feeling the feelings I feel. I feel guilty for expressing those feelings. I feel guilty for showing emotions. Everything feels like it's my fault. And everytime someone says something remotely close to it being my fault, It feels like I failed the whole world, because I am not doing it right. Even if they are pointing out things I could do in a different way to improve myself, it feels like I am worth nothing but death. I feel guilty for my existence.
The memory loss as a feature of ptsd and dissociative disorder is rarely talked about. It’s not only ‘big holes in memories’ or 'blank periods of time’, though of course that happens too. But you lose people from your memory too.
Relationships, friendships. People who once meant everything to you, you can’t recall their names anymore. People you only casually knew during a period of trauma can fade from your mind completely. You can’t remember what you said to someone, what conversations you had together, even the fights and the lows, it all becomes a blur, and then completely fades away.
Your life is sorted into periods of whatever trauma was going on at the moment, but you can’t recall what else took place. What you learned, what experiences you had, the normal things you did that later feel bizzare for a person in your situation to do, to be able to do. Or you don’t remember the trauma, and it’s difficult to put things into any kind of context.
And for your childhood, it’s impossible to make a timeline out of it. Events mesh together, there’s no before or after, to link an event to a year is almost impossible, for any event you can’t tell if you were 5 or 8 or 14, you try and make sense based on what else was going on in your life, except you can’t quite remember what it was. You lived one life at home, a whole another life in school or public space, another one online, and they don’t seem to be connected at any point, and to link it all in a timeline feels impossible.
The memories that don’t hold strong emotions fade first, but eventually, the ones with strong emotions fade too.
Your short term memory becomes difficult as well, it feels like an incredible strain to remember anything you did 2 weeks ago, or 2 days ago, or yesterday. If you’re reminded of something that went on a year ago, it’s a shock because you no longer remember it as something that happened at all. Your brain erases anything that ended as something that never happened, or isn’t worth recalling, or would only stress you out to think about, so you don’t, and it goes away.
Having a memory surge back is stressful, because you realize you never thought about this event, or this person, for years, and this meant something to you, it formed you and shaped your life, it made you feel something. But it was gone for so long, and probably, the second you forget it, it will be gone again. It’s hard to see who you are when you no longer know who you were. You don’t know how anyone perceives you because you don’t recall your experience together.
i dont think people realize how painful it is to constantly live in survival mode. like fight/flight/freeze/etc. is reserved for when you're close to fucking dying. people weren't made to live entire lives in that state. can you imagine the damage that does?
Stephanie Foo, from What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma.
Something inside of me has died and I can't bring it back to life. I feel really bad right now.
complex trauma is kicking my ass
Heart shaped vintage valentine postcards
XiaoXi Fu photographed by JingYi Lang, Makeup by Ted Luo
i get it when people are like "liking obscure music doesn't make you a better person" but curiosity and curation and seeking new things out are good traits and it makes your life more interesting to have your own little things and the most fun you can ever have is creating a personal canon and defending it with your life
