Midnight fishin'

or When the full moon syncs up with your holiday plans

'thats probably fine' is my favourite thing to say after seeing something that is incredibly obviously not fine. it is very played out and i will never ever stop doing it

It’s funny how science fiction universes so often treat humans as a boring, default everyman species or even the weakest and dumbest.

I want to see a sci fi universe where we’re actually considered one of the more hideous and terrifying species.

How do we know our saliva and skin oils wouldn’t be ultra-corrosive to most other sapient races? What if we actually have the strongest vocal chords and can paralyze or kill the inhabitants of other worlds just by screaming at them? What if most sentient life in the universe turns out to be vegetable-like and lives in fear of us rare “animal” races who can move so quickly and chew shit up with our teeth?

Like that old story “they’re made of meat,” only we’re scarier.

HOLY SHIT THEY EAT CAPSAICIN FOR FUN

YOU GUYS I HEARD A HUMAN ONCE ATE AN AIRPLANE.

A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT

humans are a proud warrior race with a pantheon of bloody gods: Ram-Bo, Schwarzenegger, etc.

REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT FATALLY INCAPACITATE HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY THE HEAD.

WARNING: HUMANS CAN DETECT YOU EVEN AT NIGHT BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE

WARNING: HUMANS CAN REPRODUCE AT A RATE OF 1 PER SPACEYEAR. DESTROY INFESTATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS OVER THIRTY OUTCROPS OF BONE AND POWERFUL JAW MUSCLES.

HUMAN BITES CAN BE FATALLY INFECTIOUS EVEN TO OTHER HUMANS

WARNING: HUMANS CAN AND WILL USE IMPROVISED WEAPONS. SEE CLASSIFIED DATA LABELED J. CHAN.

HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE

OH GOD THE HUMANS FIGURED OUT DOOR HANDLES OH GOD OH GOD

More seriously, humans do have a number of advantages even among Terrestrial life. Our endurance, shock resistance, and ability to recover from injury is absurdly high compared to almost any other animal. We often use the phrase “healthy as a horse” to connote heartiness - but compared to a human, a horse is as fragile as spun glass. There’s mounting evidence that our primitive ancestors would hunt large prey simply by following it at a walking pace, without sleep or rest, until it died of exhaustion; it’s called pursuit predation. Basically, we’re the Terminator.

(The only other animal that can sort of keep up with us? Dogs. That’s why we use them for hunting. And even then, it’s only “sort of”.)

Now extrapolate that to a galaxy in which most sapient life did not evolve from hyper-specialised pursuit predators:

In essence, we’d be Space Orcs.

Our jaws have too many TEETH in them, so we developed a way to WELD METAL TO OUR TEETH and FORCE THE BONES IN OUR JAW to restructure over the course of years to fit them back into shape, and then we continue to wear metal in out mouths to keep them in place. 

We formed cohabitative relationships with tiny mammals and insects we keep at bay from bothering us by death, often using little analouge traps. 

And by god, we will eat anything. 

Klingons and Krogan and Orcs ain’t got shit on us

We drink ethanol (in concentrations high enough to be used as an effective as microbicide or a solvent!) for the express purpose of achieving blood toxicity and disrupting normal brain function… AS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY!

On the same subject, we also deliberately incinerate assorted substances and then inhale the particulate-heavy smoke and vapor resulting for the same effect. EVEN IN THE FACE OF SAID SUBSTANCES BEING CARCINOGENIC, BECAUSE WE JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Humans do not have biological castes. Kill their commander and another will take its place. Soldiers left alone on a planet will start farming and manufacturing to survive. Farmers and manufacturers will take up arms and kill you if pressed. Just because two humans look different doesn’t mean they cannot do each other’s jobs.

Breeding does not kill them. A single human can mate dozens or hundreds of times in a lifetime. They often do so as recreation. Xenobiology team six believes they do not have a mating season but this is too strange to be true.

Their appendages are not designed for hitting, so they developed special training to make them very good at hitting anyhow. 

The proteins making up their bodies are toxic and cause prion disease. Do not touch anything humans have touched. Do not consume earth foods. Fire does not adequately remove this contamination.

Humans perceive sixteen times the colors we do. Do not hide in bushes or vines from humans. They can distinguish your pelt from the foliage with ease.

We tried venting waste gas into the tunnels to kill the humans when they attacked. Turns out they breathe it. 

Everything on their planet came from a single biological strain. They developed comprehensive genetics BEFORE they developed space travel. 

They lack radio receptors and cannot be brought into compliance with right-thought simply by broadcasting to them. Even after we learned how to translate it into sound-waves one of their hatchlings drove the Great Authority mad by responding to every demand with a single question: “Why?”

#an individual human being is actually a microbiome in its own right—you are dealing with a legion each time you approach them     #they carry pathological agents inside their deep tissues and this is advantageous to their health     #one of the most widespread and resilient viruses on their planet is treated as mildly hazardous—even though it causes     #massive disruption to the body’s homeostasis     #(their young offspring endure multiple rhinovirus infections EACH YEAR yet they seem unperturbed by this)     #they have developed such long lifespans that now their primary threat is their own body’s degeneration     #humanity has literally figured out how to survive so long that their body gives out under them     #and they are not satisfied with that     #stupid willful vengeful survivalists who treat mortality like a challenge    

I am speechless

We are the real terror to the aliens. That’s why they don’t come around

HERITAGE POST

this is the OG humans are scary space monsters post!

yesss

@hellsite-hall-of-fame tell me you’ve got itttt

ppl who celebrate fictional character birthdays are annoying pass it on

FUCK this post and happy birthday sonic

honestly

My favorite piece of tumblr linguistics to ever come out of this site is “the horrors”. It’s delightfully evocative and also gives absolutely no information about what I’m talking about. “Sorry I can’t go out today I’m facing the horrors” am I talking about the encroaching dread and existential despair of our dystopian world? am I talking about the fact that I have to wash dishes? No one knows. It’s all horrors.

friendship

Old comics about horny Vox

Oh I kinda miss them🥹

The Dionysian Aspects of Queen Bee

Looking at Bee through the lens of a devotee of Dionysus is very interesting. So, I thought I’d make a post about it.

Dionysus is often mischaracterized as a drunk, but in reality he’s all about consumption within reason. He encourages drinking to excess so far as it brings you pleasure and joy, but the moment your over-indulgence brings you or others pain or shame, you’ve gone too far. He doesn’t approve of making an ass of yourself.

Which is exactly what you see with Queen Bee and Blitz. The moment Blitz is no longer enjoying himself, but drinking to forget and avoid his problems, she speaks up. If he’s not enjoying himself, she can’t enjoy the energy coming off of him. He’s tainting the punch, killing the vibe.

Dionysus also encourages (especially women and the disenfranchised) to free themselves from the bonds of social restrictions and norms. He influenced women to throw down their weaving, uncover their hair, and run wild in the woods during a time when they rarely got to leave their homes.

We see this with Bee’s party. The guests are all Imps and Hellhounds - those of the lower classes. She chooses to socialize and consort with these classes. While you could say this is because they’re her people, and she’s the progenitor of Hellhounds, she doesn’t have to party with them. She still has a higher position than they do. And while having an affinity for Hellhounds makes sense, she also seems to prefer imps which I personally think points towards simply enjoying the company of lower class demons.

Bee strikes me as someone who would willingly lower herself to their level to an extent for the fun of it. And she may potentially have a preference for those who are more downtrodden in society.

Note I say “to an extent” because she still has power and shows no signs of not wanting it. And she can be a bit rough with her encouragements to party. Her reasons for doing so aren’t entirely altruistic either. She wants others to feel good because she wants to feel good, too.

Dionysus can also be harsh and forceful with his liberation and freedom. It is not always something he allows his followers to choose to engage in. Sometimes, he also throws you into the punch bowl lol.

He’s a powerful God and he has no desire to be anything else. He uses that power and status to get things he wants, fuck with people for fun, and have his own good time. Bee is no more equal to the Hellhounds at her party than Dionysus to the bacchanates of his thiasos. So, in my interpretation, neither wish to actually be equal to the downtrodden they seek to uplift.

I do like to imagine Bee could incite her Hellhounds into a Dionysian frenzy and it would fit with her bee influence fairly well. That is of course just a head canon. But I think it would be a fun power.

Dionysus was also about sexual liberation, and I think she showed a bit of that with her musings over Satan lol.

But, I think, much like Dionysus, Bee is likely an extremely morally complex person. I don’t think she’s as purely good and benevolent as I’ve seen some speculate. Who in Hell is? She’s likely got her darker shades even if on the whole, she’s much more interested in others having fun than some Sins probably are.

Disclaimer: this is just a ramble because I really liked drawing the parallel. It is not an attempt to say that Bee is a terrible, horrible, evil bitch since I know someone will misconstrue it that way somehow, this being the internet and all. But she has notes of a God I worship so it should be obvious that I like her and this is not an attempt at slander.

you're telling me people DONT like when their cat is talkative?? you don't like meow meow?? mrrp? mmrp?

you don't like meow meow ? 🐈 ? mrrp mrrp ?

Three qualities of a great cat

talkative affectionate and large

Asmodeus week Day 2 - Engineer  

friendly reminder for the new twitter refugees:

rinsing the sink, running the garbage disposal, fork balanced on bowl slips off and slides into the drain, subconscious reflexes kick in as I shut disposal off just in time, staring at fork, only conscious thought in brain is pitch perfect recreation, ten years buried, like i tripped and hit play on a dusty tape recorder lying forgotten in the room, of let's do the fork in the gaaarbage disposal!! dingdingdingdidingdingding

hes trying to explode you with his mind

the group chat when i ask whos available to hang out next week

Honestly this is one of the best formatted jokes of all time.