@awkwardlifts / awkwardlifts.tumblr.com
611.5
Down 2.5, down 38.5 total. I actually totally forgot to make this post yesterday. My bad, future-self and whomever else might read this. Keep your nose to the grindstone and do as much as you can to shuck-off the bad habits that hold you back.
Y’all. Honestly. I am so fucking tired of having to base so many choices and decisions on whether or not I can fit some place or whether or not something can hold and/or support my weight. It’s exhausting and it fucking sucks. Indeed, working on it as much as I can, but it’s so shitty and demoralizing.
612.5: down 12.5, down 37.5 total
6 days without soda. Oddly, it seems easier this time than the last couple times. I consider myself King of the False Start and I really hope that this one will not be another one of those, instead carrying me to where I need to go. The desire for the bullshit might always be there, but refusing it has been relatively easy. Onward and upwards, y’all.
I’ve been in dark places for a while. It started when I got hooked on a game and didn’t leave my house enough, even to go to the gym. It got worse when I stopped taking care of myself during that time, ate very poorly, and gained a ton of weight, so limiting my mobility that I could barely leave the house when I wanted to do so. And the cherry on that sundae of bad has been the pandemic.
It’s never been so bad that I wanted to end my life, but it did get to a point where I would think that if it did end, I wouldn’t care, except for feeling bad for my Mom. I’m not too ashamed to say that a drama show about the early life of a Kryptonian based superhero helped re-ignite my desire to live and love to the fullest. But it did. I’ve sought professional help to help me get my mobility back and as soon as I can, i’ll be getting more to help deal with past trauma and other things that keep knocking over my apple-cart.
Each day is a battle. But I think that knowing in my heart that I want to do this for ME instead of for someone else might be the difference maker. Hope so.
I think I’ve finally hit that wall. You know the one? Where you fall, keep falling and then stop at the bottom of the pit. And then you sit there for a while and consider never getting up. That wall. But I don’t want to stay there. I have a lot of life I want to live, I don’t want to throw myself into an early grave. I want my life to have meant something, I want to experience all that I can, “I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” and all that. And I can’t do that without first getting control of my life again, getting my mobility back. That absolutely must be the first steps.
I know the date is wrong, but I weighed this morning as late last night was my dalliance with “The Wall”, and I wanted it to line up with future dates, both here and in the spreadsheet I keep: 627
Damn, y'all. Kicking the soda and sugary drink habit has been so much more difficult this time around. The pandemic isn't helping. But I've got a number of days under my belt now and as it's the first real stone to getting my health and my life back, progress is progress I say.
621, down 1, overall down 29
Well friends - I forgot to write this post this week. It’s not because I was busy with anything terribly important, I was just bamboozled by new TV shows (Upload on Prime) and having one of my old passions re-ignited (see below). It wasn’t the best of weeks, truthfully it was on the verge of bad. But I got some of the water flavor additives that I really enjoy so I’m hopeful that that will help me get over the hump.
I’ve also got really into my guitars again. I’ve been playing on and off for nearly 20 years now, actual time probably around 18 months. I tend to get serious for a few weeks and then quit for a while (a shock to everyone I am sure) but I mean to stick with it this time. I’ve already hit some skill and ability goals that I hadn’t hit before and I’m better now than I’ve ever been in the past.
And it’s odd. I talk to the old players that I know, Gen X-ers and lower end Boomers mostly, and it occurs to me: while they can offer very valuable insight, I have tools available to me now that they didn’t have then and I do not have to learn the same way that they did or do the exact same things that they do. I apply that idea to every other aspect of my life, I do not know why it was such a challenge to find it and use it here.
Until next week!
622, gain of 5, overall down 28
Somehow, with some luck and a dash of magic, I ‘only’ gained 5 pounds since Covid 19 got really serious here in the United States. It’s not good, but I thought it was going to be significantly worse. As it is, the only way is forward.
I let the COVID-19 situation totally derail what I’m trying to do here. But today that stops. I have to make a few adjustments for how I do things in a pandemic, but they’re pretty small at this point.
I’m sorry for not keeping up with this. I will do a full update tomorrow with whatever my current scale number is. First things first - kicking the drinking empty calories habit. My food intake has been relatively decent, but the drinks got a little out of control.
617. Down total of 33 pounds.
I missed a couple of updates. I’ll be honest, I was afraid of what the scale would tell me. I was doing so-so with food but I was struggling hard with sugary drinks and I didn’t want to be made to feel worse than I did, so I avoided it. Perhaps a bit cowardly but I truly think that it saved me from sliding further back.
But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There was no gain, still a good sized loss. Now, I know that I could have done better but I’m not going to beat myself up about that. Forward is forward and every inch of ground gained should be celebrated.
I refuse to be someone’s reason to change or to mourn. I am regaining control of my life.
628: down 6 pounds, total of 22 pounds down.
I didn’t forget to write today’s check in, but I did get super bogged down doing other things. I’m starting school in the fall for mechanical engineering (or computer science). I’m doing prep work to beef up my math skills (badly needed). Also, working to take some CLEP exams to get myself as many credits as I can before I start. We shall see how it goes.
Rebounded pretty well. Down total of 16 to 634.
It could have, even should have, been better but I had some missteps. Which I think are super normal and people, myself included, need to be better at dealing with minor setbacks.
Good to get that first backslide out of the way quickly. Back up to 646. But I feel mentally better, over the past couple days. Which I think is important. Just need to put it all together instead of separately.
This week, down only 3 pounds to: 635.
It would have been better but I didn’t do that well on staying away from sugary beverages. I need to be more careful about having coffee sent over and do better about soda. Small daily allowances are very hard to manage to a semi-addict. Might be time to just cut them completely.
Can’t even lie, christmas blew really hard this year.
First week in the books, down 12 pounds to 638.
My primary focus on these initial weeks has been to eliminate sugary drinks from my diet. I went from 21-28L of soda per week to less than 1, and hopefully zero in future weeks. I’ve also worked on eating better. Not a ‘perfect’ week, not that perfect eating actually exists in non-disordered eating, but ideally, far closer to balanced and nutritional than in the past.
My movement is limited right now, I have to do small amounts in small bursts, so I’ve taken to walking around the apartment several times a day. It’s not much right now, but it is something and it is working. I will do more as I am able to add more. Hopefully in the next few months, I will be able to properly return to a gym.
