Cause I can't write it anywhere else without it ringing bells here ya go

TW!!!!

TW : SW. suicidal thoughts, like big time. Careful.

She doesn't want to be here. Doesn't want to have to keep pretending. Every moment passed with other people just exhausts her bit by bit. It hadn't always been that way.

A couple of weeks ago, she had basked in the thought of being with friends, people she felt herself with. But like the flip of a coin, it felt like she was putting a mask on. Or maybe the mask she'd always worn slowly slipped down back onto her face. Inch by inch. Day by day.

Until one day, she wondered what the fuck she was even doing here in the first place.

It was exhausting. Being here. Talking to people. Putting on a yes-I'm-good face. Pretending. It wasn't like she knew she was doing it. Not until for a second she was in her own headspace and thought "huh, what am I doing here". It was innocent, really. And not uncommon. But that one time, it just kind of stuck.

She knew what it meant. Things were about to get bad again. But she'd been in a very fighting mood, so she'd thought of things she could do to counter this incoming dark wave.

Until one day she just stopped.

Now it's just.. a waiting game.

Scratches here and there. Darker thoughts on nights she'd had a bit too much to drink. Kind of like tonight.

But would she even dare to go beyond that ?

It had always been a balance. She'd let herself get to that point, knowingly or not, and then she'd slowly back down. Because people realized, or something happened that made her stop and think. Something like that. But what if this time wasn't like that ?

What if this was it.

Perhaps not tonight.

Or tomorrow.

What if the thought of not making it passed this year was enough to seal it in ? unlike before.

Time would tell.