nicole

“I know I can’t be mad that you don’t like me back, but it’s quite frustrating. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. Nothing I say can change your mind. Nothing I wear will make you want to go out with me. Your mind is set, and not being able to change it has made me realize that life is set, you either roll with it or get lost through it.”

“I sat there teaching you how to love and how to let someone in, knowing damn well it wouldn’t be me”

“I know you’re not sorry. And I know you’re not miserable like I wanted. But I also know that the way you looked at me that time I woke you up in the middle of the night to make you explain time travel was genuine love. And you’ll never feel that again. So maybe in the end, I’m the one that should be sorry.”

“Sometimes I wish I cared less. But then I remember what a gift it is to feel.”

““He still asks about you, you know.” She gets a pang of longing and hurt in her chest. “I know.” She whispers “Do you ever think about getting in contact again?” She’s silent for a moment. “I would love nothing more than to run to him.” She says, smiling, thinking back to him. “But so much happened. So much hurt. I was broken after it ended. I can’t risk having to say goodbye again, it destroyed me for a long time. So would I want to? I would love nothing more. Will I? No.””

“I know you’re going to see me walk right past you at the bar one night and wonder why I didn’t stop to say hi. And you’re not going to know how much it hurt me to do that. And you’re going to stop yourself from following me. And I’m going to spend the rest of the night wondering why you didn’t. But I’m not going to text you and I’m not going to call you and I’m not going to look for you as I’m leaving. And you’re going to spend the rest of your night hoping I do. But if I happen to see you and you happen to catch my eye, I’m going to look at you in a very specific way. And you’re going to recognize it because it’s going to be the same way you looked at me the last night I saw you. But this time I’m going to be the one walking away and I’m not going to come back.”

“It can be terrifying to let something go, even if you know it’s not right for you because we’re afraid that it will be the most right thing that’ll ever come around.”

“If you’ve had 4 glasses of wine and you keep checking your phone with that 1% of hope that he’s as drunk as you and he’s going to text you, you’re not over him. If you find excuses to drive through his neighborhood, you’re not over him. If he still crosses your mind every time you post a snapchat and you check to see if he watches it, you’re not over him. When are you going to learn that telling yourself you don’t care won’t work? Why is it so hard to accept the fact that something is over and grieve it then forget about it and move on? What are you going to do when you get drunk and break down and tell him you miss him and he doesn’t respond? You can pretend you’re over it as much as you want but you’re not actually over it until someone mentions his name and you can honestly say “wow I haven’t thought about him in a while, I wonder what he’s up to.” And until that point, it’s all acting. Just because you don’t talk to him anymore or you stopped throwing yourself at him, it doesn’t mean you don’t still want to. That’s the difference between pretending to be over him and actually being over him. You have to genuinely not want to care about this person anymore. And that’s the impossible part.”

“I know I say I’m over you and I actually believe it most of the time, but I also know that if I saw you again, I’d fall right back into your trap. And if you reached out to me, I wouldn’t be able to ignore it. So yeah, I guess on some level I still miss you, but I also know that I used to lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling and I don’t do that anymore. So maybe I’m not completely over it, but I’m also not completely broken anymore.”

“In a way, you didn’t deserve how hard I tried to hold onto you, how hard I tried to get you to stay. Yet at the same time, I know I would’ve regret it had I not tried.”