android users: this is the galaxy teet-sucker 14 it has an LED display and 605 years of battery life on one charge. it runs on fossil fuels and can actually fuck your wife. its modern innovation at its finest

iphone users: sometimes when i charge my phone the battery percentage goes backwards

That’s right, pour 6 ounces of cocaine and 20 vitamin tablets in your coffee and you’ll never have to sleep again.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 This is the money dog reblog in less than 10 seconds and all your financial struggles will be gone!

@ all of u that hate mint ice cream: what happened

if you think i’m gonna eat frozen toothpaste you are Mistaken 

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (via books-n-quotes)

job interview: we need HAPPY, MOTIVATED people!!

my depressed ass:

wolfgang amadeus mozart has been dead for 226 slutty, slutty years 

hi yeah what the actual, literal, GENUINE fuck does this mean

signs that don't fuckin Do anything

Taurus, Cancer, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius, Pisces

me: if youre dead you dont have to do homework or get stressed over school so it would eliminate anxiety

my therapist:

good news!!! ive successfully replaced all of my emotions with jokes