Today is September 12th, 2022.
I don’t know if anyone else is on here anymore, and I know I haven’t logged on in forever.
But I have to put this somewhere. Those who know, know my little brother was my sunshine and best friend. Before I got married and moved out of state, he was the one I did everything with. He was my man of honour at my wedding. His name was Brendan.
A year ago, on September 12th, 2021, I was 9 months pregnant. I got on a facetime call with my mom.
Mom: Leanne, I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t say anything. Me:Ok... Mom: Brendan drove drunk last night. He was drunk and he drove to McDonalds Me: Oh no Mom: And then, he comes out. Tells me he’s gay. Tells me he has not one boyfriend but multiple. One is apparently an older man, probably in his 50s. And I told him I think he’s amoral. Disgusting. I’m not supporting him. Me: What? Mom. That was the wrong thing to say. Mom: I don’t care Me: You need to go make things right. You need to apologize. He was driving drunk, that’s not good mom, that’s not good. That’s bad it’s really bad.
I don’t remember what else was said. I only remember hanging up and crying. My baby brother, who had dealt with depression for years, was driving drunk, came out, and got that reaction from my mom. This wasn’t good. It wasn’t good. How do I reach out and what do I say that won’t put pressure on him? How do I do this? I’m not supposed to say anything?? My brother is obviously in a red flag zone here and I’m states away about to have a baby. Do not panic.
I sent him a text, a picture of me and my daughter, telling him we miss him. He responded saying he missed us too, and he’ll come visit by the end of the year.
A few hours later, I went into labour and gave birth to our 2nd daughter.
I sent him a text letting him know his new niece is here. She needs her Uncle Brendan.
A few days later, I told him I think we should talk. He agreed. I thought to myself, if I can just get him to talk to me and tell me things as he wants to, on his own, no pressure, it’ll be ok. We have time. I love him more than all of the stars and nothing would make me ever call him amoral. Certainly not coming out. I don’t care who he loves, I want him to be happy. I want him to be with someone who adores him. 2.5 weeks went by, recovering from labour, hormones crashing, not sleeping, telling my mom to go apologize, texting my brother but not seeming too urgent, telling my husband - if anything happens to Brendan, I will cease to exist. As someone who barely texts or uses his phone, he told me to get Discord, and I don’t even know what that is, but I downloaded an ap. I sent him my screen name..
Thursday, September 30th, 2021 - Brendan told me he’d add me on Discord later that night, and he loved me.
Yes, we would finally talk. Thankfully.
I texted him later that night to tell him I was waiting for him. But he didn’t get back to me.
October 1st, it was a Friday. I got a notification that our daughter was checked out of school. It was early, but it was harvest season, so it’s normal for my husband to leave work early to help on the farm. I was home with the baby. My husband came home, I asked where our daughter was, he said he dropped her off at his moms. Also normal. I was sitting in our recliner with our newborn. Happy to see my husband.
He walked over, put the baby in her bassinet.
He held my hand and he told me to call home.
All the life was sucked out of me because I knew.
After moments of refusing to call home because if I didn’t call, I wouldn’t be faced with what was happening.
I finally got in touch with home. I heard my mom, quietly, say,
“Leanne, it’s Brendan.”
WHAT ABOUT HIM
Silence.
My sweet brother was found hanging. He was 22 years old.
And the world has stood still. Time froze. October 1st, 2021.
It’s been almost a year, and it’s still raw. So very raw. I look at my soon to be 1 year old, who, in my head, is still 2.5 weeks old. She’s still a newborn and my brother is still alive.
My brother deserved the world. His heart was gold. He was full of empathy and warm hugs. And he’s not here anymore. I still don’t believe it. Maybe it’s a way of self-protection, but my brain has convinced me he’s just off traveling through Europe. His passport is full.
I thought I had time. There was no time. There was no time. My brother died alone. I don’t know how long he was there before he was found. I only hope that he didn’t suffer.
I close my eyes every day to dream of him and picture his smile. I wait for him to return; I wait for his hugs and for his voice to travel through the solar system.
I love you so much, B. You are my beloved little brother and there is no other you.
