Life lately

I’m typing these thoughts because I can’t seem to tell them to anyone.

Ever since the quarantine happened, my life has gone crazier than usual. I became busier, more stressed, there are a lot of ups and downs but most of all, I became more depressed.

The passing of my father is one of the reasons why. I slightly blamed and regretted that I wasn’t there for 2 years before he passed away. I should visited and took care of him when he was having a hard time. My heart aches so much. It’s been almost a year.

Another one is my career. I’ve been juggling jobs since quarantine, I took freelancing gigs while doing my corporate job. I also opened a business and planning to open another one next month. I admit, I am a slave for money. It is not because I’m greedy but I need to work 4 times more because I have a family of 4 to support and feed. My stress mostly come from this, from being the eldest child and having loads of responsibilities.

I am tired. I wanna quit my corporate job because it doesn’t pay well and it’s not good for my mental health anymore. But even if it doesn’t pay a lot, I still need it. I was planning to quit it because I thought my business was going well not until this year. Sales were down, engagements and also my motivation in continuing the business. I became busier with work that I wasn’t able to pay attention to it.

Living this life is mentally exhausting because I feel like I’m running out of time and that I am not good enough for anything. I am trying to learn. I work 12 hours a day plus learn some new things on the side. But I am not really getting what I wanna achieve. Sometimes conditioning myself that “good things take time” isn’t helpful. I am hating myself for it. I also know that every person has their own timeline, but I get insecure and jealous over the people who got what they want without actually working for it. I am also hating myself for it. I tried not to look at other people, believe me. I also admit that I am my own life’s toxicity. I hate it.

Sorry, I just want to let these out because going to therapy is very expensive for me. I tried, but I can’t. Okay, I’m out.

This quarantine is making me really think of things that I want to do afterwards. Though these thoughts make me anxious too. I’m so jealous of those people who are being productive on this situation, I can’t even work well (even more at this time). But last night I made up my mind, and these are my long term plans (which are subject to change but I hope not).

1. Invest invest invest! I have already started (just today, I’m so proud!) studying more about trading. Studied more since I took financial math way back in college. I am planning to invest in the foreign market, PH economy is quite... bad.

2. Learn more about my passion. I’ve been an amateur graphic & layout designer since I was in high school. Took part time jobs here and there, org responsibilities, and currently I’m having another part time job (together with my full time!) as a Marketing Associate/Graphic Designer on a start-up brand. This is my second time doing this kind of job like a social media manager and I must say that I’m really enjoying it more than my actual job. This connects with the next one.

3. Early retirement on the corporate world and start freelancing and my own brand. After doing #1 and #2, this will be my next step. I am really confident that the corporate world isn’t for me. I love doing things freely and on my own, yes I still need some supervision or approval from clients but I don’t like working in the office. Is it just me? My job is great, pay is so-so even when my job is supposed to be the “4th highest paid jobs” in PH. Maybe I’m just unlucky? It should be with “Terms & Conditions” lol. I thought I would enjoy this but my anxiety is keeping me from growing... and I don’t know, I just don’t see myself improving in this field. Or I’m not allowing myself to improve? I really don’t know, maybe I’m just demotivated and that I’m super anxious and traumatized about having to study again just so I can “improve” or be acknowledged.

4. Marry my boyfriend. This one’s self explanatory.

I’ve got a lot more but I have to think twice or many times more before I put them on this list.

when your love language is quality time, how are you surviving this quarantine? me, i’m barely surviving.

i miss you a lot, hope this crisis will all end soon.

1:15 am—my mind is confused whether i’m sad or numb. though i feel pain rushing through my head. is it anxiety? is it migraine? is it because i’m holding back my tears? i don’t know. what i’m sure of is i’m tired, i want to escape. may i sleep? fuck i’ve been having insomnia. i hate this hour, it makes me feel lonelier. oh and i’m having bad thoughts. do i really have to wake up tomorrow? how do i stop this pain? why do i feel helpless? stop, i’m tired.

Same. Living feels like a chore.

This quarantine is making me feel more depressed and fuck I hate it. I feel so anxious about everything that’s happening and I still feel sad about losing my father. Damn my emotions are everywhere and I fucking hate that I can’t get myself together. I’m supposed to make the most out of this one month quarantine but I’m super unmotivated to do anything and everything seems uninteresting. What else, my sleeping pattern is disrupted as I’m having insomnia at night. I fucking hate this situation but I can’t do anything.

February 15, 2020

Gab calls it " the big day", and indeed it is.

Last January 1st, we got into an argument. It's regarding his unpreparedness every time we go out. Usually, I am the one who plans for our dates or he leaves up the decisions to me. But I suddenly felt annoyed when he tried it for the first time, he planned to go to Fantasy Land but he was late so we weren't able to proceed. I asked him for plan B but he does not have any, instead we pointlessly drove with no place to really go. So to make up for it, I told him to plan our valentines and monthsary date on February 15.

Honestly, I was scared that it will not turn out well but I put my trust in him. 5 days before that day, he told me that we're gonna split up the bill but it'll be worth 1.5k each. I was taken aback because it's really expensive. So I told him to choose another restaurant or something that wouldn't cost us a lot.

The day came, it's a Saturday. He usually has a 3 hour afternoon class so I was supposed to wait for him to fetch me at home. He then told me that he'll be late because the class was extended. I waited and it's almost 8 PM when he got to me, I was almost annoyed but I held it in because I've thought that it's not his fault for being late.

I gave him my gifts (a box full of love haha - just a bunch of instant coffee and tumbler with our photos and love coupons), and I calmed down when I saw him happy with it. We started going to his "reservation", I actually don't have any idea but he told me that it is his friend's place and it's not actually a restaurant. He was so chatty on our way there and he really looks cute because he was obviously nervous. I asked him why, he told me it's his first time to do this kind of surprise. I, on the other hand, am not really used to surprises even though I love them so I didn't expect anything grand from him.

When we reached the place, I really didn't know how to react. He showed me the exact place where we'll have our dinner but I immediately looked for a bathroom. I felt so sorry because I can't stop my urge to pee. So when we got to the exact place, it's kinda like a gazebo, I saw the set up. It's a self made samgyupsal set with all the side dishes that I like - cheese, buttered corn, kimchi, and even potato marbles! I don't know if it's visible on my face but I was really surprised and super ecstatic. I've thought, "he made these?". For me it's more special because he didn't just called up a restaurant for us to eat but he actually made what we're supposed to eat! I am so touched with his efforts. It's also my first time to have been surprised like that.

So while eating, he told me that he did it all day and he had to lie that he has a class and it got extended. He was also sorry because he lied but I told him it's okay because it didn't harm me, else it showed me how much he loves me by doing so much effort just for this night.

I'm not lucky with a lot of things but I am the luckiest with Gab. It's not because of the gifts or things that he's giving me but because of every effort that he has made since day 1. He always makes sure that he can give me a lot of love and care. He reciprocates everything that I do for him like being just there and understanding each other. I am very thankful that I was given this man who can respect, understand and love me even in my most unlovable state. He is always there listening or making me feel better. We may not be individually perfect but we're so good together. We may have little arguments and shortcomings but we always make sure that we won't forget to address those for a better relationship. I will never really trade this man for anything or even for the world. He's the best blessing that I've got in my life. If ever I forget everything, I'll always make sure that I can remember this day and him.

Year end drama

For 2020, I just want a better mental and physical health. Almost everything fell apart this year because of my deteriorating health—my motivation to do better in work and life, my happiness, my finances, my relationship with other people, and many more. I want to do better, I want to become better for myself and for everyone who believes in me. This year was tough but I’m still thankful for all the blessings I’ve received. I’m praying for more next year.

My 2019 summary

It’s a tough year but I survived.

I don’t know where to put my sadness. Why do I have to end this day like this...

I’ve always wanted to quit life but I also always find myself trying to survive each day. As if I really want to do that. Well it’s just another depressive episode.

My surprise was successful! I thought about this for months and even though some may have failed (the ruined cake because of an accident, the not-so-nicely-wrapped gift because of my poor wrapping skill) I still made him happy, and that’s the most important thing.

Happy birthday to the love of my life. You deserve every great thing in this world. I love you so much.

Ugh nothing

Here to rant because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

I left work yesterday around 8:30 PM but reached home around 12:30 AM. A dreading 4 hours commute with an average speed limit of 5kph. YES 5 KPH. My usual commute time is 1-2hrs but due to SLEX/Skyway roadworks, WHICH THEY CONSIDER A MINOR DISRUPTION, I am hugely inconvenienced. And this won’t only be for one day, it’ll be until 2020. Imagine, going to work for 2-3 hours and going home for 3-4 hours. So you spend your 9-10 hours or even more in work, 5-7 hours in traffic, and got little to no hours left for you to rest or sleep. Do we deserve this?

Here are some solutions that you may say but I have already considered:

1. Rent - I already did but it didn’t help me. Renting is really expensive in the metro, I haven’t saved any cent. Meanwhile, commuting for me is a lot cheaper because I don’t have to pay for rent, bills, food, etc.

2. Resign and transfer work to the province - It is not easy. The rates in the province are not as competitive as the rates in Manila even when you’re a degree holder. There’s also only a little opportunity in the province. As a career woman, I want growth. And tbh, I can only have growth in the jobs here in Manila.

3. Wake up/go home early - I AM ALREADY. I go to work at 6 AM to reach work before 8. I go home at 5 PM to finish 9 hours of work. Isn’t it early enough?

4. Bear with it - That’s what I’m doing. But should we always settle for less? Should we allow them to give us hardships because of their poor performance and planning? No.

I broke down yesterday because I’m so tired - of my daily life and of my anxieties and overthinking. I’ve been sleepless for the whole week and it’s causing me too much stress and fatigue. It also makes me sad because I feel invalidated. I know some people might see this as shallow or just dramatic but I really do feel down. To the point that I don’t have motivation and I’m so sick of my life and it’s affecting the people around me. I feel really sorry for what I caused them and I know this ain’t an excuse for me to let out my frustrations at them — especially to my boyfriend. But most of all, I feel sorry for myself. I am not me anymore.

He was never good at surprises until yesterday. He got me flowers on a random day, dated me for the whole day, and I felt really loved. I will never trade this man for the world.

Ikaw ang pipiliin sa araw-araw. I love you so much.

I’m so tired

Of being me.

Of feeling so much pain.

Of fighting with my anxieties.

Of being alive.