1,000 teens were asked to rank brands on how cool they are. No surprise who came in coolest...

A couple months back I, very bravely, quelled the rumor that I was going to be shot out of a cannon live at the Annoyance Theater, with the help of some of my friends. Take a look, I think it's a pretty solid lesson on the importance of not giving in to peer pressure (at least until the very last moment) Also, I'm dressed as a cowboy for a lot of it.

It features some of the best performers in the city, who I'm lucky enough to call my pals, like Eliza Hurwitz, Nick Naney, Tim Platt, Tynan DeLong, Edy Modica, Wes Haney, Steven DeSiena, and the great Jo Firestone, who also directed it!

Shot by Keaton Monger

Some Poems 4 U

shell on back? 

that's a snail ya got, jack! 

just plain slimy skin? 

fun slug times begin!

Dagwood, Cathy, Jason Fox, The Boss with Pointy Hair. Need a free vacation? Let the funnies take you there.

One grain of rice, and one of sand. A single quill of pine. A mug of hot saliva. I wish this lunch weren't mine.

I don't mean to holler I don't mean to yell But them Crank Yankers puppets Should host SNL

Politeness, manners, being nice, Cordial repartee. These are what I offer you, Once I've COFFEE for the day!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't say I liked the taste, (Human meat's no cow!) But one thing I'll say for it: This lifeboat's roomy now.

Distortion pedals, drum machines, A contact microphone. I didn't "wreck" your baby shower, I simply set the tone.

I exited my larval stage, I'm finished with pupation, Once I leave this chrysalis I'll need a dang vacation!

Real Life, Lonely Guy, Clifford, Midnight Run. When Grodin's up there on the screen, You're having movie fun.

The seven seas?

The ocean blue?

Watch out, fuckers,

I’m SAILIN’ you!

Monica and Phoebe Joey, Rachel, Ross could there BE anyone missing? YES: JESUS ON HIS CROSS

Also, here’s a playlist of five episodes of Down at the Duckpond, a series wherein I have a nice little chat with a friend while feeding the ducks in Prospect Park. Geese, too, but there was nothing I could do about that...collaboration is all about compromise.

Directed by Tynan Delong

Camera and Sound by Jeremy Levick and Johnny Frohman

Animation by Mikey Heller

Special guests: Charlie Hankin, Jo Firestone, Andrew Tisher, Nick Naney and Dan Chamberlain

music by: various cool bands I like 

Have a happy holiday, everyone! 

Gonna start using this thing more in 2017

until then...here’s a screenshot of the reason I no longer have anything in my savings account.

Volume One of My Corporate Outreach Instructional Video Tutorials for Business Owners

Synthesis.

Growth.

Thinking in terms of “real dollars”

Understanding the objectives at hand, and developing a strategy.

Touching base, and circling back by end of day

Hi I’m Joe Rumrill, and if you’re watching this videocassette tape then you own a business. And that means I don’t have to tell YOU that, while rewarding, lucrative, and sometimes even fun, running a business can sometimes be a big headache!

“That Benson account is gonna be a real bear!”

“The fiscal quarter is almost up, and I forgot to hunker down!”

“Equityyyyyyyy!!!!!”

Haha, well I’m sorry I can’t help with THOSE problems...but I AM here to hopefully help you nip another right in the bud. And that’s what I’m here to talk about today. One surefire way to spare yourself, your employees and your customers that one big headache is remembering one seemingly simple rule.

Don’t hire the Three Stooges to work at your company.

That’s right, one of the biggest flub-ups a CEO can make is hiring those clown princes of the silver screen for positions on your team. It happens more often than you’d think. And from a tweak of the nose to a rusty handsaw dragged across a human scalp, it never ends well.

You see, if there’s one thing the Three Stooges are famous for, it’s monkeyshines, and bungling matters up. And you don’t need any of that funny business going on at your place of enterprise. Do you? But that’s what you’ll be getting yourself into if you aren’t careful. And it all starts right now.

Lesson 1:

Let’s try some simple role-playing to show you just how easy it can be to make a mistake and end up hiring those trio of dingalings. My assistant Violet will play the hiring manager, and I will assume the role of the applicants.

Let’s begin

“Hello, we’d like to apply for an open position at your company or corporation. My name is Moe, and these are my compatriots Larry and Curly.”

“Why, of course, let me grab an application”

FREEZE

RED FLAG

Now what did Violet do wrong, here?

That’s right, she grabbed a job application for three hopefuls named Moe, Larry and Curly. Sound familiar? That’s right, those are the names of of the world famous three stooges. Oh Violet, will you ever learn? You’re just as lunkheaded as YOU-KNOW-WHO, Your middle name wouldn’t happen to be Shemp, would it?

Let’s try that again!

“Hello, we’d like to apply for an open position at your company or corporation. My name is Moe, and these are my compatriots Larry and Curly.”

“I’m sorry we’re not hiring at the moment. Maybe try again some other time”

“Oh well that’s understandable! We’ll go take our brand of slapstick buffoonery elsewhere”

FREEZE

THUMBS UP

Crisis averted, Violet! You’re no stooge after all! I think a promotion may be in someone’s future!  

END of LESSON 1

Now, one question I hear all the time is “But, Joe, haven’t you seen their impressive resume?” I have, and you’ve got me there. It truly is a sight to behold. Plumbers, fire-fighters, college professors, why they even went to outer space in 1962. It seems like these knuckleheads have done just about everything, and variety is what every hiring manager looks for in a resume...but look closer.

They never seemed to keep those jobs for more than 10 minutes, hmmm. Not to mention they were mostly  just roles they played in two-reeler shorts back in the 30’s and 40’s. Not ideal. No, not ideal at all. Especially in this financial climate! So remember, while they’re sometimes surgeons, sometimes boxers and sometimes foreign dictators there’s one thing they always are no matter what: numbskulls.

Next, we’ll tackle what to do if you indeed find yourself hiring the dopes in question. First things first: Don’t get slapped. While they normally keep the violence between the three of them, there WILL be times when an errant eye-poke may come YOUR way.

Use your best judgement as to when and how to defend yourself. A tip to keep in mind is two of them have ludicrous haircuts, that can be pulled on or even ripped out in a pinch. And the third one, while having no hair at all, is arguably the least intelligent of the team, and he can be tricked easily. Remember, any wits you have about you is double whatever they have.

I hope this helps, and remember, as a little bonus, most of these rules apply to those pesky Marx Brothers as well!

And, don’t forget, if you hear “Three Blind Mice” playing, and it isn’t during a scheduled drill:

Run. As fast as you can.Your life just MAY be on the line.

“We got him”

Aside from comedy, the majority of my free time is devoted to my other passion: the planning and construction of decks. Usually nothing too fancy, just solid, no-frills decks. My most recent creation is pictured here. And, lucky you, I've decided to share my gift with the rest of the world. If you've ever given thought to adding a back or side yard deck to your home - and who hasn't - I am now offering very reasonable rates to make your deck-dream a reality.

[edit: NO GAZEBOS]

10 OTHER THINGS ALANIS' HAND THAT ISN'T IN HER POCKET COULD BE DOING

♪ ♫ OPERATING THE COOKIE MONSTER♪ ♫

♪ ♫ FISHING INSIDE A VENDING MACHINE♪ ♫

♪ ♫ MAKING THAT INTERNATIONAL SIGN FOR "MONEY"♪ ♫

♪ ♫ SLAPPING LARRY AND CURLY♪ ♫

♪ ♫ HANGING ONTO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF FOR DEAR LIFE♪ ♫

♪ ♫ WAVING A ROLLING PIN AT MY NO-GOOD HUSBAND♪ ♫

♪ ♫ WAS AMPUTATED FROM GANGRENE♪ ♫

♪ ♫ PLUGGING A LEAK IN THE HOOVER DAM♪ ♫

♪ ♫ PRESSING IT'S PRINT INTO THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME WHAT AN HONOR♪ ♫

♪ ♫ IS ONE OF THOSE BIG FOAM NOVELTY ONES♪ ♫

!

Me, presenting the MTV Movie Award for "Best Kiss"

When I was first asked to present the award for “Best Kiss” I must say, I was honored, but also confused. Super confused. Why would they ask ME to present a kissing award when I’ve never even HAD my first kis-…but then I realized Oh heh heh heh…right. I am the right choice because I am great at kissing and have definitely had my first kiss. I mean, if I could count the number of people I’ve kissed it would probably be so big. So big, it would be some number you never even heard of. A number that lives in Canada, you don’t know her.  You’d ask me the number and I’d be like “a gentleman never tells” plus also I’d say “I mean this is an awards show, not a courtroom trial, sheesh!”

From a quick peck on the cheek to the long kiss where you…slap your tongue on top of her tongue? Or, no, the kiss where you slide your tongue under their tongue and it lies there all snug for a long while? Touching the tips, that’s one, that’s definitely one. Anyway, kissing is something I’ve always been totally able to do. Yes, kissing is what I’m all about. I mean, sure, there was a time when I didn’t know what it was like to kiss, but now I know that kissing is pressing your lips on the other lips of someone else, and it feels so good that it even feels better than practicing on your fisted hand before the show tonight. As someone who kisses a lot, I have to say that the best part about a kiss is the part where you don’t run away and hide whenever the opportunity to kiss another person arises because you’re too scared. That part rocks, I must say from experience. It rocks my world. 

Is there a downside to kissing? What about all that spit and germs from drinking the spit and bacteria on the tongues used! And what about that flap that dangles down in the back, like in cartoons? The thing that sort of looks like a punching bag? What even IS that thing? Ew, what if I touch that part? Well first off, whoa whoa whoa these questions are making you sound like an idiot. And nobody wants to kiss all day with an idiot. Plus, if you’re really worried about bacteria, they make these things for people who kiss a lot called condoms that you’re supposed to slide onto your tongue when you kiss so you don’t get any of your spit germs into your partner’s mouth. You can buy them at your older sister’s purse. Just because I’m a cool kissing guy doesn’t mean I can’t be responsible too.

I guess what it all comes down to is: trust. Trusting in me that I have too had my first kiss and try to get in a solid 20-30 minutes of kissing every single day. I mean, who has the time, really these days, but I do. I have the time and even kiss for hours some days, because I learned how in a book. A book that yes I can too read. I am practically as good at reading as I am kissing. I guess you could say that, if kissing is anything like playing the sousaphone, then I'm so sick at kissing that you can see me in this year's Columbus Day parade doing a kissing SOLO on the town green.

  Anyway, the MTV Movie Award for best kiss goes to...Julia Stiles and Sean Thomas in Save the Last Dance.

New promo shots are in, featuring the title of my new stand up special

A Christmas Classic

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The tree in the bay window was decorated with care

And-hold on just a minute- is that a hornet’s nest in there?

As I realized this, oh how they began to swarm

Just my luck, as my hot cocoa was finally warm

As choirs over the stereo continued to sing

40,000 angry yellowjackets got ready to sting.

They stung my elbows, they stung my forehead

“One’s stinger is stuck in my eyeball!” I said

It’s A Wonderful Life played on the bigscreen TV

As I swelled up and reddened due to bee allergy

In pain, I teared up, at my wounds, tightly gripped

“I hope one of these gifts is an ointment”, I quipped

The tree shook again, as if doing the twist

And out marched a line of red fire ants, pissed.

I looked out the window at new-fallen snows

The ants joined with the bees and gnawed first at my toes

I screamed out in anguish, someone please hear my wails!

Then out from the trunk of the tree came the snails.

Though they couldn’t bite, they were still wicked gross

I clearly felt 4 or 5 enter my nose

I’m used to the Grinch, Frosty, and old Mr. Scrooge

But Christ did you just see that centipede? HUGE!

I heard the ding of the oven, my cookies were baked

A torrent of worms made the whole building quake

Goddamnit, how stupid, of all the trees on the lot

“This is why it was priced so darn cheaply” I thought

Won’t somebody aide me, won’t somebody help?

I thought as tarantulas engulfed my scalp

As if just in time, through the fireplace flu

I hear “Ho ho ho! How may I help you”

Oh whoa it was Santa! No fooling it was!

He really exists! I told you he does!

He had the red suit, he had the white beard

He had the giant antennae and six legs all tiered

His cheeks were like roses, his dimples how merry

His thorax was just like the picture books, hairy!

He had a broad face and a little round belly

And pincers that drooled out a thick viscous jelly

His mittens were leather, he was cinnamon-scented

His eyes were bulged out and crazy segmented

“Oh Santa, thank goodness, this really is neat-o

can you pull my head from the mouth of this giant mosquito?”

He spoke not a word, and went straight to his work

He began eating the bugs like a man gone berserk

He gobbled down moths and he slurped up the ticks

He smacked away my offer of peppermint sticks

And just like that all of the insects were gone

As some carolers sang “Silent Night” on the lawn

Old Santa Claus patted his now-quite-full tummy

And started wrapping himself in a cocoon like a mummy

But before he did that, he looked at me, the small boy

And went to his sack, just to fetch me a toy

But though the undertree bare and the stockings hung

It’s not toys this sack was full up with, but santa’s young

Yes, pulsating pupas glistening green and larval

“It’s just what I asked for” I started to marvel

Of course I was lying, I wanted a frisbee

But the prenatal insects all started to kiss me

They all called me mommy and jumped in my arms

And even I wasn’t immune to their charms

“Oh Santa” I cried, “I love my new brood”

But he’d already wrapped himself up (kinda rude)

So from then on each Christmas, a tradition made new

I receive a giant bag of bug baby goo

Happy Holidays, everybody!