maplepiano reblogged
the bible but its retold in memes
“if she eat the fruit, she a thot”, the Allmighty said
“all women are queensssss” the serpent hissed into Eve’s ear
HE saw that they had eaten the fruit. and so with divine fury, he cast them out of Paradise as HIS voice thundered across the planes
“This bitch sentient. YEET”
Jesus handed his disciples the cup with wine
“take a sip babes, for this is my blood”
as he cast samael the lightbringer out of heaven, the lord turned to his voice. metatron, this is so sad. play despacito
God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. Then said for all, but Noah and his family, “then perish”
And on the seventh day, God said: “It is Sunday, my dudes.”
- And He told His followers about the Promised Land:
- Moses commanded the red sea in the name of God, “Move, I’m gay.”
- And the Lord spoke to his disciples, “Take, cronch. This is my body, given for you.” Then, lifting the wine, Jesus cracked open a cold one with the boys.
- The blind man was made to see by Jesus’ hand, and he looked up in awe. “I’d like to thank not only God but also Jesus.”
- The Pharaoh of Egypt would not relent, for he was the sand guardian, guardian of the sand, and the Israelites quivered before him.
- Tied up and helpless, Samson’s wig was snatched.
- On the third day, Jesus rose again. “I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me.”
- “PSA: here are the new Commandments, thank you for coming to my TED talk.”
- “Um OP literally created the world and everything in it but go off I guess”
- Witnessing Jesus walking on water, the disciples were in awe: “Oh, my God — He on x-games mode”
- Jesus, bound to the cross, spoke thusly:
