Dead Is The New Sexy

Sophie Kinsella, Can You Keep a Secret? (via books-n-quotes)

Me thinking about a joke I told last week

nobody’s dick is big when you think of how small we are in the universe

“Just trust your gut”

Pal I have anxiety, my gut is literally always telling me to abort mission

*gets hit with feelings i thought i was over with* mmm i see that we’re recycling now

I am going to eat this entire candy cane.

You’re going to get a cavity

good

30 min later, not much progress. 

Its been an hour. I bit my tongue, my teeth hurts and I’m almost halfway done…

One hour and half done. That’s impressive That takes real skill and perseverance

an hour and a half. my grandma called and I didnt take it so i could eat this… i hate everything

i’d rather be eating anything but this

two and a half hours…. my mouth will never taste normal again

3 fucking hours

I’ve tasted Satans asshole and it tastes like 3 hours of mint. 

Please. Please don’t bring this back.

‘Tis the season.

It’s November

TO BE JOLLY

Up your game this year, OP.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE. WHY???

Tis the season to taste Satan’s asshole falalala lalalala

Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch. Since then, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to get laid. The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.

Y’all get together to discuss your options and she starts coaching you on how to get men because she doesn’t want to waste more magic on you without promise of payment. The more time you guys spend together the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her. Soon you’re sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again. 

Long story short you fall in love and get married and do the sperm donor thing AND YOUR FIRSTBORN IS HERS BY DEFAULT and you live happily ever after. The end.

Baby cries in the middle of the night

Witch: Ughhhhh. It’s your turn.

You: You bought it. You handle it.

That is what I call a fairy tale ending.

no more discourse everybody shut the fuck up and eat some bread

-Jesus at the last supper

remember when dash drama looked like this