Could you possibly show an ESTP versus an ESFJ? I'm an ESTP & my best friend is an ESFJ. Just wanted to see how we're opposite in thinking & stuff like that... if that's cool...

[see this post for relationship tips]

ESTP (Se-Ti-Fe-Ni) + ESFJ (Fe-Si-Ne-Ti)

Potential for Conflict:

Opportunities for Growth and Balance:

Are SJ’s usually traditionalists? Or could they just be stabilizers ? They stereotypes make them sound like they get stuck doing things one way but lower Ne also is open to doing things different. I have been thinking that’s why parents and grandparents often shock us doing things or changing their outlook at least to some degree that would have seemed impossible when they were younger. Thank you.

Oh, excellent. Time to bust up some stereotypes. ;)

Don’t assume your parents / grandparents / the older generation are SJs. Some of them are, some of them ain’t. The older people get, the more they tend to mellow and by having you, their life of freedom and doing whatever they wanted for their own pleasure was sharply curtailed. Suddenly, they had to make money and support a family and if they’re even marginally responsible, that is going to make your average parent / grandparent look SJ when they ain’t. 

That being said, if SJ is one of the most prevalent types, then you have to assume by extension that SJs have also contributed to shaping social progression across the ages; that SJs fought for human rights, animal welfare, feminism, equality in voting, and so on, none of which were “traditional” when first proposed. You can’t assume everyone who changed the world or pushed it forward in some way was not SJs. Or that it was ONLY SJs trying to halt progress or defend traditionalism. STJ = traditionalist is a myth perpetuated by NP writers with poor opinions of Si (due to having it low in their stack) and thus writing extreme stereotypes in STJ characters.

You want an example of a non-SJ clinging to traditionalism? Sir Thomas More. INXP. Feared embracing Protestantism would bring civil war to England and possibly wind up killing a hundred thousand people – because it happened in Germany. He came at it from a bunch of different angles – fear of the unknown, seeing negative consequences happen in other nations, having foresight and seeing how Protestantism could ripple into and threaten the stability of other areas of social life (Ne), a strong religious / Catholic upbringing that caused him to fear damnation if the Church was replaced by some other higher power.

Traditionalism is ALWAYS more complicated than you might think, because there are endless factors contributing to it – and any type might support it for any one of a thousand different reasons (Ns – foreseeing how changing this could have severe futuristic repercussions; Ss – seeing the immediate impact and aftermath) which may or may not have to do with “because this is the way it’s always been done.” The plain fact is this – most people do things the way they have always done them, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with Si. Our patterns of behavior as human beings are incredibly predictable. History repeats itself constantly, on a several hundred year cycle. Humans make a bunch of dumb choices and/or advance briefly, then fall back into common sense, then get lazy about development, then go way overboard to compensate, then shock themselves with the violence that created, and fall back into an earlier cycle. That’s just how it works. You can’t rush it, and it doesn’t happen any slower because a bunch of “traditionalists” are just holding it back.

I’ve had the privilege of growing up in a home with an ISTJ parent. She holds zero of the same views she held a decade ago. Her Ne is far from dormant, it just doesn’t run her life. She is no way traditional or “behind the times.” Te has no time for crap that doesn’t work, so if something isn’t achieving the results she wants, she has no trouble pitching it off a cliff and moving forward. STJs are like that. SFJs develop with social advancements and beliefs, their Fe being in tune with the outside world and its moral welfare, so they tend not to get especially “stuck” if they are healthy either.

- ENFP Mod

Do ESxPs ABSOLUTELY have to avoid the future and planning for it? How far would they be willing to go when it comes to thinking about it? Is it just not a thing that comes up? Do they stress about it?

Hi anon,

They do not need to avoid thinking about the future.

As with all traits, people are, by and large, average, regardless of MBTI. Typology requires accentuating what are ultimately relatively minor differences which when done incompetently leads to things like “ONLY intuitives think about the future” or “Si doms are ALWAYS stuck in the past” because it’s both less catchy and much harder to type off of truths like “all people think about the future to an extent and intuition is better understood as a preference for thinking in abstractions, which can be mistaken for the future in that it is clearly not the present or past” or “Si doms see the world through a lens built on their subjective and concrete interpretation of past similar experiences.”

This is further compounded by the fact that a lot of those descriptions are written not only incompetently, but by people who either are intuitives, or really really think they are intuitives, and so descriptions of sensing functions are primarily about what they are not (eg, not about the future) instead of what they are.

So: Se doms can and do think about the future and can get stressed out about it because it’s virtually impossible to live with literally no thought to the future. They do tend to be people who lean towards a “go-with-the-flow” attitude and who are skilled at living in and enjoying the present moment, and who are good at improvising and making do with a current situation, even when unexpected.

As for whether they plan - yes, but in my experience they tend to prefer relatively short term (which is subjective. I can’t say how far they would be willing to go because that’s relative and also these are people and not computers) and concrete plans. So even the stereotypical “where do you see yourself in 5 years” kind of plan could be on the table; it’s more that they’re more likely to become flexible with that plan or willingly abandon it in favor of a better opportunity over the course of those 5 years than say, an Ni or Si dom.

I am ISFP and I think I am struggling with Se development. I want romantic love very much but because I am demiromantic I find it doubly hard to find romantic love/attraction since it is difficult for me to feel close to others. If I'm going to actively seek out attraction, I'm not sure how that would work, especially if I want to seek love outside my country. Do you have any advice on how I can take the first step? I have been contemplating international dating apps but it has rarely worked.

It works very simply through playing the odds. The more people you meet, the more chances you have of meeting someone special. Accept the fact that it’s a game of numbers and you just move on to the next opportunity instead of getting stuck every time it doesn’t work out. Online dating apps, local or international, are advantageous because they preserve emotional distance between people, which makes it easier to move on to the next opportunity without lingering hard feelings. Apps are also advantageous because they allow you to screen for the qualities or characteristics that will appeal more to you. It sounds like you’re not making the best use of the tools already at your disposal. 

Being adventurous means taking advantage of opportunities as well as going to where the opportunities are. Se should have no problem with adventure, in fact, Se should enjoy the excitement of it. If you can’t find excitement in adventure, then, chances are, you are either mistyped or you have some underlying psychological issue that you’re not addressing. You say that you have difficulty getting close to others, but you can’t say why, other than to slap a label on it. Sometimes, putting a label on something helps to clarify what it is. But, sometimes, people use labels to obscure a problem, to block closer examination of what’s really going on in the unconscious mind. Perhaps you need to look more closely into what’s blocking you from getting close to people. Opening up would certainly help in the relationship department.