Also.

So long, so absent again.

Things have been really difficult, there’s no point in glossing over it. My eating disorder is completely ruling the roost at the moment, and I’m knackered.

I haven’t ridden in weeks.

So all of that is...that.

The line: “Cameron. He should go back in his garden shed and reflect upon his sins.” as written by a random stranger on the ‘The 48%’ Facebook group, has absolutely made my evening.

...hurriedly renewing my passport a little early so I don’t get stuck with an anti-EU one...

It’s purely cosmetic, really, as it’s not going to do anything about me and millions of others losing our rights as EU citizens - but, it would be interesting to see if they’re gathering data on how many people renew their passport earlier than needed. 

I would be prepared to bet significant amounts that the numbers will have soared in comparison to previous years.

Sometimes, sometimes, it's ok to buy things for yourself. Especially if it's ridiculously childish. The dinosaur glass was 75p and the peach water was 40p, and I can't believe how pleased just buying silly things for myself for once has made me. If it's only going to cost £1.15, it's got to be alright to occasionally 'splash out'. 

 ALSO.

 Sainsbury's and ASDA are the only two places I've found that do that sparking flavoured water without aspartame. I can't bear that horrible saccharine taste that it leaves in your mouth for days. I am forever jealous of the people who don't get it. Anyway, Sainsbury's is where I normally go because pretty much all of their sugar free stuff is minus aspartame, which is so rare. They don't do peach flavour though, so finding this in ASDA was a plus.

It's been a difficult few days, but I think I'm out the other side for now. The dino glass and the peach water can be a small but significant celebration of a tiny achievement. 

Also. I need to get a brolly! My general approach to walking is, oh well, if it rains then I'll get wet. I don't generally take issue with the rain and umbrellas are just extra faff. This is not such a good approach when you sit in lectures for hours afterwards, freezing cold and gently steaming...

You know when you just 😑 It has taken me half an hour just to psyche myself up to get the chocolate bar out of my bag. Eating any of it is going to be an almighty stress. I have an exam this afternoon, so I thought maybe a bit of an energy kick would be a good idea, but it's not working. I can't work out how many calories exactly are in it because my maths is nul, but I know there are under 150. I am literally freaking out over a kids' vegan chocolate bar with less than 150 calories. I haven't got it in me today. On the plus side, I had a sudden burst of courage and emailed student services asking for an appointment to speak to someone about my mental health, and find out if there's any support I can get. It's only the first step (the really scary bit will be actually turning up to the appointment) but it's taken a chip out of the weight on my shoulders...

Oh, and my hair is falling out in clumps.

As you may be able to guess...I’m in a reeeeeally good mood.*

*Sarcasm. Obviously.

I’m really tired

I have my first exam tomorrow, and I’m stressed out about SO MUCH. Kind of just want to crawl into a hole and forget about everything.

Eating/thoughts about food/body image have been at their most disordered in some time over the last few days.

I feel about ready to chuck in the towel and stick my head in the sand.

The hunting argument has kicked off again

This

and 

this

have literally just appeared one above the other on my Facebook feed, and there are other general statuses coming down on one or the other sides.

I am staying WELL out of it. I don’t particularly like the concept of fox/hare/whatever else hunting. It’s brutal, and there has to be a better way of controlling numbers/protecting lifestock. (My dad pees round his chicken coop which is SUCH a grim thought, but science says it should work and it certainly seems to.) I have no desire to hunt Alfie, even if it was a hundred percent human quarry. 

I do however have friends who hunt. Presumably (?) drag as the real thing is illegal, but having said that, the hunt near us CERTAINLY are not particularly scrupulous about sticking to the law. That said, the people I know who do it are nonetheless really lovely people. I know that’s not the case with everybody and there are some real dicks too, but...yeah, I know people who hunt, who I’m very fond of. They are aware of my opinions on the matter, and I am aware of theirs. 

I also can’t be one hundred percent on the sabs’ side, because while I also know lovely people who are sabs, I’ve also run into the wrong side of them. I was followed when walking my cousins’ fat Labrador down the lane on a hunt day, by a masked sab in his car. He drove behind me very, very slowly for about a mile and a half (only when I got into a more built up area did he drive off.) It was fucking terrifying and I have not felt that threatened before or since. I had nothing to do with the hunt, I had not been near the hunt. I can only imagine that he decided to follow me because I happened to be on a road the hunt often come down. You do hear of them doing reprehensible things. The article above doesn’t overtly state that it was a hunt sab who drove his car into a horse, but it only takes a bit of putting two and two together. A friend of mine was at a meet once where she witnessed full grown adults literally dragging children off their ponies. 

Sabs have a right to protest peacefully, and I am with them there. The woman in the video I linked is clearly awesome. But I lose all sympathy when they start using underhand, violent or dangerous tactics. It’s also seriously ineffective, because it just gets people’s blood up and heels dug in.

Equally, hunts that operate within the law (human trails, landowners’ permission, etc etc) should be able to do so without being threatened. If there’s still a problem with the law, protesters need to get on to law enforcement and local government to sort it out.

I don’t know. Many complicated feelings on the matter, mostly the dichotomy between not wanting animals to be torn to death, but also wildly disliking the notion that all sabs are good, no matter how they behave or what tactics they employ.

He keeps looking around, then looking at me and mow-ing. I have no clue what he wants. Sorry Fizzy, I don't speak Cat...

SLOWLY getting better at it. I can cruise down the lane fairly confidently now. The issues I'm having are: 1. Getting my front foot in the right position. Quite often by the time I've got it where it should be, I've slowed right down and I need to change it again so that I can push off. I think possibly I'm overthinking the whole thing, but it's a bit frustrating. 2. Turning right! I can get it to turn left easily, but turning right = shifting my weight backwards, and that feels totally unnatural... I've only fallen off twice, and even though it's onto concrete, it's not half as painful as falling from a horse. Have managed to bail quite a few times when it was beginning to turn sour, too, so avoided hitting the floor there. I thought it would be more like surfing than it actually is? Not really sure where I got that idea from. But currently the main difference is I can do surfing, and I can't do this. YET. I had a bit of a shitty afternoon, but getting out and doing this was a really quick and simple way of clearing my head. I've made a (5th) New Year's resolution to relearn all of my scales, because I haven't thought about them since i stopped doing exams. So there has also been some emotional pounding out of scales. I can only find my grades 1-5 scale book (Christ knows where the 6-8 one is) so so far I have nailed all of Grade 5 and half of Grade 4. I really do want to find the other book though, because grades 5-8 scales are probably more useful than anything below 5. Anyway. It's weirdly therapeutic...