I love you, random citizen

me: *sees Harrison Ford trending on twitter*

me:

OMG everyone I know the ACTUAL story behind the gif this time! Yes, it’s in Australia– that’s a big angry goanna that wandered into a popular restaurant. All the Australians in the vicinity went OH FUCK NO and cleared off, because goannas are mean. The waitress you see there is a French exchange student, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “I thought it was a weird ugly dog” and had no idea it was a reptile that wanted to rip her arms off. She’s been hailed as a hero who saved diners.

It’s amazing what power “not knowing” has.

The thing I especially love about this is this is a pretty dangerous animal, except she managed to defeat it by just fucking grabbing it by the tail and walking too quickly for it to turn around. Once again the animal kingdom is thwarted because we evolved opposable thumbs, long limbs, and reckless bravery.

weird, ugly dog thwarted by foreign exchange student and polished floors 

my take-home lesson here is that nobody in france has ever first-hand seen a dog

Its like the 80’s all over again, a remorseless madwoman runs the UK, a maniacal bastard runs the US, the world’s on the brink of nuclear war and all I want to do is listen to synthpop

star wars, ghostbusters, and mad max all pass the bechdel test now tho

that helps with the deja vu but tragically not the crushing fear of nuclear apocalypse

try the synthpop again

Adrian Shine, the leader of the Loch Ness Project, looks exactly like how I imagined the leader of the Loch Ness Project looks like - via http://ift.tt/23z6vND

What a masterpiece of a photo.

He looks like he knows everything

Jackie Chan is an international treasure and should be protected even though he can solidly protect himself

why is my pencil talking

why is your cat full of star wars sound effects

Boss shit

Literal actual goals

that was intensely satisfying

WELL DONE!!!

I watched the first few seconds, said “is this motherfucker actually,” AND THEN THE MOTHERFUCKER ACTUALLY

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A HERO fggfpijgoggfn

the mother called her babies just for me ;;;

Blessed.

the most blessed, pure thing…

This is….my chest…….wow

THESE ARE REAL ADS ON THE SUBWAY I SAW ONE BUT GO CALL THE NUMBER AND PRESS ALL THE MENU OPTIONS OH MY GOD

Terry Crews is a gift to this world

please please please teach your children to cook while they still live under your roof. even the most elementary things can’t be overlooked. because i just had to show my 24 year old boyfriend how to use a potato peeler and now i need to lay down for an hour

i hate this post because it just proves that like.. no simple statement can just be absorbed and the general population of tumblr go ‘yeah that sounds about right.’ i’ve had nazis say it’s a woman’s job to cook, terfs say that it’s only ‘males’ who don’t know how to cook, people have accused me of being classist because some people don’t own potatio peelers, called a bitch for airing out my boyfriend’s dirty laundry (which if the most embarrassing thing i can procure about the guy is that he’s not great in the kitchen i’d say he’s okay lmao)

just shut up and teach your fucking children to cook holy shit dude

#I bet Dean went and like fucking punched Death Eaters#and they’re so used to expecting wands that they were stunned to be punched#BECAUSE WHO IN THE WIZARDLY WORLD DOES ANYTHING BY HAND ANYMORE#So this kid just comes running at them and POW and they’re just like ‘HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS????’#dean thomas is a gift x

the highlighted area is where Jason Derulo knows what the girls want. london to taiwan.

new york to haiti

greenland is right out

ummm no offense but new york to haiti should be measured as the area between the two latitudes, not the longitudes. this graph is incorrect and vastly underestimates the total region of the earth in which Jason Derulo knows what the girls want

Even measuring that way, Greenland remains right out, as does the entirity of Brazil.

Have we considered measuring by neither latitude nor longitude but in all area that would extend perpendicular from the diagonal of the two places? There are many different interpretations of the data, and until more is available, we ought not conclude anything at this point.

In light of that, I posit this alternative map of regions where Jason Derulo is potentially claiming where he knows what girls want:

As we can see, if we assume that model, the vast majority of the area where Jason Derulo knows what girls want is either open ocean (the Atlantic, the Mediterranean Sea) or sparsely populated (the northern Sahara, the northern Arabian Desert, various desert portions of Iran and Afghanistan, and the southern Tibetan Plateau). Four of the ten most populated countries on the planet have no territory in it (Nigeria, Brazil, Japan, and Indonesia), and two which do have relatively little territory in it (the US and Russia). It is suggested that for all his boasting, Jason Derulo does not know what a probable majority of the world’s girls want.

Perhaps Jason Derulo’s intention was never to proclaim to be omnipotent to the interests of the female gender. Perhaps he was instead expressing his humanity, or the limits of his knowledge. I applaud Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo is not just another 2 dimensional character. Jason Derulo has depth.Jason Derulo has limitations and has come to terms with them. Jason Derulo knows Jason Derulo. Thats why he makes it a point to say his name so much.

But again, Greenland is right out

When your racism conflicts with your misogyny.

a) perfect example of people discrediting clever idea & intelligence of a female due to her appearance, and b) all these people wouldn’t have noticed her kit, which was her goal in the first place

Lol “she also wears sexy clothing to distract people from the bulky shoes” She’s a genius, really

^^^^^

“I will distract men with my boobs.”

Men: are distracted by her boobs.

me and the girls out on the town

wtf is going on

Me and the girls being out on the town

I love how potato in French is pomme de terre, which pretty much means “earth apple.”

like what stupid frenchman saw this:

and said “zis petite légume looks like a, how you say, APPLE! hmmm… but it grows in ze earth… HON HON HON! MAIS OUI! C’EST UNE POMME DE TERRE!”

j’adore comment ananas se dit pineapple en anglais, ce qui veut littéralement dire “pomme de pin”, genre quel type anglais a vu ça:

et s’est dit : “ow cette étrange big fruit ressemble à une, how do you say, POMME! hmmm… mais plutôt une pomme qui pousse dans les pins… HU HU HU! OH YES, IT’S A PINEAPPLE!” (z’avez vu, on peut le faire aussi… hon hon hon!)

I can’t even read French and I’m laughing my ass off

This is good