Who's gonna tell Hunter Hayes that lately he's been looking the best he's ever looked? He needs to know.

Just a random fact for today that Hunter said in a Hear Me Out that they filmed a video for a song that's been out there for "a long time" and that there's no rules that says they can't film a video for a song from say idk 2011

Never. Let. This. Go.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to anyone celebrating anything this week

Hey Brie

Happy Birthday, you're still on my mind and in my prayers constantly. No idea if you even still use this site (or if anyone does tbh.) but I thought I'd send this out into the universe for you anyway.

I hope your life is on the track you want it to be. I hope youre helping people the way you want to. And I hope you are comfortable with existing.

-Emily

Also hello there. If you're seeing this- I hope you're well.

Idk if you caught the Hear Me Out the other day but I'd just like to pop back round to say how hilariously annoying it is to campaign for #Huntward so tirelessly for YEARS only to find out that it very much already happened. When Ed played drums with the beer bottles and smashed his hands to pieces; Hunt was there. They had a full conversation. They talked music. And my job was literally done within days of startin to beg the universe to put them together.

So there's that.

Me Cruel.

“What are you doing?” nothing. “Why are you doing that?” nothing. “What are you doing?” nothing. “Whats wrong?” nothing. “Whats wrong now?” nothing. Everything. Nothing. Nothing. No reason. Nothing. Everything. Nothing.

I’m tired of getting caught. I’m tired of cruel. So I’m leaving you....

“I don’t understand. Help me understand please. I want to help you.”

Please stop. I’m weak. But I’m independent. I have this problem. I have these damages. I’m a mess. But I’m not sharing them with you. Stop asking me to. Do you understand how cruel that is?

“I’m not trying to be cruel! I’m trying to help you get be-”

Not you cruel. Me cruel. Its cruel for me to share this with you. Its cruel for me to do what you’re asking me to do.

“I don’t understand.”

I know you don’t. I know you don’t. And you’re not supposed to. Because the second you do? I’ve been cruel to you.

“You’re hurting and I’m supposed to help you.”

You cant. That’s the very heart of the matter. You. Cant. I can’t be helped. If I could? I would have fixed me a long time ago. You see? I’m too grown for this to be anyone’s thing to fix but mine. I can’t fix me. And I’m not going to sit here and expect you to fix it either. You can’t save me.

“Yes I can.”

And that’s why I’m leaving. Because you think you can. And I’m your project. And it wasn’t me. This whole time. It was a project.

“That’s not true.”

Either you can handle the fact that I sit up all night staring at the wall. That I sit here choking on nothing and clutching for the sore spot in my heart that I cant ever find. That I spend days forcing myself to be what you deserve only to spend weeks with my eyes shut trying to recover. Either you can handle that or you can’t. And a real person who wants a real life? They can’t handle that. If you do? You don’t want a life. You want a project. And I’m not your project.

“If I let you be depressed, I’m not a person. But if I want to help you? I’ve got some kind of Savior complex?”

Thems the breaks sweetheart.

“I can’t win with you.”

I can’t win with me either.

“What do we need to do about it?”

Nothing. We. Nothing. I’m not dragging you into this. I love you so much. You are the only important thing to me. I’m not going to ruin you with this.

“I don’t think you understand what love is.”

I couldn’t tell you. Maybe I don’t. Maybe. I just know that the thought of you feeling even a fraction of what this feels like? It makes it worse. It makes that hole in my heart feel like its coated in salt and like I haven’t taken a single breath in days. Just thinking about it. Just thinking about you being this kind of hollow. And maybe its not love. But whatever it is makes me think its better to pull my heart out of my chest and stomp on it myself than risk tearing a little hole in yours to patch mine.

“You’ll break my heart if you leave me.”

You’ll heal from that.

“You can’t know that.”

A heart broken because of a person isn’t pretty but its fixable. Just find a new person.

“I don’t want a new person.”

I don’t either.

“I don’t understand.”

I’m glad.

Dissolving Into The Wall and Euphoria.

It was strange to see an old school arcade console directly next to the front door of the venue. I’d been staring at it for hours, too afraid to leave my spot and lose it. But man, I was bored. I snapped a picture of it. I texted it to his dumb fan number, knowing he’d never see it.

I bet you an M&G that you can’t beat my high score. I sent. I laughed to myself. Because I was alone. And had been. For hours. And would be. For hours. My best friend was working late and I was holding the line to be the first to get into one of Hunter’s first post-pandemic-shows. It was small and limited and definitely not the arena tour he deserved but it was the best that could be done and I was glad to be able to go. But I was less than thrilled about waiting alone. Come entertain me. I’m so freakin bored out here. I mean it, Easton.

I didn’t mean it at all. There was a freedom in knowing he ignored my messages on every platform. I grinned at myself. “At least I think I’m funny.” I said to the air. One of the strangers nearby scrunched her face at me but didn’t say anything. I didn’t either. I wasn’t feeling particularly social. Just bored. I shot a text to my friend. You owe me a cake for this. A full sheet cake. People are staring at me. Hunter won’t answer me. I’m BORED. No response. “Because she’s doing her job like a responsible adult.” I mutter. 

“Who is?” I heard a little tinkling sound. The metal hanging off the chain around his neck had hit against its clasp. My eyes flashed in shock but I managed to get myself under control at a respectable speed.

“Layla.” I smiled. “So I’m here. Waiting alone. Until she gets off work.”

“Oh, so she is coming?” Hunter smiled as he folded his arms. “I was wondering why I hadn’t seen her yet.” 

I suppressed the squeal of delight. “Yeah. She’ll be here in time. And probably won’t leave till she gets a hug afterward.” I shrug. “You know how she is.” 

He chuckled. “Yeah. She is a hugger, isn’t she?” He turned his head. “So what’s your high score?” I frowned in confusion. He laughed again and unfolded one arm to stick a thumb in the direction of the arcade game. “I believe we have a bet.” 

“Oh, right. That.” I bowed my head sheepishly. “I actually haven’t played it yet. I was afraid to leave the line.”

He licked his lips to hide the smile. “What a shame. I was gonna utterly crush you.” He looked behind me at the three or four people who were in line, unaware that he’d come outside. “I think you’ll be alright. How about it?” He raised an eyebrow and turned his body toward the game, not really giving me much of a choice about following him. I did. Gladly.

“I did used to be real good at this, mate.” I said. “I haven’t played in like a decade though, so this could go either way.” I tested the joystick on the left side as he slid in the coins, making a mental note to thank him later for paying for it. It was a dumb thing, only being a dollar’s worth of quarters, but still. Noted.

The game started. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing, randomly slapping at the button and shaking the joystick in no apparent pattern. Neither of us could contain our giggles. I beat him easily. “I would have won if it was a racing game.” He insisted.

“Oh, I have no doubt.” I nodded. “But I really had to win this one. I haven’t had meet and greet tickets to see you in, like, forever.” I joked.

He laughed. “Right.” He folded his arms again. “Wait. What if I had won?” He narrowed his eyes at me playfully. 

I held my smile back. Barely. “Oh. Then you would have had the very first, and only, meet and greet with me: A full hour of me trash talking and pretending to be way cooler than I am and subtly trying to hit on you.” 

He nodded his head. “Ah. Right. Such a shame I lost then.” He pressed his lips together. I couldn’t hold back the laughter. He chuckled with me. “Alright. Well, you won. So, I’ll get Val to come get you- and Layla, I assume?” He inclined his head with the question. I nodded. Because duh. “After the show. Now. I should get back inside before too many people notice me. I have stuff to get finished before the show and the longer I stay, the more people I’ll have to talk to.” He widened his eyes at me, making it obvious that he was only kidding.

“Oh yeah.” I said dryly, poking at his tattoo. “As if you’re not the most easily recognizable person in the world.”

“You’d be surprised.” He winked. “Being this short means I can fly under the radar.” I laughed as he waved politely at the people behind us and went back through the doors. 

“What was that?” “Who is that?” “Are they friends?” “She must be part of the team, no way he just came out here for her.” The whispers overlapped. I glanced behind me. The line had gotten much bigger and small clusters of girls in clothes that were too tight to be comfortable were covering their mouths with their hands as they looked in my direction. I blinked. Then smiled to myself in rude satisfaction. Girls who are rotten enough to talk about me behind my back, were also jealous that I’d gotten the attention they’d wanted. I pulled my phone out and started to write a text to Layla. 

I felt a hand tap my shoulder. I braced myself for whatever catty thing was about to be said to me. I raised my eyes and squealed, launching myself into a hug. “I got off early.” My best friend said. 

“You missed it.” I pulled back, grinning. “Hunt came out. I won us meet and greets.” 

She gaped at me. “No! How?”
 I pointed at the game. “Don't ever say my 80s phase was worthless.” I stuck my tongue out. “Val’s supposed to come get us after the show.” I waited while she processed. “And dude.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Dude. He asked about you.”

“What?” Her eyes suddenly took up her entire face. I nodded, grinning. “Nuh uh.” 

“He loveesssss you.” I singsonged. She smacked my arm and rolled her eyes. But she couldn’t hide her smile either.

-

The venue was impressively tiny. Smaller than any show I’ve ever seen Hunter play. It was a room suited for a solo acoustic set. But when we were finally seated, the stage held a full bands worth of instruments. It was as wonderful as it was supposed to be. It felt great to finally hear live music in person again. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it. Everyone complained for a year about how bad they missed it, but nothing compared to the feeling of actually hearing Hunter get carried away with a guitar solo. Nothing beats the look on his face when he does. He looked like he had been missing it even more than we had. The atmosphere in the room got lighter and more heavy all at the same time. It was like a religious experience; everyone feeling the same sense of relief and joy and enjoyment. He introduced the newest single and I could feel tears forming in my eyes at the pride in his expression. By the time he’d gotten to the first chorus, the entire room disappeared. Hunter didn’t even exist as a person, but rather just a vessel of bliss. I almost didn’t notice when Layla grabbed my hand and lifted it into the air as we twisted and turned in time to the sounds. All of us, lost in the moment. The last note rang out. A sustained sound that didn’t seem to end, even after the stage was cleared and people began filing out of the room.

Val popped her head out of a door beside the stage and caught my eye. She didn’t say anything but just motioned for us to stay put before she disappeared again. The room emptied of fans, leaving me, Layla, and a couple stage crew winding up cables and tearing up tape. I hadn’t noticed how hot the room had gotten until I saw condensation dripping from the ceiling. I was suddenly exhausted. I found a window and sat under it, watching the mist in the air swirl in the light, listening to the sustained note that was still in my head. 

Layla wandered around the room, looking at a poster for the next few concerts. The door opened again, but I only saw it in my peripherals; too fascinated with the twirling mist. “So what’d you think?” He said. He’d changed clothes but was still wiping sweat off his forehead as it dripped from his hair. Layla answered for the both of us. I didn’t register what words she’d used but from the way it sounded, I’m sure it was right. Hunter wheezed his realest laugh. “Thanks. I really, really missed that.” He breathed. I blinked myself out of my mist-filled reverie. His eyes were shining from across the room. Directed at my best friend. I watched in awe.

He hauled hisself up onto the edge of the stage, bracing his weight on his hands as he dangled his legs and looked at Layla. She turned so she was facing him, her very short ponytail flopping behind her. He nodded to the empty space beside him, silently offering her a seat. She smiled. He reached for her hand and helped her up as he spoke, “So how’s your family? I haven’t had a chance to ask about them lately.”

“They’re good.” Layla said. “My sister says she liked One That Got Away but she never learned the lyrics, so I don't know how seriously I take her.”

Hunter chuckled. “Well, in her defense, I only kind of know the lyrics.”

“You did well tonight, then.” Layla laughed. “Didn’t miss a single word!”

His eyes sparkled. “Yeah well, it got a little sketchy there in the middle but I looked up and you were mouthing the words. So I had it.”

Layla guffawed. “Don’t rely on me! That’s too much pressure, Hunter!”

He wheezed his laugh again. I studied the two of them, content in fading into the wall, unnoticed. This was my favorite thing about being around people: the opportunity to analyze without being intrusive.

His breathing had finally slowed down to a normal pace. Hers hadn’t. I worried for a moment that something was wrong but when she raised her head, I saw it wasn’t that at all. Second-hand nerves ran through my chest. He opened his mouth, asking her another question. I didn’t notice what it was. His voice had gotten quieter. If I wanted to pay closer attention, I could have heard him. But I didn’t. She answered in an equally small voice. I listened to the note that wasn’t still ringing in the air. He shifted and his necklace clinked again. She mirrored his actions. Her necklaces made a louder noise, adding a staccato rhythm to the silent note. My eyes focused on how they were both kicking their feet slightly. He leant forward just enough that his legs had spread wider to support him. She sat upright with her ankles crossed. His bent posture meant that he had to turn his head to the right and slightly up to look at her. He smirked as he talked. She threw her head back as she laughed before straightening and firing back something snarky. He dropped his head in amusement, nodding a concession to something she’d pointed out. The mist hadn’t fully settled out of the beam of light, a purple and yellow haze racking focus on my best friend and her favorite person. It swirled and sparkled in time to the sound of necklaces hitting themselves and craggy laughter and hushed questions about life and the note that had disappeared to everyone but me.

Blinking brought my eyes back to earth and I saw the two people dangling their feet off the stage staring at me. “Huh?” I raised both eyebrows and sat forward.

“I said,” Hunter frowned, “Are you alright?” 

“Yep.” I blushed. “Just. Like. Look.” I pointed at nothing. “The room got so hot that there’s person-based rain everywhere.” He stared at me blankly. Layla tilted her head to the side. I licked my lips. “Its. …. sweat….. Theres sweat in the air…. It’s…. Making pretty….. colors.” My voice died. I rolled my eyes. “Ignore me. I’m overwhelmed.” I waved my hand at them, hoping they’d go back to whatever it was they were talking about. 

Layla giggled. “Poor girl. I think you broke her.” She turned back to Hunter.

“Sorry.” Hunter laughed. “I didn’t mean to!” He pushed himself off the edge of the stage and held out his hand for Layla to do the same. She giggled and dropped the few feet to the floor, landing close to him. “I better get going.” He said. “I should really shower.” He flicked his eyes at me. “Now that I’ve learned there’s other people’s sweat everywhere.” I smirked and shrugged a silent apology. He turned back. “Tell your sister to learn the lyrics.” He said. 

“I can tell her all day, but she’s not gonna do it.” Layla squished her face up. “She’s even more stubborn than I am.”

“Oh no. What a monster she must be.” Hunter joked. He hadn’t let go of her hand so he tugged it, pulling her into a hug. She buried her face in his shoulder. His arms wrapped around her back, his fingertips reaching all the way to her sides. The purple/yellow/silver mist hung around in front of their silhouettes. The note finally fell away from my perception.

He kissed her cheek as he pulled away, sliding his fingers down her arm to hold onto her hand again. Or he had meant to. But his lips missed and caught the corner of her mouth. I felt a jolt go through me as I silently willed my best friend to pretend it didn’t happen. I watched the mist fall around them as I sent out a desperate message to her. Be cool, mate. Be cool. Don't embarrass him. We’ll scream about it later. But don't make a thing out of it now.

To my relief, she didn’t. She didn’t even blush. I wanted to chalk it up to my telepathic screaming. But I couldn’t. The way she looked at him, I knew she was only treating his mistake like he had meant for it. She knew he had only wanted to place a platonic kiss to her cheek and she was going to continue to treat it like that’s all it was, in order to save their friendship. And that’s what it was. 

Somewhere between the note ending and the mist falling, the realization struck me that they hadn’t been a fan and a musician in a long time. They were friends. And in that moment, I knew that’s how it was always meant to be. That in some other world, where he wasn’t a musician and she wasn’t a fan, they’d still be drawn together because that’s how fate works. And that’s what this was. Fate.

I couldn’t hold back the grin. It didn’t matter anyway because they seemed to forget I was even in the room. I watched as he paused, blinking at her while she looked at him as if nothing had happened. As if the same realization that I’d just stumbled onto hadn’t occurred to her. As if it hadn’t to him.

“Wait.” I heard him breathe out. Her brows furrowed so slightly that only her friends would have noticed. “I…” He sighed. She waited. He pulled her hand once more, lifting his other to her chin. He kissed her gently. Her free hand came up to hold onto his forearm. He held her in place. I leaned back against the wall again. I closed my eyes, as much to give them privacy as to watch the swirling purple/yellow/silver haze in my mind and listen to the note ring out again.

a/n hi. I wrote this months ago. Only just got the courage to post it. I havent written anything since I left. (and lets not pretend that I was writing consistently while i was still here) so theres a hefty chance this is awful. But I wanted to write and i wanted to post it and so thats what happened. I hope y’all are doing well. I’m getting better at letting other people exist without me barging in on their lives so I thought it would be fine if I tried popping up here again. especially cause last I checked, this wasn’t THE place to be anymore so the numbers are small enough that I feel fairly secure. I’m not gonna be consistent. I know myself well enough to know that. But I do like the idea of having an outlet again. So if I decide to write again- I’ll try to decide to post it again. thats it. kaythanksmate...

SQUISHY FACE vs I WANNA SQUISH YER FACE

ya get me

Me in the morning, telling my reflection “You’re amazing” because no one else is gonna do it. 

Itsa me, Mario!

Moon beams and star dust falling on your soul

You’re extraordinary.

You have flaws, we all do, but you were handcrafted by God Almighty, made with all the love in the universe. He set you upon this earth for you to bring souls to Him by showing the world your light. You’re so positive about other people, and their lives. You shine so brightly and say it’ll be okay. This positivity is not easily achieved as most people would let their negativity leak into everyone’s lives around them. But you fight it for everyone to make them see something good, and such bravery cannot be overlooked, and I refuse to. You have a wonderful laugh, it makes me happy to hear it. Your joy echos in your laughter and it is contagious. It’s a wondrous sound and fills me with hope. You have a dazzling smile that shines like the sun. Your eyes are bright and brilliant blue that rivals the clearest sky in June. Your kindness is unforgettable. Your outfits are freaking cute. You share your happiness in your favorite things with everyone.

Webster's

I get by on technicality and legalism

Definitions, strictly speaking, don't apply

So I can claim okayness

Claim nothing at all

Because technically it's not defined that way

And so it doesn't count

And so I'm okay

I'm nothing at all