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@phantomwise / phantomwise.tumblr.com

an out-of-context theater by me. header image by suibianjie@tumblr.com
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*places an orange just outside a fairy ring to see what comes out* science is more of an art than a science

*the orange grows legs and skitters away*

Fascinating results *places a banana in the same spot*

*clawed hand reaches out of the ether and drags it into the ring, leaving ragged claw marks in the soil as it disappears, back into the ether from whence it came*

“let’s go to the extreme.” *places a pineapple in the same spot*

Real scientists would keep putting an orange in the same spot to make sure the results are consistent before moving on to other fruits or different spots.

The only valid response to this post.

We’re working up the complexity levels of fruit until we feel there is enough evidence to support the judicious placement of a volunteer twink

You sit down, we haven’t seen what’s happened to the pineapple

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I don't trust anyone who hasn't acknowledged their capacity for evil.

"I'm just a smol bean uwu" No sir, what you are is someone who is so habituated to thinking of yourself as innocent that you will continue to do so even when you're guilty.

To quote Chris Fleming

"You know that thing where the most toxic person you've ever met over-relates to woodland creatures on social media? I call it Vibe Dysphoria. She'll put up a picture of a mouse in a jean jacket with 'It's me.' That is not you. I don't know how you got under the impression that you are a mouse in a jean jacket. You are an eel with a gun.She posts a toad with a basket of mushrooms like 'Me doing my little things.' Oh madam, there is nothing little about your things. You gave me psychosexual issues I'll carry to my watery grave. You are not a toad in the forest...You are a cruel woman who just happens to be small."--Chris Fleming

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Oh yeah, I think it's time to talk about Thorin's introduction scene in the first Hobbit movie because I've never seen a man fall in love so quickly. Now, first off, they really build up who Thorin is with the dramatics of everyone stopping when he knocks and Gandalf saying, "He's here." Then, we cut to the actual opening of the door. See the GIF below.

Few things here. First, look at that confidence and swagger. Did he have to strike a pose when the door was opened? No, but he did because Thorin Oakenshield is nothing if not dramatic. He is also not blushing, nor does he look even vaguely surprised, just smirk and swagger. It's important to note he has not seen Bilbo at all yet. It's also important to note that in the next few seconds, he doesn't actually see Bilbo.

Look at these GIFs. My man is doing anything but looking at Bilbo. He can hear Bilbo. He's fixing his coat and smiling at Kili. The movie makes it explicitly clear when the first time he gets a good look at Bilbo is. Take a look.

Did you see it? The exact moment that he actually saw Bilbo. It's hard to miss, given his eyes grow like three times, and his pupils explode, but let's watch it in slow-mo and zoomed in anyway.

His whole mouth is hanging open like a caught fish. This is the closest to immediate heart eyes I have seen in my life. He's even blushing! Go look at his cheeks in the first gif compared to this one. He looks like he just found the meaning of happiness. It doesn't even stop there because the next bit is just as fun.

Thorin takes a full step forward like he's being yanked by a chain, and the look on his face isn't just curiosity he's starstruck. That's a genuine twinkle in those deep blues. Now don't get me wrong, Thorin goes on to insult Bilbo and dismiss him outright. What can I say, he's smoop, but he's about as emotionally constipated as it gets. Those insults, however, are a secondary reaction. It's very hard to fake a first reaction to something you're not expecting, and Gandalf told Thorin basically nothing about their soon-to-be burglar. This was his first genuine reaction to Bilbo, and it sets the stage for every interaction after it because if Thorin Oakenshield struggles with one thing from this point forward, it's keeping his eyes off of Bilbo Baggins.

~~~

More deep dives like this can be found by searching the pinned tag #deep dive on my page ❤️

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Does anyone else remember the livejournal community ship_manifesto? People signed up to submit essentially essays explaining why this particular fandom ship was good and what the appeal was. I loved reading them, it was fascinating. As I recall there were two main categories: 1) extensive polemics featuring quotes, gifs, dialogue, thematic interpretations, color schemes, leitmotifs, and 2) person holding up picture of two characters going “these two have never met in canon. But if they did? I think it’d be really neat.”

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hot take lan wangji would absolutely for sure scrap all day every day no hesitation whatsoever. the only reason he doesn’t is bc no one is stupid enough to piss him off (until wei ying ofc). you get one glare, maybe two if he’s feeling patient, and then it’s instant hands. truly a miracle wwx did not take more of a beating when he was at his most insufferable. in the library w the magazine lwj literally said catch me outside so i can beat ur ass. he’s soooooo ready to challenge any and everyone he meets. jzx (either of them tbh) says literally Anything and bichen is OUT. blades at DAWN. AND noon. and you know what, fuck it, blades at dusk too. in middle school he fought wen xu and all his goons One time when he was like 12 and he beat their asses so bad that shit followed him all the way to college. legendary. everyone knows lwj is in love w wei ying bc of the lack of duels. anyone else would certainly have been punched in the face. but no wwx just gets sideye. and ignored. which only ENCOURAGES him. in fact if anyone else tries to put a stop to wwx shenanigans lwj glares at YOU. everyone says ah yes, face of jade, so serene. meanwhile on the inside he is full of lust and also more importantly rage. i Love him. he said sometimes violence is the solution actually. but only when i do it. pristine.

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asha-mage

Do ya'll ever think about how every character in MDZS is living in a radically different genre of story?

Cause yeah, sure Wei Wuxian is living in a danmei fantasy novel with strong romantic comedy elements, but if you slide over a bit Lan Wangji is living a serious and heady drama about regret, loss, yearning, the passage of time, and ultimately atonement.

Scooch on over to Xichen and your in a straight up Greek tragedy, right down to the parable about hubris and trust. Jin Guangyao is living meanwhile in a political dark fantasy al'la Game of Thrones, Nie Huaisang is in a Gothic moody Monte Cristo-esque reflection on revenge and deception, and while Lan Sizhuhi and Jin Ling are living in two VERY different YA fantasy books ('magic boarding school/secret orphan of destiny' and 'Steven Universe style coming of age/discovering all your family are some flavor of evil and magic' respectively).

Everyone connected to Yi City is living inside a dark psychological thriller/horror flick, except for Xue Yang who is in a Found Family/Enemies to Lover fic right up until he isn't.

Jiang Cheng's entire life has been one long soap opera, and it is showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

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based on @lilnasxvevo 's post here because I COULD NOT RESIST. where is the subgenre of 3zun reconciliation fics where xiyao have to fuck nmj back to health???? where is it???? wen qing is here because reasons. don't question it.

doubly hilarious if this is an AU where jgy has already begun to try and use Music Makes You Lose Control - nmj has to go to his sworn brothers and explain that his doctor thinks bottoming might fix him better than music, and whilst lxc is smiling politely and doing worldslongestyeahboi.mp4 in his head, jgy is sitting there frantically trying to figure out how he could poison nmj with his dick instead.

(he doesn't kill nmj because jgy is so fucking touch-starved that after one midweek sex break with da-ge and er-ge he's full of so much serotonin and so de-stressed that he goes back to Koi Tower like :) :) not giving this up :) :) patricide time :) :) ......also the alternative is to try and explain to his dad why he's not playing Evil Music anymore and what he's doing instead, and there is a non-zero chance his dad will respond to this by trying to make him a fulltime sex assassin. so yeah! :) PROMOTION TIME ZIXUAN-GE :) )

and obviously, when the new "treatment" clearly begins to work...

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starchazion

When your cringe ass 50+ year old rusty flirting skills are actually scoring

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nibbelraz

When the tiny human that lives with you runs your kingdom with such speed and efficiency you can't help but want him carnally

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One of my favorite little facts about history is that the Mexican peso was functionally the everyday unit of currency in China in the 19th and early 20th century. Silver was one of the few western commodities that Chinese merchants were willing to trade in at rates that made shipping it to China (an expensive, arduous process) profitable; this trade became so voluminous by the 19th century that large everyday transactions even far away from port cities were conducted in pesos, in large part because Mexico's large domestic silver supply and existing transpacific trade links meant that the currency was stable (a known quantity to merchants in a time and place where relatively pure silver coins were otherwise uncommon) and readily available for use in trade

Zhang Zongchang, the bandit general of the warlord era, could call himself (or at least be called) "Old Eighty-Six" because of the peso - everyone knew or had a vague sense at least how tall a stack of 86 pesos would be, and that this was an impressive length for a guy's dick

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4thvar

How many penis nicknames does one guy need?

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