FINALLY!!! I was almost done with this one and it was deleted and I have been so busy that I haven’t gotten a chance to write so I’m doing it now!!

Thank you everyone for being so patient with me!!

Title: Separate Armies

Phil Lester woke up from his nap in the warm grass in the meadow standing slowly to stretch out his horselike legs. The centaur had decided the grass was a feasible place to nap nestled next to a creek with a waterfall, centered in between trees to hide him from passerby of kings men and villagers. Phil reached his arms up above his head and stretched the muscles in his shoulders as he strode towards the creek anticipating the warm water from the waterfall trickling through his fringe. The beast lifted a large hoof to set into the water before he heard an earth shattering scream come from behind the brush and the trees. Phil looked about, turning his black horselike body and trotting towards the brush quickly. Being a centaur Philip had duties, by orders of the king all centaurs were supposed to protect the people of the kingdom, since all of them were brawny and strong. This left Phil and other centaurs with a heavy burden on their shoulders at all times.

Phil pushed through the brush silently, if there was a person being attacked and hurt he wanted to surprise the predator. He peeked through the branches of the trees, and to his amazement saw one single man in warrior garb sitting on a fallen tree branch sobbing. Phil didn’t know if he should say anything, he didn’t feel he should ask him if he were alright. It wasn’t his place to ask questions, it was just his place to protect. At this moment, those were not Phil’s thoughts. This boy sitting in front of him was breathtakingly beautiful. His tanned skin and brown hair made him impeccably appealing to the eyes. Phil edged just a little closer to the trees to get a better view when the slivers of branches underfoot snapped beneath him. Phil froze, the boy quickly standing up from his perch, tears gone and battle ready, much to Phil’s amusement. The boy wasn’t aware that him standing up, gave Phil a much better angle to stare at the curves of his body, to notice the single dimple on the right side of his face, or the beautiful chocolate brown eyes that stared around the grassy space in bewilderment.

“Who’s there?” the boy shouted, “show yourself.”

Phil chuckled to himself, and shrugged silently pushing away the branches and revealing himself. “You rang?” the centaur asked, his voice was husky and sensual taking in the boy who was closer in view.

“A centaur? Hmmm…” The boy said in bemusement.

“One of many, kind sir. To whom do I owe the pleasure?” Phil smiled, bowing to the young man.

“I want your name first, centaur,” the younger male snapped, giving a command and not a suggestion.

“Hasty, hasty,” Phil tsked. “But for the record, I am Phil. Philip Lester, and while you may say it is incredibly incorrigible to shorten my name, I’d prefer to be called Phil if applicable. Philip just doesn’t work for me,” Phil scrunched his nose. He didn’t know where this attitude of his was coming from, but he was enjoying himself immensely.

The boy’s serious face went away as he let out a giggle, sitting back down on his tree stump seat. “I’ve shortened my name as well, although my father seems to think I’m silly for it. I’m Dan. Daniel Howell, more precisely, but please just call me Dan. The name Daniel repulses me,” Dan spat.

Dan? Phil liked the name. It suited the young man, and the last name Howell? Why did that sound so familiar? Phil thought about it for a second before realizing that was the last name of the king. Phil’s eyes shot up to look at the boy again, this must be him. This must be the boy that legends were written about, that the laws of the kingdom were made around. This boy was the one that had legacies and sorrows all mashed into one little spiraling ball of unsatisfaction and misery.

Phil remembered the story like it was yesterday, remembering the words that came from his father’s mouth as he explained why the rules were what they were.

Nineteen years ago, the one and only heir to the throne was born the the King and the queen. A young Daniel James Howell. The boy was beautiful, he bright almond eyes and his tuft of brown hair, making him one of the most beautiful babies anyone in the land had ever seen. The King and the queen were ecstatic. The King finally had his heir, and the queen finally had a son to call her own. They were so proud of him, he excelled in everything he did, but they started to notice how different he was from others boys in the kingdom. The boy never wanted to play with girls, and eventually the boys the Kings son had decidedly became friends with started becoming ‘boyfriends’ instead of “best friends”. The King became outraged telling his sixteen year old heir this wasn’t acceptable, telling the boy that he was going to have a wife to make Queen and any boy who tried to stand in the way would be executed.

That is when the rules came into place:

1.) Man and woman were to be the only ones to lie together or marry. 2.) Creatures of the same kind will be permitted to only be with creatures of the same kind. 3.) If any of these two rules are broken, execution is foreseeable.

Phil looked at Dan, feeling saddened. This poor man. Phil had felt these rules tear into his heart when they came into place. He was a very homosexual centaur, who couldn’t even be with another human for the simple fact he could turn human himself. Centaurs falling in love with humans would make they themselves humans as well. Of course this wouldn’t bode well with the King considering he’d lose all of his protection for the kingdom. Once his mother had an affair with a human man and became human. Phil knew that rule was based from her poor actions.

Phil couldn’t actually imagine how it was like to live in the same fortress as the man who came up with these rules. To have someone constantly look down on him and tell him he was disgusting, or that he wasn’t normal.

Dan looked up at Phil, glaring slightly, “don’t you dare look at me like that! Do not look at me with pity! Why is it everyone feels the need to look at me that way? Like I’m damaged goods? I am aware I am different, abnormal, whatever, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to look at me like I am broken!” Dan stood up quickly, throwing his fist into a nearby branch, barely flinching as his hand made contact with the bark.

“Well, I suppose if it helps, you’re not the only one suffering from that ‘abnormality,’” Phil shrugged, feeling weird those words actually came out of his mouth.

Dan seemed surprised, he had never met anyone who was the same sexual orientation as he. He took in the centaur fully for the first time, noticing his beautiful muscular features, his pale complexion and his bright ocean blue eyes. “so-so, you? You’re gay?” Dan felt odd.

“I am. Also, if you’re going to ask me whether I think you’re attractive I do. You’re viciously attractive and I’m so surprised I haven’t smashed your face into mine,” Phil smiled, edging closer to Dan.

Dan didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t deny now that that was exactly what he wanted Phil to do to him. Dan moved closer, not thinking twice as the centaur male knelt down, locking him into the most passionate kiss he had ever received.

At that moment two very forbidden rules were broken and neither man cared. Neither man thought about someone seeing them, neither thought about execution, neither thought about the soldier standing in the brush spying on them and turning away to report his findings to the King.

Dan and Phil had sat with each other until twilight, neither wanting to say goodbye, but knowing their time had to come to an end until morning. The boys said their goodbyes for the night, kissing each other passionately one more time, making promises to meet at the same place tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan made his way back to the castle that was far too depressing for him to be in any number of seconds. Just as he neared the drawbridge, he saw a familiar silhouette pacing near the entryway. The shape recognized the sound of hooves coming from Dan’s steed, and turned to look at his son.

As Dan got closer to his father, he prepped himself for the mentally abusive conversation that he knew would take place as soon as he was in speaking distance. The horse he rode slowed down as he neared the King and he sighed inwardly.

“Daniel! Where have you been?” The King shouted worriedly.

Dan jumped off his horse, grabbing her by the reins, “I was out if you’d like to know. What, you telling me I can’t have a life outside of these walls now?” Dan scoffed, walking towards the drawbridge lever.

“I know you were with a boy, Daniel. A centaur male, at that,” his dad spoke from behind him, his body tensing.

“Who told you?” He questioned forgetting about the drawbridge entirely.

“One of my men. Daniel, that is not of importance in this situation,” the older man said hastily. “You’re supposed to abide by the rules I’ve set for this kingdom, Daniel, he’ll be executed if you continue this nonsense,” his father whined like a puppy begging for table scraps.

Dan walked closer to the man, feeling his anger rising, “you think I care about your goddamned rules, you piece of shit? You talk about execution, but when have you ever executed anyone? Never. Not as long as these goddamned rules have been set. What is the matter with me being happy? Is that so terrible of you to fathom?! Let me make something clear and I will only say this once, I will be with Phil if I choose to be, which I choose to be, you try to execute him at any point in time, you may as well execute me as well. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not sitting around feeling like I am in the wrong for loving who I love. I am not in the wrong, father. You are. You’re in the wrong for not seeing that even me being with a male, I could run this kingdom extraordinarily. You’re so worried about me not having an heir? I’ll head down to the orphanage tomorrow and Phil and I will pick out a son to take my place if something happens to me. After today, you will not tell me how I am to live my life. Believe me when I say, you go after Phil, you come after me, and I won’t hesitate to have your head on a platter. That’s the biggest promise I can ever commit to you,” Dan turned away, leaving his father stunned as he left into the castle without one more single word. The King felt a pang in his heart, but proceeded to call the men who fought beneath him to prep them for Phil’s morning execution.

The King was never this hard of a man before his wife made him promise he would do whatever it be to make sure Dan had a wife before she died. The old man felt horrible, but he had promised his wife so many years ago when their beautiful son told them women weren’t in the back of his mind the same way men were. His wife was shocked, and that is when the rules came along. Of course the Queen made him promise he’d make it seem like the rules came from the tip of his tongue, but really they were hers. The King had a duty to keep his wife’s promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan had rushed to be with Phil the next morning, sword and war gear in hand in case a war ensued. The two men set on a warm blanket for hours, chatting in silent kisses and laughter. This was everything they had ever wanted and their hearts were flipping with serendipitous delight.

They weren’t together long before they heard the loud thump of horse hooves making their way to the edge of the creek. Dan hadn’t expected this, Dan hadn’t expected his father to actually follow through, but Dan didn’t have time to think about that betrayal. The horses footsteps neared closer and Dan and Phil were prepared to fight. Phil would fight for the freedom to be with the man he had grown to love, and Dan would fight to prove to his incoherent father that nothing would stand in the way of them. Anyone could consider this a war of the same reason, but they fought for separate armies deep inside their souls.

The Warriors neared Dan and Phil, one of them shooting an arrow into the distance to get their attention, but the two lovers had their eyes already on the war coming for them. Phil had his eyes on the men in the front, but Dan had his eyes on the man in velvet robes sitting on his brown Clydesdale smiling. Dan would not accept defeat, Dan would wipe that smirk off his face.

Phil brought down twenty men at one time, shedding blood on the grass, ruining his peaceful place, but Phil didn’t think, he just thought about proving his point. Dan slashed through men and horses, bringing them down, working his way to the King the warriors were trying to protect.

The King watched the bloodshed and his face started to fade from a smirk to complete disbelief. The two men were rushing through the army of his and killing every one of them swiftly. The King felt a sudden pang in his heart. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t the way things had to be. He stared at his son, who was out to kill him. The King finally had an epiphany. His son was right all this time. The rules his wife had him make were cruel. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to realize that. He had to stop this. He had to make things right, whether he had made a promise to his wife or not. She was gone, his son wasn’t. His son was right in front of him, looking at him resentfully and he didn’t want that. He couldn’t afford to lose his only child too, then he would be alone and he’d have nothing to show for his life, being wife less and childless.

“ENOUGH! STOP THIS WAR NOW!’ Everyone in the battle froze. “Put your weapons down! We don’t have to do this!’ The King turned to his son, tears filling his eyes, “Daniel, I know I’ve been a terrible parent, and I know I’ve made your life harder, but please son, forgive me. Be with your centaur, I mean that. THE RULES ARE IRRELEVANT AS OF TODAY! Be with who you please, all of you! Please,” he turned to Dan again, “I just want my little boy back.” The King jumped off his horse, and Dan shoved through the other warriors, hugging his father tightly.

The next sound that came across the field was the most unfathomable thing someone could possibly ever experience. Dan heard the spring of an arrow leaving the base of a bow, and the screams of the lover he had just barely gained as it landed into his chest. Dan turned to find the man with the bow, bringing his blade quickly into his white skin, allowing his head to make its descent onto the ground, its body shortly following.

Dan sprang through the opening the Warriors had given him, kneeling next to Phil and bringing a soft handkerchief down to Phil’s chest. The King barked orders to the men to have Phil transported to the castle’s hospital wing quickly.

Phil’s world just faded to black.

~~~~~~~~~~THREE DAYS LATER~~~~~~~~~~

Phil had woken up to a much different world, and a much different body. Phil’s horselike body had been replaced with a set of human legs, and human organs. He was also pleasantly pleased to wake up next to a comfortably clad Dan sleeping on his bedside. Phil moved slowly, feeling the pain in his chest as he sat up, but ignoring it to stare at Dan. Realizing how beautiful it was that he not alone found his soulmate, but also that he didn’t have to hide it anymore. He smiled, lying his head back onto his pillow, nestling his palm into Dan’s soft brown hair. Life would be different, and happier for the both of them.

-END-

Phew!! This took forever but I’m incredibly proud! Please let me know what you thought and thank you for reading.

Also big thanks to rumpelstiltskin-in-the-tardis for the prompt, I hope you’re happy with this!!

Please read!! I am so proud of this!

Bringing this back because someone asked for it.

We Don’t Have To Run - A Phanfic

        A/N: Hello! it has been awhile since i have written something, but i thought up a good idea for a new fic

Pairing: Phan

We Don’t Have To Run

“The year is 3030, the world beginning to recover from the massive blow of a zombie apocalypse that took the lives of many. There are very few survivors, but the ones that do still inhabit the earth have bound together to create a new Earth. ˇThe rules are different, if broken you will die. No one is safe, don’t try to fight, slaughter is inevitable.”

Dan read the words on the bulletin again for the hundredth time as he waited for his troops to gather around him. They were going out of the gate today to look for more rations and survivors. Zombies were scarce, but they were still out there, and so was the disease. Dan didn’t expect to find anyone else outside of the walls, but he felt pressured by the other co-inhabitants of the guarded walls to at least try again. Everyone kept telling Dan to have hope, but after losing every person who was dear to his heart, Dan had no hope left to spare. 

As the rest of his troops gathered around, he made sure to recount them all, all eight standing at attention ready for his orders. “Now,” Dan barked making contact with each of his men, “you know the rules, don’t fuck around, get as many rations as possible, kill as many undead as possible, and for god’s sake find as many survivors as possible.” Dan motioned for the men to follow him to edge of the gate, as it slowly opened, “and another thing, don’t get yourselves fucking killed. You’re bitten, you’re not coming back.”

Dan had always been a hard ass, and he had to be. Dan was only twenty-three, and in the span of two years had lost his husband, and a daughter they adopted, to this disease. He wasn’t sure why he decided to stick around this long. Being gay was basically out of the question now, all laws went back to the way they were years ago. The world and the economy just took a humongous step back, because now there really wasn’t an economy. The question was why they decided to go back to old rules, when everyone should have been able to do what they pleased. Things didn’t work that way, because there was still someone Dan worked under, whether he liked it or not, and the rules he would have had were not the same as the ones that there are.

——————————————————————————————-

The troops edged towards the entrance of the city, stepping on glass as they went, taking in the distressed scene of the city, guns at the ready. “Okay, we’ll split into one group of three, and the rest of the groups into two. You have an hour from the time you walk away from this spot to find your survivors, and your rations. NOW MOVE.” Dan ordered as two men joined his ranks, and the others split into groups of twos. Dan motioned the two men behind him to move towards the abandoned grocery store that stood in front of them. This wasn’t the first raid they’d been on, but they never had gotten to break in to this store. Last time they tried,they were bombarded by a hoard of zombies, lost two of their men, and had to make a run back to the gate. The only thing that was odd now was that there were no zombies here, which means someone had been outside of the walls, but who?

Dan took the end of his gun and smashed the window easily, glass covering the floor as he stepped over the windows ledge carefully. The three men stood in the glass by the window, guns up, ears ready for anything that could have been stirred to life by the sound of the window breaking. After a few moments of nothing, they started towards the aisles to rummage for anything they could find that wasn’t overly expired.

The disease began two years ago, shortly after Dan’s twenty-first birthday and wedding. Dan was just getting home from his video game editing job, when his husband ran out to him, screaming, yelling at him, as he dragged him in the house. Dan wasn’t sure what was happening until his husband drug him into their daughter’s pink bedroom to see her spasming on the floor, her mouth foaming. Dan thought she was having a seizure, but it was something much worse, their little girl was a carrier. Their little girl is what took the life of his husband, and what could have possibly started the apocalypse. Nobody knew that, nobody knew that his little girl was the one who first carried the disease, and Dan couldn’t tell anyone that for fear he’d be killed.  

Dan snapped out of his thoughts quickly as he walked to an aisle of canned goods, quickly checking the expiration dates and throwing the non-expired items into the duffle bag around his arm. He checked the progress of the other two men, watching as they shoved items into their bags as well, when he was distracted by a low scatter from behind him.

Dan didn’t hesitate to drop his bag, and whip around with his gun already positioned and ready to shoot. Dan was self taught, he had trained himself to become the best aim he possibly could in two years, because he knew he’d die if he hadn’t. The scattering sound happened again, and it sounded like it was coming from the cooler. Dan waved his hands to have the other men follow him, and they quickly made their way in his direction. 

The sound got louder as they reached the cooler door, Dan edging it open slowly, and peeking his head in to inside. There wasn’t any electricity so anything that was locked away in here would have survived with little to no problem. As he edged closer to the back of the cooler, something hard fell, making Dan turn his direction to the area where the beer sat. There he saw a man. A survivor.

——————————————————————————————–

Dan was in shock, this couldn’t be. There was no way in fucking hell that there was a survivor, but there he was, stark blue eyes staring straight into his soul as he sipped from a Coor’s can. He pushed his black hair as he took the three of us in. “Let me guess, you’re the militia searching for good and survivors? It’s about time you found me,” the man suggested before taking another swig of his beer.

Dan was still in shock as he took the man in, “are you the one who diminished all of the zombies that hoarded around here?”

The man nodded with a smirk on his face, “yep, about thirty of em’ by myself.”

Thirty? How in the world does one take out that many zombies by themselves? This man must have had some sort of training, some sort of way he had taken out that many undead without becoming one himself. Dan wanted to know his secrets, but he knew he had to convince the man to go back to the camp with him. “How long have you been here?” Dan asked, grabbing the other man’s attention.

“Three weeks, I walked here from the next town over after I heard there was a camp here, and other survivors. I didn’t believe it at first, but I had to see for myself. For awhile, I thought it was a joke,” the man shrugged.

“Were you not aware of the gate? Our camp? It’s hard to miss,” Dan suggested.

“I went to the gate a few times, yeah, but I never made the effort to get in. I was afraid you wouldn’t take me in, so here I am.” The man shrugged again, and Dan felt a pang in his heart as he remembered how his husband use to look when he shrugged.

“We’re told to accept anyone as long as they’re abiding by our laws,” Dan had to convince him to come with him. He was the first man to remind him of his husband by a simple gesture as shrugging.

“I don’t give a damn about rules as long as I have a comfortable place to sleep, and food in my stomach,” the man remarked as he stood up, dusting his jeans off.

Fair enough, Dan thought to himself. “Then come with us, my men should be back with the rest of our rations, and possibly more survivors,” Dan didn’t wait for anyone to follow, he knew they would. Dan walked out grabbing the duffle bag of his and scraping the remaining shelves as quickly as he could before crawling back through the window, and back to the safe spot his men were supposed to be. 

When they walked up to the other men, he noticed there was only three groups instead of four. Oh no, Dan thought, his mind running into overload as he processed the possibility of losing two of his men. Dan felt a pang in his heart as he saw the solemn looks on the faces of the other men, and Dan knew he needn’t ask, because this was a possibility in their world now, and it had been for awhile. Still, losing any number of his people was a huge loss, less men and women meant less chances or re-population, and that was a blow.

Dan neared the men, but he didn’t ask which men it was he had lost, he was a leader first, and a friend second, “How many?” he asked.

“Fifteen,” a young boy spoke from behind his elders. The boy had to have been about sixteen. but age wasn’t important during a war as long as you were smart and tactful.

“Did you manage to kill them all?” Dan questioned, addressing the boy so he would step up and speak to him, man on man.

“Yes, sir. We even managed to get enough rations for a few weeks,” the young boy nodded to his rucksack.

“Good,” Dan managed a hard nod, moving forward to walk ahead of the other males, “grab your findings, move out, head back to camp,” as he walked away from them. The pain in his heart lingering as he tried to think about something other than the loss of two men, again.

——————————————————————————————–

When the men made it back to the camp and left their rations at the cooking station, Dan immediately rushed to his home, where he proceeded to break down. Each time someone died, his memories were drawn to the first day his life changed for the worse. He thought of their beautiful raven haired, five year old little girl playing in the background on her swing set, smiling one day, and then the next day turning into a beast, with the only intent to spill blood. Dan remembered clearly what it had been like, the rush his body felt as he watched his little girl change into something she wasn’t.

He remembered what it was like to walk into the kitchen to grab a glass of water for her, to come back to her room to find that she’d bitten his husband. They made it a priority to rush to the hospital shortly after the episode, and how it was to see the doctors faces as they began freaking out, saying this was something they had never seen before. That was shortly before his husband began to seize as well, the change setting into him now, as Dan stood helplessly by. The doctors asked him the right questions, about how it started, and he explained everything from the time of his arrival home to the time he brought them to the hospital.

That was when a nurse was bitten. That was when the disease began. Nobody knew how to handle what was happening as the body’s of my loved ones died, and then sprang back to life again, suddenly. If it hadn’t happened to the whole town, nobody would have believed him. How do you believe someone when things like that happen? Those are the types of things you read in comic books, or see in movies, but it happened, and it was real. 

Dan stirred from his memories, when he heard a knock at the door. This was unusual, even after losing someone people didn’t bother Dan. He walked to the door, unlatching the locks, and opening it to the very familiar face of the man they had rescued at the supermarket. Dan tried to hide his smile as he spoke, “anything I can help you with?”

“I was told the rest of the homes were filled with occupant capacity, and to come here. I guess I’m your new roommate,” the man smiled a half smile.

Dan should have controlled himself, he should have ignored the butterflies in the pit of his stomach, and he should have felt disgusted. Right now he was anything but disgusted, he was thrilled. Finally, he had a roommate that he actually kind of wanted. Nothing can happen, Dan, said a small voice in his head, but he pushed it aside as he invited the other man in. Nobody in the camp knew Dan was gay, and he wanted to keep it that way.

——————————————————————————————–

The men decided to go their respectable rooms once Dan had given the man a tour, and learning his name was Phil. Phil was incredibly brilliant and smart from what Dan had gathered in their brief conversation with one another. Dan learned Phil was twenty-eight, and had lost his family to the disease as Dan had. As most people had.

Dan fell asleep for a few hours, and it was a good sleep, something he hadn’t had in awhile as he usually suffered from nightmares. Having Phil in the room next to him was also helpful, and gave him a sense of peace he hadn’t had in along time. Dan didn’t know what it was that drew him to the man moreso than he was a small reminder of his husband, but that wasn’t all. Something about Phil felt right in a sense. Dan didn’t want to think about it too much, but he knew that Phil was the type of guy that Dan would risk everything for. 

When the two men woke up, it was already midnight and Dan’s stomach was grumbling as he went to the cabinet of the kitchen to grab a small packet of chips. They managed to find enough generators to allow the homes inside of the gate to be powered with electricity, and the water managed itself. These houses were more like mansions then anything else, so every house inside of the gate had an electric heater. Still wasn’t an ideal living situation because they had to deal without propane and whatever else, but they managed as they always had. Dan was grateful for the little bit they did have to say the least.

Phil must have heard Dan rummaging through the kitchen because he came out of his bedroom a few minutes after Dan had come out of his own. “Hungry?” Phil asked, smirking.

“A bit. Maybe shouldn’t have skipped dinner, but I guess the the sleep was better at the time,” Dan laughed, and he felt himself ease up slightly. Something he hadn’t done in a long time, but he felt he could get used to.

Phil eased up a bit closer to Dan and grabbed a snack for himself, and smiled, “you know, I thought you were a tight ass, and that I’d hate rooming with someone of your stature, but your not that bad,” Phil said, a bit sarcastically.

“Trust me, I can still be a tight ass,” Dan laughed before walking to his room and shutting the door behind him.

——————————————————————————————–

*2 Months Later*

Dan and Phil made good roommates and Dan was happy with the arrangement. They managed to become good friends, but the question of how they lost their families never came up, and Dan was happy Phil never asked. Dan knew it was coming the day they got back from a raid, and from losing one more man, the young boy named Pj, that Phil finally asked. Dan figured Phil picked up on Dan’s distress and picked up the opportunity as it arose. 

Dan was sitting at the kitchen table, his heads in his hands, when Phil sat next to him. Dan looked up at him, not even bothering to hide his red swollen eyes, “it wasn’t your fault, Dan. He was only sixteen, it’s not that hard to let your guard down around here, especially in this situation. People die, Dan, we can’t blame ourselves.”

“I wish it were that easy to say that I could just not blame myself, but it isn’t easy for me to lose anyone. It makes me feel like I’ve failed everyone when the potential of our camp is lost, especially someone that young. I saw him being one of the strongest men around here,” Dan said, pushing his fringe from his face as he pushed his head back into his hands, and trembled.

“How did it happen?“ Phil asked suddenly, and Dan’s body stiffened.

“Pardon?” Dan asked, bringing his head up to look at Phil.

“You said you lost your family, as I had, how did it happen?” Phil edged closer to the table, his full interest on Dan.

Dan’s body was tense, no one had asked him what had happened to his family, and he had liked it that way. With Phil it had been different, Dan knew he could trust him, so there he bared his soul. He told Phil everything, how his daughter was the carrier, how she spread the disease, about the deadly bite she gave to his husband killing him too, and how scared he had been to admit that to anyone due to his fear of being blamed. There for the first time in so long, Dan laid his heart out on the table for Phil, and he didn’t know if he should have trusted him, or how he even did, but the weight from his shoulders lifted tremendously.

Phil seemed taken aback once Dan was done, but then he shook his head, looking at Dan somberly, “you can’t blame yourself for that, Dan. How were you to have known that your child was a carrier? No one in their right minds could have known that,” Phil pressed his hand to Dan’s shoulder reassuringly. 

“What about you?” Dan asked, curious to know what brought Phil here, and how he had survived this long.

“Well, I lived a semi-happy life. I was in the military and I had a wife, and a dog. There was no mention of children, because their was no sexual interaction, and we liked it that way. Our marriage was forced upon us because both of our families were rich, and she was a sought out heiress, and I was a sought out heir, so it worked,” Phil said, taking a sip of the tea he had set next to him.

“Did you love her?” Dan asked, wanting to hold every word Phil said in his hands.

“No, not in the way you do when you’re in love with someone else, because she wasn’t really my type. I fancy men, such as yourself and she was aware of that, so that also worked,” Phil leaned closer to Dan, making his breath hitch. “Look,” Phil began, “I know this isn’t legal here, and I know you want it to be, as much as I do, because I see the way you look at me, and trust me, my feelings are mutual. For us to work, we need a plan, we either get out of here and find a better utopia, or we diminish the the town’s leaders as soon as possible so we can be free again.”

This statement struck a nerve inside of Dan, and it was the best kind, because Phil had said everything Dan had ever felt while living here. Phil was right, Dan did love him, and he wanted to go back to a happier life. Not to mention, who was to say that there wasn’t a safer place out there for them? This was the middle of London, they could travel further, maybe into Manchester to see if there was more hope or life there.

“We could run, that is always an option, but they’ll come after us. They will try to make sure that we aren’t able to get to anywhere else, I promise you, Phil, this may not be a fight you want to fight,” Dan suggested.

“Any fight to be with you is a fight worth fighting,” Phil said, bringing his hand over to Dan’s.

——————————————————————————————–

That night, Dan and Phil talked, coming up with a better plan. The next time they went out on a raid, they would make it look as if they’d both been bitten. It was the only way that they knew they would be able to walk away from this without being killed. They packed their bags that night, and blacked out the windows for privacy. That was the first night Dan had felt at peace as Phil crawled into his bed and stole silent kisses. It was the first time in so long Dan had made love to anyone, but even in a zombie apocalypse, the two of them did, and it set a fire within Dan he hadn’t thought remained. 

The next morning, the two of them cleaned up and packed the necessary items they’d also need inside of their packs for their zombie bites. The two didn’t pack as much as they had, to make things look less suspicious. They were out the door at eight in the morning, each saying a silent goodbye to the home they would never set foot in again.

Everything went smoothly, the two of them waiting for the other group of men to get to the gate entrance, standing as far a part as possible. The best thing to do was to not raise suspicion, and since Dan and Phil usually teamed up for raids, they knew they’d get away with this easily. One would come back with a bite and the other wouldn’t come back at all.

When the eight men made it to the sight they were going, Dan and Phil ran to the trees, making sure they’d easily be hidden. They had an hour, and to get the makeup right, that wasn’t long. Dan was the one who wouldn’t be coming back, so he administered the makeup and they spoke more about the way Phil would proceed with things to make it believable. Phil was actually going to do well, and Dan had every bit of faith that this was going to work. They’re voices quieted as they heard the footsteps of the other men coming along the trees, back to the safe point, it was show time. Phil kissed Dan, before he stood up and stumbled out of the trees, looking beaten and battered, Dan chuckling behind him. 

Phil stumbled out of the trees falling to the ground as he clenched his arm, and screamed, as ‘blood’ poured from it. “T-they got him, I couldn’t fight them off, and Dan, he bit me,” Phil’s lips trembled.

One of the men had a gun up to Phil’s head, Dan knew he was obeying orders, because you either kill or be killed, but Dan’s gun was already sighted on the man with the gun, shooting him in the head. He took out all six, but Dan knew he might have had to. Dan knew it was an incredibly hypocritical notion, but his life and his lover’s had been on the line and he couldn’t risk it. This would look like a raid, where no one came home. From there, the men ran and they ran, for three days they were on their feet.

——————————————————————————————–

For three entire days, Dan and Phil ran, until they finally hit Manchester, where they suffered from exhaustion, but something about the atmosphere was different. People bustled around the streets, shops were still open, everything happened as if nothing had ever happened. They found their safe haven, they knew they would be okay.

The year is 3050, the zombies are completely gone, the world is back to the way it was. Overpopulated, but happy. It has been twenty years, and the disease was cleared from the Earth by a self taught scientist named Daniel Howell. The year is 3050, and things are better, things are improving, and the world still revolving.

-End

A/N: Holy crap this took forever, but I really hoped you liked it!! Please let me know what you thought <3

Familiar Places, Unfamiliar Faces - A Phanfic

HERE IT IS!!! The phanfic I’ve been working on for a week!! Let me know what you think!!

*possible triggers, important character death*

Familiar Places, Unfamiliar Faces

*Phil’s POV* Sometimes you don’t sit and think about losing the most important person in the world to you. Nobody ever does. You don’t really sit back and relish in the thought that one day everyone in your life will leave you, will die, and you’ll be left alone with only yourself to blame.

It was my doing that caused the demise of my once lover Daniel James Howell. I was the one who pushed him away and told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. I pushed him away, making it impossible for him to believe I still loved him.

Now sitting here in his dark room, curled into his black and white duvet, savoring the scent of something that once was, there was nowhere else in the world I’d rather be than with him.

*6 Months Earlier*

I had just walked into mine and Dan’s flat, feeling annoyed when I saw him sitting in his sofa crease. I shouldn’t have been annoyed with him, I really shouldn’t have. Unfortunately I found myself becoming more and more aggravated with him for no reason at all. I knew it was something that happened when you lived with someone for as long as Dan and I had. Sometimes we got at each other’s throats and then at the end of the night we’d be curled into each other watching our favorite television shows and laughing, kissing, even sometimes making love. Now, we were lucky to even have a conversation with each other. I know that’s my fault. Dan always tried to talk to me, he always had tried to do sweet things for me like buy me flowers, make sure dinner was ready when I got home, buy me sweet knick-knacks or plushies, and even offer to take me out on extragavent dates. Dan in all reality was the perfect boyfriend, Dan never did anything wrong in his entire life or in our entire five year relationship, but I still saw myself pushing him away for no reason.

Now, it wasn’t that I wanted to break up with Dan. I never wanted to break up with Dan. He had been the love of my life since I met him. Daniel was always the cutest person next to me, he always stole the show and he made me smile more than any person on earth could’ve. Yet I continued to shut him out, to pretend I didn’t have the energy for him, and frankly it got to a point I felt I didn’t. I didn’t want to be around him, I hardly wanted to hear his annoying squeaky voice anymore, and I definitely didn’t want to make out with him or make love to him. I felt a lot of it was that we jumped into our relationship spending every waking moment together. I wanted space, no, I needed space. I loved Dan, God did I love that beautiful tanned skinned, brown eyed man, but I wanted to be free. I needed to be free. I couldn’t say something like that to Dan though. Dan would take it as me wanting to end things with him, and I didn’t really, but I did want a break to explore the world and be alone and to have time to myself. I didn’t feel Dan would understand, which is where I came up with the tactic of pushing him away so he’d do the dirty work himself. It was a moot point though. Dan tried everything, Dan wouldn’t ever give up on me even if I were seeing someone else (not that I ever could) and Dan would walk the ends of the earth for me. I would do the same, but not at this moment in time, I just wanted to journey out of this godforsaken flat and go to another country alone and just have the riches of the world to me, myself, and I.

*********************************************************

Dan jumped up as soon as he saw me walk through the door and closed his laptop, setting it down beside him gently. I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t feel like talking even though I knew he was going to. “Phil,” Dan stood up, his body stiff as he approached me, hesitant to touch me. “H-how was your day?” His stutter ringing throughout my ears. Dan only ever stuttered when he was nervous, and I knew I should have felt bad, pulled him and held him close and made him feel like he had no reason to be. Jesus don’t I know that now.

Instead, I shrugged, “fine,” I replied solemnly. I hiked my computer bag further up my arm, looking around Dan to find an easy way to escape to bedroom.

Dan noticed my obvious signs of annoyance, and sighed, backing away from me. I could see the obvious signs of him starting to notice nothing he could say to me would make me stop treating him badly. He sat back on the couch, putting his head in his hands and sighing. I could hear a sob form at his throat, “why, Phil? WHY, GODDAMNIT?!” Dan screamed into his hands before he peered up at me, his brown eyes glossy with tears. “For five years of my life Phil I’ve been your best friend. For five fucking years I have tried my damnedest to ensure that you’d be happy. Phil, I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I’ve always tried to do everything right by you, yet here you are making sure to make me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet, and I don’t even know why. Is there even a fucking reason for all of this? Do you want me out of your life that badly? Do you want us to be over Phil? Tell me what you want, just fucking do it, get it the hell over with so I can move on with my life if that’s what needs to be done because I sure as hell don’t deserve it.” He looked up at me, the most desperate look etched his face, tears still streaming down his face. “Go on, then. Be fucking honest with me Phil.”

At first I began to panic, I didn’t want to do this. Dan was supposed to be the one to do the hard-work, he was the one supposed to leave me. Now I knew that was never going to happen, if I wanted out I’d have to do it. I’d have to be honest. I looked up at him and sighed, my heart raced and my hands began to clam up, but I knew I had to do this if I wanted the break I needed. “Dan,” I said taking a shaky breath, “it isn’t that I don’t love you, Dan. I do, honestly, but I want a break. I want to be alone. I want to go off and do things on my own without having to answer to anyone. I want to experience the wonders of the world alone. I’ve never been given a chance to be by myself, and that’s all I want. I just want a break Dan,” there it was, out in the open, and the heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.

Dan laughed, the kind of laugh that comes out of the mouth who is so pissed he finds the situation funny. “A break? How long do you need a “break”, Phil?“

I wasn’t hesitant about the answer, “as long as it takes.”

Dan stood up now, stomping toward me, rage and sadness in his eyes. This wasn’t a Dan I was used to, but I knew this was something I should have expected given the circumstances. “As long as it fucking takes? You’re really saying that I’m supposed to sit around here and wait months, maybe years to make your fucking mind up? You’re a selfish twat, Philip Michael Lester. You know what, Phil, look at me in the eye and tell me we’re over. Tell me we’re done and that’ll be that. You can pack your goddamned fucking bags and you can be on your way, but you tell me first, really look at me, and honestly tell me you don’t want to be with me.” Dan’s cheeks were splotched with redness now, tears threatening to burst from his eyes.

I looked Dan straight in the eyes, standing taller to prove this was what I wanted, “we’re done, Dan,” and with that I walked away. I grabbed the bag I had already had packed in case this sort of thing happened and walked out the front door of the flat, onto the London streets, ignoring the sobs that could be heard from Dan inside.

*********************************************************

When I had gotten on the underground, I intended to go to my mum’s. I had already phoned her, informing her that I was staying the night, and that Dan and I had gotten in a fight. I didn’t intend to stay the entire night, I intended to get away, breathe a little bit, and go back to the flat and try to make things work with Dan. I knew Dan was right about everything, but I was being too stubborn to admit it.

I had six phone calls from Dan by the time I reached my mum’s. I kept ignoring his calls, even setting my phone on silent after a while. After the eighth phone call, I received a voicemail. I rolled my eyes, but thought better of it, assuming that all it was would be Dan begging me to take him back.

I entered the passcode as I phoned my voicemail, sitting patiently as the operator went through everything before Dan’s voice was in my ear. The sheer sadness and desperation of his voice ran cold through me as I listened, “Phil…. I had hoped you’d answer. I made a decision for me since you made one for yourself. I decided if you didn’t pick up after I had called you as many times as I felt, that would determine whether I stayed here or not. Phil, I can’t live on a planet where you aren’t with me every second of everyday. I can’t live in a flat that smells like you and not feel like my heart isn’t splitting in two. Phil… Oh, Phil,” Dan’s voice hitched as he began to stifle a sob, but he continued, “I don’t know what else I could possibly do or say to prove to you that you’re my everything. You failed to see the things that I was going through. You failed to see that I was depressed, that it hurt me to be in the same room as you and you look at me like I never meant anything to you. But that’s okay, that’s okay… Phil, be happy, please just be happy. Don’t forget about me, Phil if that’s one thing you could do for me. I love you, Phil. Have a good life, but please, don’t forget about me when I’m gone, promise me that if you can’t promise me anything else,” and the phone went blank, the operator asking to delete the message, but I didn’t.

I dialed Dan’s number frantically, but there was no answer. I called him six times before I realized I needed to leave I needed to get onto a train back to London, I needed to go, I needed to make sure he was okay. I grabbed my bags, calling the train station, hurriedly ordering the first ticket home, as I rushed out of the front door explaining to my mom I would call her as soon as I made it home. I still had two hours until I’d make it there, and I realized I needed to call someone closer and have them go to the flat to make sure Dan was okay. Looking through my contacts, I selected Pj’s name knowing he could be there in minutes.

The phone rang three times before he answered, “‘Ello?”

“Peej, listen to me I need you to go to my flat and make sure Dan is okay, please. He phoned me just a few minutes ago, and I think he’s going to do something bad to himself. I’m on a train back to London, but I’m still hours away, will you go there and make sure he’s okay? Please, Pj, this is important. If he’s okay sit with him until I get there, I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Pj obliged, agreeing he’d give me a call back letting me know as soon as he knew something and that he’d try to phone Dan himself to see if he’d answer for him.

*********************************************************

I had dozed off for the few hours it took to get back to London, before my phone rang. I was just getting off the train when my phone rang. It was Pj, “Phil, where are you?”

“I’m just getting off the train, I’m on my way now I should be there in five minutes or so. Is Dan okay, Peej?”

“Phil, I can’t get him to answer the door or his phone, I’ve called him more times than I could possibly count. Phil, hurry.”

“I’m rushing there now”, I sprinted to the flat, my legs burning furiously as I rounded the corner, seeing Pj standing outside of the door, knocking to the point his hands should have been bruised. I moved past him, not for words anymore, and shoved my key into the lock. The two of us burst into the door, running up the stairs shouting Dan’s name as we searched through bedrooms.

I stopped at the bathroom, noticing there was water coming from underneath the door. I tried to unlock it, but it wouldn’t budge. I screamed Dan’s name, willing to get him to hear me. When that didn’t work, I ran back, ramming myself into the door forcefully. I broke the door, running into the bathroom, and there was Dan, sitting in the bath, wrists sliced, with blood and water pooling around him. I didn’t hesitate to pull his soaking body from the water, I hardly even noticed Pj sneak around me and turn the water off. The only thing I saw was Dan. I checked his vitals, tears falling from my face. He was still breathing, incredibly light, but he was still breathing. I could hear Pj on the phone with A&E behind me, but I stayed where I was, stroking Dan’s hair.

“Dan, we’re calling an ambulance, please hold on for me,” I was sobbing at this point, I could barely breathe.

“Phil?” Dan looked up into the space up above us, his voice wheezy.

“Yes, Dan, yes it’s me. Listen to me, hold on,” I was frantic. I couldn’t stress the fact I needed him to stay alive anymore than I was.

“B-ut I’m so- *wheeze* tired,“Dan’s head rolled to the side but he continued to breathe lightly.

“No, Dan, listen to me, you can’t fall asleep, you have to stay awake for me,” my body was shaking, tears threatening to make another appearance.

“You left *wheeze* me Phil. I’m so *wheeze* sorry for not *wheeze* being good enough,” Dan’s voice was cracking now, and I could tell he was straining to talk.

“No, you did everything right, I never left Dan. Not a hundred percent I would never leave you. You have to get better so you can come back home to me,” I began crying again, my will to be strong was hanging by a thread.

“I’m just so *wheeze* tired. Let me go Phil, please,” Dan begged.

I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t tell him it was okay to say goodbye. I felt my heart being ripped from my chest. I heard Pj behind me say that the ambulance would be hear shortly. I just needed enough time to make sure Dan was still breathing until then.

Dan turned his head when he heard Pj’s voice, “Peej?”

Pj seemed to be surprised at first but he knelt down next to me, wrapping his arms around me as he grabbed Dan’s head in his hands, along with mine. “Yes, Dan?” Pj was crying now.

“Take care of *wheeze* Phil for me please, make sure h- *wheeze* -e is always happy. Just let *wheeze* me go and take *wheeze* care of each other. I’m so *wheeze* tired,” his head rolled closer into me.

Pj lost it, crying into my shoulder, “let him go Phil, that’s all he’s waiting for. He’s just waiting for you to give him the okay, now I’m asking you. Don’t let him suffer anymore, just let him go. I don’t want to let him go, just as much as you don’t, but we have to say goodbye Phil,” I could hear the sirens coming from down the street.

I stroked Dan’s head again, “is this what you really want, Dan? Do you want to go?”

“Yes *wheeze*, my head is so heavy. I’m so tired, I love *wheeze* you Phil,” Dan’s body began to jerk, white foam pouring from his mouth.

“Just fucking let him go Phil! Let. Him. Go. ” Pj shouted, his arms unattached from my waist.

I looked back at Dan, wiping the foam from his mouth as his body began to settle down, his breathing shaky. I stroked his hair, leaning into his face as I kissed his cheeks, his mouth, every inch of his face I could. I rested my head against his, tears falling down my face onto his, and whispered into his ear, “you can go Dan. It’s okay, you can go. I love you Daniel. Don’t worry I won’t forget you, nobody is ever going to forget you.”

*********************************************************

At 12:37 AM, Daniel Howell, my best friend, the love of my life, took his final breath. It was a surreal situation. The ambulance coming in to take him, the EMT fighting to pull his lifeless body from me, and Pj and I left sitting in a flooded bathroom clutching each other, as we sobbed.

I waited to hear back from the morgue after Dan’s autopsy to find out the drugs he had in his system. Turns out he had overdosed on Vicodin and Xanax, with a mixture of red wine. I couldn’t get out of bed most days, and I constantly looked at Dan’s pictures, I always cried, and even stopped making videos.

It took me two months to finally go back to our flat. I waited until after Dan’s funeral. I felt numb sitting there on a pew, staring at his casket, looking at the two pictures of him that sat on opposite sides of each other. My speech was awful, I cried to the point I had to walk off the stage. I didn’t stay the whole time. I decided going to our flat would be the closest thing to Dan I could get.

I walked around a little while after I arrived, noticing that it had been cleaned up since the incident, which I knew had to be something Pj had done. I looked at the pictures on the wall of the two of us, the chairs where he used to sit, and Dan’s sofa crease. I put my hand over it, smiling as I remembered all the times Dan sat here in this spot for hours on end. It was funny how you could smile with such a heavy heart.

I walked around the lounge a little bit more before I finally decided to go to Dan’s room. My hand felt heavy against the handle. I heaved a sigh before I pushed the door open. Once I was inside, I shut the door behind me, taking in everything that surrounded me. The scent of his cologne was still in the air as I approached his wardrobe, running my hands over the soft cotton of his black shirts. I went from his closet to his computer desk, noticing his MacBook was closed, an unusual act on Dan’s part. I sat down on his butt chair, scooting closer to the desk. I opened his computer, signing on, as we had passwords to everything of the others. I smiled as I saw the picture of us kissing in our hotel room in Tokyo. I looked down at his app bar, noticing Word Processor was jumping up and down on the screen. Curious, I clicked on it, wondering if Dan had been writing again. To my surprise it was a note, addressed to me.

“Dear Phil,

I know that by now if you’re reading this I’ve left, and I actually won the fight, and committed suicide. (If not, don’t be a twat, stop snooping, and get off of my laptop).

Firstly, I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you leaving. Your leaving did help, yes, but it wasn’t all because of that. I’ve been so depressed Phil. So depressed that you’ve pushed me away when I was trying my hardest to make sure I was always making you happy. I realize I never did anything wrong, but I can’t make myself blame you.

I would have gone anywhere in the world you wanted to go, Phil. I know you said you wanted to be alone, so that’s basically what my suicide consists of. I can’t live in a world where you don’t want me. Hell, you may never even care enough to be sitting here trying to figure out why I did this to myself. It’s better that you don’t know if you are reading this, because I don’t want you to sit around and blame yourself.

Phil, I never wanted to see you unhappy and I honestly thought you’d want the same for me, but when you couldn’t tell something was wrong, that’s when I lost my hope that you’d ever care about me again. Maybe that’s my own stupidity, but you never really did anything to prove me different. It’s fine, though, Phil. I forgive you, I forgive you for being stressed, for wanting your alone time, I forgive you.

All I ask, is that you forgive me, forgive me for not being a strong enough person to stay, forgive me for having my heart broken too many times by people who made promises to stay. I love you Philip Michael Lester. I won’t ever be able to express how much I love you and how much love you’ve given me in the five years I’ve loved you. Now, you’re free. You don’t have to worry about the burden of answering to anyone but yourself, not that you ever had to answer to me. I pray you’ll be able to move on from this in the future, Phil. That’s even if you care that I’m gone at all, which there’s a small place in my heart that hopes you will be.

Be happy, Phil. Be happy and stay that way, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. Again, Phil, I love you. Don’t go snooping around for other things, on my computer, because I don’t have anything else here, for you or for anyone else.

Yours truly, Dan

(P.S. Check the small brown chest on the dresser.) ” *********************************************************

I looked around the room, tears pooling out of my eyes, trailing to my mouth. I stood up going over to Dan’s dresser, unlocking the brown chest slowly. To my surprise, there was a velvet box, and I knew. I knew it was a ring before I opened the tiny box and saw the gold ring with the engraving “Marry Me, Phil?” I was crying so hard now I could barely see as I slipped the run onto my ring finger, it fitting perfectly.

I couldn’t stand up any longer, so I made my way to Dan’s bed, curling into his black and white duvet. It smelled of him, still, after months of him being gone. I cried for hours on end, before I finally fell asleep.

*********************************************************

“Phil, Phil,” I woke up to a familiar voice nudging me awake.

“Pj?” I sat up slowly, grabbing my throbbing head, rubbing at my sore eyes.

“I’m sorry, the door was open, I let myself in. How long have you been here? Are you alright?”

“I’m- I’m as okay as I can be,” I shrugged. I remembered the heavy weight on my ring finger, and I started to get teary eyed, showing Peej the ring, “he was going to propose, Pj. All this time of me pushing him away and treating him so badly, he was going to propose, and I just left him,” I pulled Pj in, crying into his shirt.

We stayed that way for a few hours, crying into each other, talking about our memories of Dan, even laughing from time to time. Finally after six hours of being that way, I felt brittle and tired. Pj asked if I was okay, and went home promising to phone me in the morning.

I had decided from the beginning, from the time I found the ring, that Pj wouldn’t be speaking with me tomorrow. I knew it would hurt him, and I hated to hurt anyone else with the pain of losing the other half to the Dan and Phil duo, leaving it nothing completely. I couldn’t stand to be without Dan. I couldn’t stand to be away from him and live on this earth without my soulmate. I couldn’t do that, and I wouldn’t. I hunted Dan’s room searching for the bottles of Vicodin and Xanax, feeling that I’d surely find them hidden here somewhere. Finding them hidden underneath a towel under his bed, next to the same bottle of red wine he had used himself. I took out six Vicodin and six Xanax, taking them three at a time with the wine. Afterwards I shoved everything back into the hiding spot Dan had hid it in originally. I crawled onto his bed, curling under his blankets. I laid there twirling the gold engagement ring around my finger over and over again, until death greeted me, reuniting me with my soulmate.

-End-

Thank you for reading!! Let me know what you thought!!

i thought i was gonna be ok today but holy fuck i want to rip myself apart