<3

I am sorry to hear that you are also struggling anon, life can throw some real curveballs at times, many of which are not in our/anyone's control. As hard as it can be, we have to try to be kind to ourselves and remember that we did what we could at the time with what we had and that is "enough". It is hard to find the balance of being kind to ourselves but not the illness, really hard. I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect balance, but instead it is a learning curve that we are all on and which will look different for each of us. It doesnt make it any easier but please know that you are not alone in this.

Its tough though isn't it? When you know where you want to be/where you could be but you aren't. I've been finding it all a bit overwhelming recently and terrifying to be honest. There are so many things that I can sit here and say that I truly want and really mean it however instead of them being motivating, they end up being the opposite as they feel so impossible/far away, and more often than not lead to me sticking my head in the ground again. It's also like part of me has woken up in one sense and is seeing some of reality for what it is - especially how much time has passed yet I still feel very much stuck in the same position (which I know is not true in some senses because I have matured/learnt a lot/processed things but in other ways it is true). And as ever - there is no magical answer or tick list that can tell us how to navigate these roads. I hope that you can give yourself the chance to see what could lie ahead for you, in so many ways x

Thank you so much anon, honestly, it means so much. I am sorry that I am so hit and miss with coming online. My anxiety has been been spiking a lot recently for numerous reasons and one way it can manifest is that I find myself posting/replying to messages (even to friends) and then bury my head in the sand for a few days, too scared to look back at said space. Overthinking is rather prevalent at the moment. I have a backlog of messages in my inbox on here however I don't know how to navigate that/where to start/if I should look at them...I also want to do a little update so I feel a bit more at ease coming back online/drawing a line, however at the same time I dont know what to update or post/what I last said...which then leads me to overthinking and worrying and so my head goes back in the sand again.

I hope that whatever this new week holds that you are able to show some kindness towards yourself my dear. take care x

This message means more than you can know, thank you xxx

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I was last on here but WHAT ON EARTH IS WITH THE CREEPY LOOKING CLOWN CROUCHING ON A BARREL?! IM FREAKING OUT.

31.08.23

I keep thinking about coming back to posting online but every time I finally manage to fight the anxiety and make it back to this page, I draw up blank and end up leaving again...I suppose part of me is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed (about everything that my 'life' is/has been/become) whilst also being utterly exhausted and tired of hearing and saying the same things over and over again. I hate it.

This space was such a positive space for me in recovery in the past, it helped me beyond belief and I met some of the most incredible souls through it. Right now I need everything I can get. Life has been feeling incredibly heavy and hard for longer than I care to admit. I have not been okay (even typing that is hard) and I am finding it hard to see/believe that things can ever get better.

I wish that I could shake myself. How have I let this happen again?!

Saturday 1st July 2023

Hello (if there is anyone there)

It's been a long time since I last logged onto my account and I can only apologise for not replying to any of the messages and for disappearing again, I promise it was nothing 'personal'.

Im not sure how I feel about this space, however over the past few weeks there has been a little part of me thinking about coming back to my blog...Im not entirely sure why but I think part of me has been craving a bit of "community" and connection (if that's the right way to put it) as well as needing to keep myself accountable.

As a mini update: I've not long since finished a v intense online day patient programme that I was able to access for around 18weeks - it was A LOT - a lot a lot. And it has taken me a few weeks to simply being to "catch-up" with myself both mentally and physically as I was utterly exhausted from the schedule. I've been slowly beginning to process some of what came up in therapy/group/spaces but I've been finding it hard to allow myself space for that connection/to accept my reality and the need for change. Things aren't brilliant but they aren't 'terrible/rock bottom' - they just sort of "are" (which brings up so much in itself). Im feeling somewhat (very) frustrated with this endless stuckness and tired and....numb. Don't get me wrong, the input/support/therapy I had was amazing and helped me begin to untangle a lot of threads and was like nothing I have ever accessed before but I'm still very trapped in illness (which makes me really sad to type).

This isn't me saying I'll be back to posting or being online but to say that I am considering it. Posting this and admitting these things feels very alien/wrong but I think that is the anorexia trying to keep me distant from myself/remain in denial. Who knows if this will turn into anything but I wanted to make a post none the less to see how it feels but also to see if there might be anyone left out there...if there is, hello, and thank you for sticking with me.

26th May 2022

I am truly truly sorry for the radio silence. I honestly don't know where time has gone. I seem to have blinked and its been another 6 weeks. A LOT has happened since I last posted, a lot a lot. I don't even know where to start...I think that I will try to put together something that is at least a little cohesive over the next few days but in short: I AM HOME! and I am doing okay. This move has reiterated to me that this is where I need to be in order to break free from this once and for al - do not get me wrong, I am very aware of the eating disorder tricks and reasonings that it has been throwing at me as to why it also likes this situation however I am refusing to go down those rabbit holes and when I have started to I have been pulling myself back out. There have been lots of challenges and difficulties but there have also been wins and triumphs. Nothing in life is ever perfect/plain sailing and I am trying to allow myself to be in this process best I can (the messiness, the imperfection, the anxiety, the hurt, the constant questioning, all of it) in order to give myself the best chance at living a life beyond this grey area that I have survived in for far too long. Anyway, for now I hope that you are all safe and well. Oh and thank you also for all the messages, I really will try post soon. I also just want to say that I might take a little longer than I would want to to post but I think I have realised that right now I need to be focusing on my actions and the fundamental cogs of my recovery, which means focusing less on words/planning and more on action/doing and riding those waves. It's hard. really hard. some days are a little brighter than others but I have a very crucial few weeks ahead of me and I need to do all I can to make sure that this works/is the best thing for me. I hope that you can understand. All my love x

Bless you, I am glad that I could offer a little bit of 'hope' amongst the darkness. It's been a really dark few years for me but dare I say that I myself finally feel like I can see a way forwards; that this time can be different. Take care of yourself anon. My inbox is always open xx

Thank you anon, that is very kind of you. I am so determined to make this time different and never go back x

Thank you sweet, I really appreciate all the support and love. I can't quite believe how quickly time has passed either - looking back and reflecting was hard but Ive actually found it really beneficial to do. It has given me time and space to reflect on my previous traps and triggers as well as the opportunity to plan for how to make sure that this EDU admission is my last but thank you for reminding me that I don't 'owe' anyone an update, I really appreciate that xx

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