i am a ghost of my country

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and my country is a ghost of me.
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@santacap· 
          Steve’s holiday tradition isn’t anything Tony’s unaware of. More than that, he actually knew where Steve volunteered during the day, and how long he stayed at the nursery house before returning to his home. At first he doubted Steve wanted to spend the rest of the evening alone - but he didn’t question it too much, knowing they all needed some kind of a break every once in a while (and it’s not like they hadn’t spent the morning together, with the rest of their groups), and it’s not like he had any plans for the evening, either; finding the idea of some actual peace and quiet more than appealing this year. 
Anyway - the reason behind the full-research he made on Steve’s holiday schedule is that, well, while accepting that the man needed some time alone, he still doesn’t exactly like the idea of him returning to an empty house, and though he couldn’t do much about the company, he could at least make sure Steve’s mood would… lighten up some, for more ‘selfish’ reasons, like self gratification, and not just from helping others (not that there’s anything wrong with that; on the contrary. He just thinks Steve really could use some actual him time).
Which means: gifts. 
Or rather, just one gift, wrapped up all nicely and set on the coffee table in the living room. He could have gone bigger, filled the room with decorations and music and a tree, but that, he assumed, would make Steve feel uncomfortable more than anything. So he… tamed himself, for lack of a better word, getting his friend something smaller instead, with a note attached to the ribbon that was tied around it:
I know some of the things we’ve gone through are unforgettable. Unforgivable.                  Hopefully one day we’ll be able to look back and laugh about it. 
                                                                                                           Merry Christmas, Winghead,                                                                                                                                                 -T.  
Inside the gift, he’d be able to find  a large pack of DVDs that includes the complete set of True Blood (and limited edition packaging, too), season 1-7, with behind the scenes bits and bloopers. 

Steve unties his boots, toeing them off and placing them on the welcoming mat to the side before hanging his coat up on the rack nearby. It had been a long day, but there was nothing more rewarding than a hard day’s work. Especially honest work, where the reward wasn’t the money, or the food but the company. The giving. Volunteering at a soup kitchen and a shelter might not have been the ideal way to spend the holidays for most people -- away from family and friends, no presents to look forward to, no giant feast to dig into -- but the holidays had never been about the gifts or the food for Steve. He’d never grown up with the ability or option to gift or be gifted expensive presents. They’d never had the money. He hadn’t had the option for large meals either --- especially once the war hit, and he spent his Christmas in the trench or the cold Russian front with fellow soldiers, making a tree out of their weapons and stockings out of their regulation socks. And to be honest --- those were some of the best Christmas’s he’d ever had. It was never about what he could get that Steve loved about the holidays. It was about what you could give. It was about spending it in good company, helping those less fortune and those in need of the kindness of strangers. To put a smile on another person’s face. It might be sappy, it might be tacky in the eyes of some -- but Steve never understood that kind of mentality. What was so wrong, so unappealing about treating others with a bit of kindness? 

He manages to make his way over to the couch before settling down in it, lights still dimmed as he takes in the silence of the night, and while it’s a bit lonely, it isn’t suffocating. It isn’t stifling, and Steve isn’t about to go weeping into a cup of coffee as he listens to Sinatra on repeat. He’s actually about to head to bed when he sees it. A carefully wrapped present in his red, white and blue pattern, and Steve doesn’t even have to look at the note to know who it’s from. There’s only one person he knows who can be as obnoxiously obvious about his intentions. (Well, there’s several actually, but there’s only one who can get his point across to Steve without ever needing words.) Steve stares at it for a moment, contemplating, before he reaches out and takes it in his hands. It’s bulky and thick, but not heavy. Giving it a slight shake, he can hear something in it rattle, but it doesn’t sound like anything small. Huh. Just what’d you get me, Tony?

He thumbs the note, pushing it open, and his eyes scan the words, the meaning obvious, the gesture sincere --- and oddly simple. Something Steve can appreciate it. His gaze sticks to the note for a few seconds longer, lips pressing together, but where a couple of months ago there would have been an edge of frustration or awkwardness, a layer of anger stemming from a long unresolved issue ---- Steve feels ... touched. He can’t pretend that it’s all in the past, that he’s forgiven Tony completely for what he’d done --- for what had happened, and the betrayal of trust, but ... It had happened. And while the memory still makes Steve grit his teeth, makes his fists clench when he thinks about it too much, too hard, too long, he doesn’t have the urge to curl his lips back at the sight of Tony and hurt him as much as Tony had hurt him anymore. He sees Tony, and ---- and he can smile. He can laugh with him. They can spend their Friday nights together in companionship, shoulders together, knees knocking, a bowl of popcorn and two boxes of pizza between them as they catch up on their shows. 

Steve sees Tony, and he can be Steve again.

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It’s enough that Steve has a small smile to his lips as he sets the note down on the table -- and it isn’t even a question about whether he’ll keep it or not -- and starts to unwrap his gift. What he finds inside ... Is not what he’d been expecting.

He flips the box set over in his hands, and when he sees the title --- his lips tug up, an almost exasperated curve to the corners.  Tony, you jokester.  He says quietly to himself, but there’s something soft in the look in his eyes, something fond about the way he runs his fingers over the glossy cover of the DVD set ---- no matter how terrible the actual series may be, and the fact that he’ll probably never open it. Two whole seasons, they’d suffered through it, before they finally called it quits and moved on to something different (and incomparably better). Two seasons of pure banter, witticisms, and criticisms. The very start of their Friday night tradition.

Actually ...

Sitting down on his couch, Steve reaches for his phone in his back pocket. Thank you for the present, Tony, he types out on his phone, and his thumbs hover over the screen for only a split second before he sends off another text, before pocketing his phone and picking up the box set with a smile. Though it wouldn’t be right of me to watch the third season without you. 

No. As far as Christmas’s went --- this one wasn’t bad at all. 

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“How sweet,” Hand on his chest, fingers spread wide as he bats his eyelashes at Steve, head slightly tilted to the side with the gesture; he lets his knee bump against Steve’s once- gesture a bit light, “’A couple of goes’? My, if people only knew that Captain America took care of his man in more than just the obvious way, I bet they wouldn’t be looking at you the same way anymore,” He laughs, waggling his eyebrows some with the caring in question. “Now, now– hold on just a minute, not even I am arrogant enough to call you into question. I know you better than that. If anything - I was saying the truth. Constructive criticism, if you may.” The little nudge of Steve’s elbow against his side doesn’t do much, though - as if on instinct - he does lean away from the touch. Right before bumping his knee against Steve’s again, this time a bit harder than before, “Mm-hm, whatever you say, Cap’n.” 
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steve’s expression shifts a little, at that. it doesn’t close off, and steve doesn’t move away, but the corners of his lips tug at his smile a bit, as if trying to pull them into a slight frown.  “  it sounds like they’d need to read actual news, then, instead of focusing on sensationalism and yellow journalism.  “   steve replies, and there’s a slight furrow between his brows when he finishes speaking. it’s not that he’s uncomfortable or even angry at tony’s comments --- again, he’s more than used to them from tony, and more than used to playing along --- but with the previous conversation still in mind ... steve shifts a little on the couch. he’s not entirely sure how to react, anymore.  “ constructive criticism ? “  steve asks, and raises both brows.  “ if that’s the case, then it’s fine. same as telling you the truth about your old suits and your silly rollerblades. you know  ----  constructive criticism. “     he hums low under his breath, and casually pushes tony’s shoulder, the one closest to him, enough to nearly push the man sideways but without the brute force behind it to hurt. the smile is back on steve’s face, and he’s content at the sight of tony pushed over and away while he remains straight on the couch.   “ whatever i say is right. see? i’m keeping you in line, after all. “
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It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt’s ‘Man in The Arena’ passage from his 'Citizens of a Republic’ speech (.1913)

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“Big surprise there.” His hand moves to pat Steve on the back before sliding over to squeeze around his shoulder. He can’t say the same himself, considering how he used to do his studies – though, really, as much as people like to assume this all came easy to him, he actually did have to sit his ass down and study as a kid. Even nowadays - there’s always room to learn, and there will always be things he would strive to know more of. “Why does it feel like you just want to give me a good whoopin’? Is there something I need to know, beloved?” A small pause, and he clears his throat. “–Not that I’m admitting you could.” Ahem. “Of course.” And he returns the kick right back. Make it double, actually.

“  only that i’m looking out for you, tony.  “  steve replies, paying no mind to tony’s touching --- other than the cursory acknowledgement, and the slightly less casual acknowledgement in the back of his mind, a result of their previous conversation and the topic --- and gives a small pause, before --  “  and if that means a couple of goes on the mat, well,  “   steve smiles, a secret little thing, and gives a small shrug of a shoulder.   “  just remember that you were the one calling me into question.  “   the knock that comes to his boot in retaliation barely jostles his foot, and steve makes a point of pointing his elbow and nudging it into tony’s side, just underneath his armpit.   “ of course not. “  steve agrees, graciously. another tiny pause, and his smile takes on a mischievous curve that turns it into more of a smirk, now.    “ although you wouldn’t be wrong if you did. “

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Almost as soon as Steve’s grabbing his wrist, Dean’s attempting to tug his hand out of the man’s grip. He passes a serious, even annoyed, look in the other’s direction. He doesn’t want to dance around anymore. He doesn’t have the time or energy at this point. What he does have a goal and just enough will to achieve it.
      “ – Hate to break it to you, pal, but he’s already dead
It wasn’t so much a concious decision that Dean revealed that secret as it was just word vomit. Still, that was probably a vital piece of information Dean should have shared earlier, but he needed leverage, right? A guy like Captain America thinking there’s a life that needs saving and Dean being the only one who can save him gave Dean a little more time. But the cat was out of the bag.
      “ Dickhead demon over here broke his neck before I could do          anything. Even if I exorcise it, the poor bastard it’s wearing is          gone.
                                     – There’s nothing we can do for him.  

steve’s chest heaves up as he sucks in a breath ---- surprise, mostly ---- before he breathes out slowly and his gaze goes steely. his jaw clenches once more, eyes flinty as they move from the man to the ...  demon, that’s currently tied up. and the man it’s in. the warehouse is too dark and dim to make too many details out, and the blood on the man is substantial. steve originally thought it all belonged to him, thanks to the torture. now he’s not so sure. what he has to be sure of, however, is that the man beside him is telling the truth. and while steve can see clearly now he wasn’t lying about the demon ... steve eyes him again, a bit suspiciously still. he’s still not trusting of him, either. so he takes steps, careful and measured, around the circle, until he’s behind the possessed man. close enough to see --- swelling on the back of his neck. and a protrusion of bones where it shouldn’t be, misaligned from the rest of the spine. steve closes his eyes momentarily. it’s damning information. when steve opens his eyes next, there’s a grim sort of determination in them, and he eyes the demon with revulsion.

 stepping back and away, steve slowly makes his way back over to the other man. he’s still not entirely sold on him, considering he doesn’t even know the man’s name yet, and steve still knows next to nothing about what’s going on. other than what he’d heard in the beginning, something about ----    “  so ... who’s this abaddon ? “

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         ❝     preferably yes.     ❞                oh woman,   your hands are too cold to ask for mercy.   the idea of forgiveness breeds elsewhere.   your gun to your chin.   do you regret not pulling the trigger?     in the hands of an angry god,   tomorrow will not be kinder,    not to women like her.   empirical,   however,   indifferent.    because grief fuels your destruction,   and you’ve never wanted to destroy more than when he spoke to you.   represent all that she stands to loath,    damned to the same hell she rose from.   how is the sting of it all?   the knowing,   showing,   breathing fire into an oxygen - less room.   he will not burn.    avert her gaze,   hands willing a gun to her holster,     clicking in,   listen closely just to hear the gears turning.   she would let few of the words from behind her teeth loose.    the quiet surely have the most to say.
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"   i’d suggest picking a partner who’s willing to slack off instead of watching your back, next time, then.  “   steve replies simply enough, and he holds sharon’s gaze. it’s not the most difficult thing in the world --- but it’s certainly not the easiest, either. how had things gotten to this point between them? he remembers how close they used to be. things between them had never been simple, they’d never gotten the benefit or the luck of that, but it had never been so hostile, either. he looks away from her the moment she looks away from him, and instead busies himself with pulling out the holomap from one of the pouches on his belt.     “  we should be close by, despite the slight detour.  “   he says, and doesn’t comment much on sharon’s headstrong tactics.     “  i think we should stop for a moment, though. isn’t this entire thing a bit ODD to you ?   why would HYDRA be hiding a weapon this important in a base that’s hardly guarded well enough ?  

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If that were true, MIT would have way more graduates,” Another waving of his hand, accompanied with a weak laugh this time. This is Tony’s version of not revealing his magic tricks– or something among those lines. “Besides, whether I did or not sneak out of class back then, it wouldn’t have been for the sake of superheroing. Unlike a certain Captain over here,” He takes the gesture with pride, tilting his head to the opposite side of Steve with a smile before returning the favor: a gentle little punch to the shoulder. “Oh, is THAT what you’ve been doing? If you ask me, looks like you’ve been slacking, Rogers.” 
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“  i never snuck out of class.  “   steve replies simply ---- and it probably doesn’t help his case much. he was never much one for breaking the rules --- well. not when it came to his education, anyway. it was a value instilled within him thanks to the perseverance of his mother, and the grim determination of himself to get out and live than succumb to limits of his sickly, frail body. though it meant beatings and bullying on the daily, it was worth it.   “  if it’s a more strict command you want, tony, i’d be happy to throw you into the new training regiment captain marvel and i have cooked up. “    steve raises an eyebrow, and knocks his boot into the side of tony’s foot.   “ c’mon. i’ll be happy to whip you into shape and knock you into line if you’re so eager for it. “
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knox couldn’t help the sly  WOLF’S GRIN  that took over his features  —-  he had seen the momentary flash of surprise at steve seeing the badge.  of course he wasn’t going to reveal exactly what he was doing to steve  ( or anyone for that matter )  but he did enjoy pulling steve along.  sighing, knox tucked the badge back into his shirt before shrugging.  what did it matter to steve who he was working for when his reasons for being there were seemingly legal?  knox couldn’t stop the short chortle that passed his lips before he clapped a hand on steve’s shoulder  &  leaned even closer.
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❛  that  —-  good sir  -—  is none of your fuckin’ business.  ❜

" i beg to differ. “   steve replies, and his lips are twisted into a frown. his eyes snap over to where knox’s hand is on his shoulder, and snaps his gaze back to knox’s face. they’re standing irreparably close, intimiately so, and so steve doesn’t hesitate in grasping knox’s wrist with his hand. the grasp is firm, tight --- a bit uncomfortably so, you might say.    “ i might not be in uniform, but youcan damn well rest assured that i’m always on the job. and that job is to the people --- the people in this room included. so yes, actually, you could say this is my business. it is entirely my business. “    his grip on knox’s wrist tightens, just a bit more, and steve angles his head down a little as he takes another small step forward. it’s enough that their noses are nearly touching.    “ so i’ll ask again, knox.    ---- who are you working for?  either you answer me, or things get ugly.and for the sake of everyone here, i’d really rather it not come to that. "

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        their eyes meet for that brief moment when he smiles warmly at her; she’s happy that his arm is still around her when they resume walking. she keeps her eyes forward, watching for rogue puddles.  ‘ i don’t know, i think i could grow to like winter, she muses, each word weighed carefully.  ‘ the snow, the lights, the season –— and it’s all about the people you care about that time of year, right? ’ 

“ really? ”   steve asks, raising an eyebrow. it’s less out of a genuine sort of surprise, and more a dry sort of teasing. he balances on the sidewalk alongside her, stepping in sync and the warmth of her skin, even with the multiple layers the both of them are wearing, keeping the chill of autumn out of their little bubble.   “ you have a point. “   steve muses, but his voice has gone softer. he looks over at pepper with something like fondness and understanding.   “ you know ... a lot of people would go for the sweater weather and christmas presents, when it comes to their reasons for liking the winter time. “    it’s a sad fact but true. the winter time, while steve had never been fond of it, had always meant closeness. whether it was as a kid, when all he had was his mother and the thin walls of their apartment during christmas time, or when he was a soldier in the war and all he had were his men, all of them in various states of freezing and suffering. a bit of kindle and worn down army regulation socks to hang on their makeshift ‘christmas tree’. camaraderie. familiarity. the winter had never been kind, but the saving grace of it all had always been having someone to spend it with. it seems most people nowadays don’t seem to share that sentiment. except, apparently, pepper.   

 “ i think you’re right, though. “   steve says.   “ the winter, the cold -- it’s not so bad. not when you’ve got people in your life to keep you warm. “   his smile grows a bit as he looks at her still, the words said a bit more quietly, a little shy perhaps, but earnest.

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a  ray  of  sunshine    //    light  in  the  darkest  of  times    !       that  was  what  she  was   —-   always    &    forever  something  of    blitheness    within  the  avengers   ,   tell  me    :    has  she  been  missed       ?       she  would  admit  gladly  to  reminiscing  of  her  early  days   ,   of  those  hours  spent    teasing    hank   ,   or  fighting  by  heroes’  sides   ————–   but    THIS    [    this  solitude   ,   this  working  alone    !    ]    granted  her  something  akin  to    peace    .       sort  of   .       yellow   -   masked  eyne  catch  patriotic  stripes    &    she  can  practically  hear  the    star   -   spangled  banner    begin  to  play    ;    gloved  arms  go  ‘round  his  neck   ,   a  pair  of  lips  gently  pressing  to  each  cheek   .
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       ————————   i  saw    AMERICA’S  COLORS    from  a  mile  away    !       have  you  thought  of  choosing  a  duller    blue    ?       
&* @wingshead​
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" not all of us have the benefit of shrinking in size, you know.  “     steve replies a bit dryly --- playfully -- and raises an eyebrow. there’s only warmth in his teasing words as a smile curls onto his lips, fond and easy, and he leans down to envelop jan into a warm hug. they hardly ever see one another nowadays : but it’s hard to forget just how close they used to be when in her presence.  “  besides --- being seen is kind of the whole point. some of us have to distract the enemy so the rest can fly in and finish the job.  “ 

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