hoo wee, hello tumblr! hello everyone!

it has been *checks watch* 4 years and two months since i last posted here. hello to anyone who is still here! this is wild, isn’t it

sometimes over the years i have come onto this blog and perused my own archives. seen my text posts, laughed at myself. in so many ways i am the same exact person i have always been. but in many other ways i am completely different! oh god i read my drafts and laughed so hard. the ways in which i’ve hated my body are the same. 

but anyway: a reintroduction of sorts! hello! my name is sam, actually. he/they. i’m 24 years old now, i live in a city on the east coast. i work a dead-end job at an art museum that i’m working to change, and i’m studying for the LSAT right now. i want to work at a bookstore. i have an interview on wednesday! maybe i’ll be a lawyer with my life. idk about that though. i hate the idea of litigation. maybe i’ll work in libraries or rare books, or continue theater a little bit. i have no fucking idea what i’m going to do. covid took that all away from me but that’s not entirely an uncommon phenomenon. my dad has terminal brain cancer. he will die in the next year probably. life is hard and it is not going how i always imagined it would go and i am still figuring out whether or not that is a net good thing for me. i am queer. i am trans. i have OCD and also probably autism. i am scared every day that i will die with nothing to show for my life. i am paranoid that this is it. i am sad and scared and hopeful and everything and nothing but also i am okay i think

i dumped my ex six months ago and couchsurfed for 5 weeks and that was really brave of me. we had been together for 2.5 years. but i just fell out of love and he made me unhappy. we were too different and not in the romantic way where you can resolve differences. he hated his job and never wanted a new one. he was dead-end. felt like carrying around a puppy. but he was cute and a great cook, with a beautiful smile. i miss his kisses and his hugs. but i am better off. and i miss him dearly. i have another friend who is not a boy who i also love so much but in a different way. his name is patrick. i met him when i lived in louisville three years ago and i finally understand what people talk about when they say that sometimes you just meet people at the wrong time. i don’t think of him as the one who got away or anything, i never thought i was going to get him in the first place. but i do love him.

but my boyfriend, you guys. i have a boyfriend. i love him so much. i think i’m gonna marry him one day but he doesn’t know that i think that yet. ohhhh my god. he’s everything. he is worth everything. he is the big dipper, his arms are warm, he’s not good at kissing but it’s fine because he’s willing to learn. he is strong and firm and he loves me as a boy. he is the love of my life and everything good in the world. i want to kiss him in a big fancy house and in an open field. i want to hold his hand in busy streets and eat dinner with him in parks. i am so in love it’s stupid. i’ve known him since i was 12. we dated in college but it didn’t work, and 6 years later here we are. and i get to fuck him like a boy. he calls me a man and tells me i’m his boy and i am so in love with him i want to vomit and when we get married and live in the same apartment i will wear a suit because i am a boy. i’m going to take T and top surgery and transition and i will finally be a boy. i am working on that part but it’s gonna fucking happen.

i have a lot of care and sympathy for 2011-2018 me. and i am glad this digital archive of their life, and their friends, and their true nature exists. lord knows it doesn’t in the real world. i love knowing i can see myself figuring things out in real time with the support of people who, for the first time, really and truly loved me for who i was. if you were a part of that and you’re reading this, thank you. you were one of my first real friends and i am so grateful for you. 

i’m never deleting but i’ll never post again. if anyone i know reads this please get in touch with me and let me know, i would be shocked. if you’re a friend i haven’t talked to in a while, please please reach out. i will want to hear from you. 

looking at you, dina. i miss you every day.

alright, that’s it i think. i love you guys. i love this blog. long live yadesard dot tumblr dot com. be well. rest easy. drink water. love people openly and all that. i love you all so much. goodbye <3