@aplantoshakethingsup-blog / aplantoshakethingsup-blog.tumblr.com
player: “I don’t like this”
DM: “ok, roll to monologue”
the only class is bard
DM: Your husband doesn’t want to kill the king while the king sleeps.
You: (Roll for initiative: 21) You bet your sweet ass you’re sticking that dagger.
Ofelia fought back the ever burning desire to smirk, knowing she’d give herself away if she did so. Ah, so he enjoyed it? Good! Very good. That’d make this next bit even sweeter for Ofelia, no pun intended. The “waitress” placed a finger on her chin and tapped it thoughtfully, as though she was trying to recall what exactly she brought him. “Well Golly, I can’t seem to remember.” Ofelia hmmed, and huhed for a moment drawing it out longer, obviously playing dumb. “Oh!” Her eyes lit up all of a sudden, “I remember!” She exclaimed, snapping her fingers when she “realized” what the refreshment was. “It’s Herculade!”
He gecked. He choked. He spat out the vile liquid, and tried to regurgitate the sip sliding down his throat, but to no avail.
Hades gripped the glass, as it could be heard straining and cracking. When at last it burst into dust, Hades was already a number of shades redder. He spoke no words, but only huffed and puffed with unbridled fury.
“I’ve been poisoned... So... I’m not really that hungry anymore. Dinner’s cancelled, in fact. For everybody. The only thing I want is-” He took a deep breath through his nose before screeching at the top of his lungs,
Ofelia stared with a blank expression at the puddle on the floor, and then looked back at Hades. She exhaled sharply through her nose, attempting to calm herself. Could she ask a guest to leave? Was that a thing she was allowed to do as an intern? Would Mickey, and Minnie approve or would they just continue on? She already knew the answer, thought it made her even wearier than before… “I’ll just have to plum help you remember then. But first I’ll get that cleaned up.” She said perkily. Ofelia caught a walking broom from Fantasia out of the corner of her eye, heading elsewhere, but Ofelia flagged it down anyway. “Hey! Scuse me!”
The creation of magic suddenly paused, looked in her direction then headed over. Taking the Lord of the Dead’s glass, Ofelia headed over meeting it halfway. “The lord of the-” “Dread.” She uttered, out of the side of her mouth, to it. “Had an accident, could you clean up his mess while I get him a refill?”
It didn’t have to be asked twice, the broom straightened up, and saluted the intern before walking around her, heading over to Hades’ spill. Then Ofelia went on her way to the kitchen… “He needs a refill. I’ll give him a refill. He’s getting Zeus Juice. Or Herculade.” She grumbled under her breath.
~~~
*CLANK!* “Here you go!” Ofelia said as she slammed a glass in front of Hades, the glass was filled very nearly to the brim with a purplish liquid, ice, and was topped off new umbrella this time green. “I hope it’s too your liking, oh scholar of bones.” She wasn’t going to tell him what the liquid was until he started drinking, because well…she wanted to see him spit in surprise, or disgust either way would be fine with her. Ofelia glanced down at the floor to see if the broom had indeed cleaned the mess, and to her thankfulness it had! Good, that was one less thing she had to deal with today from Flambo over here.
Hades eyed Ofelia with suspicion. She was being an awful amount of pleasant for somebody being run through the Hades Gauntlet. Only being Deathless would he drink from that glass placed before him; the only thing that would have done him any harm, well... a common waitress wasn’t going to likely have access to a Mortal-ification potion.
He was pleased as punch to find it tasted good. It wasn’t ambrosia, but it went down smooth. Tasted great, but not so filling. Familiar too; he’d tried this at some point before, he just couldn’t put a bony finger on what.
“This isn’t half bad. It definitely wasn’t what I had before. Which, speaking of --- it just came back to me that I just had water; woopsie, how’d that escape me?” He said this in such a way as to give away he was lying about forgetting. “You did good, Mortie,” he finished in a gruff voice, a belch escaping right before he nicknamed Ofelia for her mortality. “What is this anyway?”
Well she was correct, then again when wasn’t she about these kinds of things? Ofelia gave herself a mental pat on the back for waiting on Hades, without any hope that he’d be easy to handle. The agitated young woman, had a hundred and one comebacks for Mr. Cinder and Ashes on the brain at the moment. But she didn’t want to take the chance of getting fired, by the main cheese himself, or the Lord of the Dead, both would be equally unpleasant… So she’d keep her pretty little lips sealed for now, and bite back her tongue, maybe she’d get lucky and the kitchen would have a FOURTH messup that would call for her assistance so she could getaway. “Ofelia Stamos at your service, and I’m actually a paid intern.” Tone more sickeningly bright than before, letting off some of the agitation built up; but nothing too detectable at the moment. “But I shall do my best to call you your Lordship next time.” Ofelia paused, and took in a small breath. “Now let’s do something about that drink, what were you having your…Lordship.”
Hades held his hands up in a faux ‘Oh! You got me!’. The scoff that puffed from his lips added to the imitation.
“My mistake. Paid intern. Good. Then you don’t need a tip. Not that I see you getting one from me or anybody else. But here’s a tip; a word of advice. Don’t correct me. Great. Thanks.”
He next picked up his empty glass and examined it, pouting at the clinking, half-melted ice shifting about inside. He dumped the contents out on the table, with the ice crashing down and speeding off in every direction from the top to the floor. The little purple drink umbrella touched down last, prompting his hand to sweep the whole lot onto the floor. Aside from melted ice, there was no liquid hint to what had been in the glass.
“Gosh, y’know, I forgot. Plum forgot. Oh hey. Plums. Another type of food nowhere to be found. Yeah, but maybe you folks should speed things up a bit. I shouldn’t have reached empty before somebody came around with a refill pitcher. Want me to do your job? You can’t afford my salary. Figure it out.”
He smiled a fiendish, wide smile.
“And... clean this up? Don’t need anybody slipping. I mean, you’ve got enough on your plate. Consider yourself lucky though. I don’t even have a plate to begin with.”
Ofelia didn’t know WHAT, or who started the fire in the kitchen ( though she was betting on Goofy ) she was growing slightly agitated with the kitchen hands. This was their THIRD screwup of the night, the third! The first mistake had to do with Elliot from the movie Pete’s Dragon, the scaly beast’s order had been delivered on time! However there were bites missing out of his order. The second was when Gus the goose nearly fried up one of the stars, Sebastian was still crabby about that… And finally the third mistake of the night, no one really knew what happened, except that the kitchen was on fire. But the worst part was all of their customers orders had been ruined in the fire, and none of the customers were being very understanding, especially not a certain Lord of the Dead. Minnie’s hands were currently full trying to pacify the other complainers at the House of Mouse, and Mickey currently had the stage announcing the next act.
So that left the intern with the task of pleasing the god, lucky her. She’d just got done explaining to with all seven dwarfs, two of Disney’s princesses, and a panicked Tantor about what had happened. Thankfully, they were more or less understanding, but Ofelia had a hunch that Prince Azure wouldn’t be so pleasant. But still, she had to at least try for Minnie’s sake. Was she nervous about the task? A little. It was Hades, she’d seen the movie, the series…and she was WELL aware of that one time Max, almost got abducted to three Underworld for messing up Hades’ name. Talk about a hothead. But that didn’t stop the girl, so with notepad in hand, and a big smile plastered across her face the girl walked right up to his table. “Hiyah, what seems to be the problamo, sir?”
Strike one: Wait time. Strike two: Hiyah, and problamo. Strike three: “Sir”.
“Alright. Okay. I get it, all right. The House of Mouse is going downhill faster than Sisyphus’s boulder. I get that, because you of all people show up at my table and go, “Hiyah, what seems to be the problamo, sir?” Hades kvetched, mocking Ofelia’s bright tone at the end with an exaggerated, idiotic voice. “You KNOW the problem! Do ya see me enjoying my dining experience, or are you standing there, flapping ya’ gums while I’m stewin’ without the stew part anywhere involved? And don’t get me STARTED on my drinking glass. Oi! Drier than a bone. And, by the way, I think I know a thing or two about bones; occupational hazard.”
Hades simmered down to the slightest degree. He tented his fingers on the table, raised a brow, and chuckled with cruel intent. Mickey was gonna play games with him? Fine. He’d play ball.
“So who am I talkin’ to anyway? This new nobody; this plebeian peon; this unpaid intern, who has the gaul to call the Lord of the Dead just “sir”, and not “Your Lordship” or anything else that would take the TEENIEST bit of forethought and Grace in customer service?”
“Guess who’s back in business. First three correct guesses win a special prize: Temporary torment, as opposed to, y’know, eternal damnation.”
“Who let the Gods out?”
"Oi... And it starts..."
“Guess who’s back in business. First three correct guesses win a special prize: Temporary torment, as opposed to, y’know, eternal damnation.”
“Zᴇᴜs, ғᴏʀ sᴛᴀʀᴛᴇʀs. I ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴇᴇ ʙᴏʟᴛ ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜ ɴᴀᴍɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ sᴏɴ sᴏᴍᴇ ʜɪᴘᴘɪᴇ ᴅɪᴘᴘɪᴇ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ʙᴜᴛ…”
Hʏᴀᴄɪɴᴛʜ ᴋɴᴇᴡ sʜᴇ ᴡᴀs ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ sɪᴅᴇᴛʀᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ. Cʟᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀ ᴛʜʀᴏᴀᴛ sʜᴇ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴄʀᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ ʜᴀʟғ ᴀ sᴍɪʟᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴏᴏᴋᴇᴅ ᴜᴘ ᴛᴏᴡᴀʀᴅs ʜᴇʀ ғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ. sʜᴇ ᴋɴᴇᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʟᴏᴏᴋ–ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʙʟᴀɴᴋ ᴇxᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ. ʜᴇ ᴡᴀs ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴜʀɴ Vᴇsᴜᴠɪᴜs ᴏɴ ʜᴇʀ, ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ʟɪᴋᴇʟʏ. Yᴇᴛ, ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟᴜᴇ ʜᴀɪʀᴇᴅ ɢɪʀʟ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ. sʜᴇ ᴡᴀs ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴏɴᴇsᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴇᴠᴇᴀʟɪɴɢ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʜᴇʀsᴇʟғ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇʀ ғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ғɪʀsᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ɪɴ ʜᴇʀ ʟɪғᴇ.
“ᴍʏ ɢɪʀʟғʀɪᴇɴᴅ, ᴀɴɴᴀʟɪsᴇ. ᴅᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ᴇʟsᴀ.”
“Alright. Alright. Alright, alright,alright,alright, I-” he stopped dead. Words failed him. “So... you prefer gyros to heroes. Izzit justa phase? Maybe. Who knows?But I got it. Got it. But, just... run that name by me again? Be a sourheart. The matriarchal, ever-so-queenly-sounding one?” he cooed and cracked a twitchy smile.
He acted sweet and well-tempered, but Hyacinth’s prediction was right. A volcano was bubbling up, and a the storm hid behind the calm.
The SUN did not shine as bright on this fateful day. Foggy clouds masked out the light, providing chills that ran over lilac skin. There was electricity in the air, TEMPTATION stimulating bored nerves. Dear Demeter, distracted by conversation with nymphs, would not notice her daughter’s short absence. Bare feet carried her far over deep green knolls, through a dying grove, & directly to the mouth of a DARK cave. The cold seemed to increase the closer she wandered. Curiosity urged her to peek inside. Where did this pitch black hole lead ? ❛ Hello ? Is anyone in there ? ❜
There it was. Hanging in the air was a tendril of smoke that danced and snaked its way from the mouth of the cave. As it danced, it wrapped around the waist of the fair goddess. The trail of it leading down a steep staircase, it almost seemed to GUIDE and PROVOKE her into a slow descent into the underbelly of the earth.
“Ring, ring, ring. Somebody’s home. ♫♫Give ya five guesses whoooOOooo♫♫”
The voice called from the cave. It was everywhere in the mist and the ebony enclosure of craggy rock. So sweet, and so tempting. It was calling to her, beckoning her inside.
"Hello father." The grinning brunette greeted him from her spot on his throne. (Charis-of-hades)
”HEY! My throne. Mine. Not yours. Get down from there!”
“Capisce? So, what? Whadya want?”
“What can’t a girl come visit her dad. ” she stood up.
“Visit? Fine. Sit in my spot? Not so much. I don’t think so. What are you even bothering me for anyways? Cripes, kid, I’m busy.”
“Just reminding myself why I don’t come home anymore. Also you really should replace pain and panic.” She smirked slightly.
“Trust me, kid,” Pain waddled passed her, Panic close behind. “He’s tryin’.”
“Remember. You gotta tell him,” Panic hid behind the more rotund imp as they entered and approached the Lord of the Dead.
“You kiddin’? One of his kids is tryin’ to get us fired, and, well... I’m kinda afraid she might be able to have that sort of leverage.”
“Nope, nope, nope,” Hades interjected. “Time out. I’m an Equal-Opportunity Torturer. No Favoritism goin’ on here if I got no favorites, got me? Now, you,” he pointed to Charis, “Be a good girl and decide if you’re sticking around or not, and you two, spill.”
“Waidaminute! Howdja know it was a spill?” Pain bit his nails and cowered.
“Oi. Migraine...” Hades rubbed his temples.
The secret to running a solid Disney character blog? Literally be Walt Disney.
“Wᴏᴀʜ—ᴡᴏᴀʜ–ᴡᴏᴀʜ, ʜᴏᴛʜᴇᴀᴅ. I ᴅᴏ NOT ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ɪᴍᴀɢᴇ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴀ sᴍᴏᴋᴇᴅ sᴀᴜsᴀɢᴇ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴍɪɴᴅ. sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅʟʏ…ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡʜᴏʟᴇ…ᴅɪᴠɪᴅᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴄᴏɴǫᴜᴇʀ ᴛʜɪɴɢ…ɪ ᴀᴍ sᴛɪʟʟ ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ɪᴛ. ᴘᴇʀғᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴛɪᴍᴇ. ʀᴏᴍᴇ ᴡᴀsɴ'ᴛ ʙᴜɪʟᴛ ɪɴ ᴀ ᴅᴀʏ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴊᴀᴢᴢ.”
Sʜᴇ sᴛᴀʀᴛᴇᴅ, ᴘʀᴏᴄʀᴀsᴛɪɴᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴀᴛ sʜᴇ ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ ʜᴀᴅ ᴘʟᴀɴɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ʜɪᴍ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴɪɴɢ. ᴀᴛ ʟᴇᴀsᴛ ɪᴛ sᴇᴇᴍᴇᴅ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ʜɪs ᴍɪɴᴅ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ɴᴏᴡ ᴡᴀs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴏᴀsᴛ sᴏᴍᴇ ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇ ғᴏʀ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜɪs ᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴏᴜs ʙʟᴜᴇ ʙɪʀᴅ. ʙᴏʏ ᴡᴀs ʜᴇ ᴡʀᴏɴɢ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ.
"ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ, ᴅᴀᴅ, ʜᴏᴛʜᴇᴀᴅ, ᴏʜ ᴘʀᴀʏᴇʀ ᴏғ ᴘʀᴏᴠᴇʀʙɪᴀʟ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ—ɪᴛ ᴡᴀsɴ'ᴛ ᴀ ᴜʜ, ɢᴜʏ, ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴍᴇᴛ. ʜᴇʀ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ɪs ᴀɴɴᴀʟɪsᴇ.“
ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs. sʜᴇ sᴀɪᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴋᴇʏ ᴡᴏʀᴅ. ᴛʜᴇ sɪɴɢʟᴇ ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴄʟᴜᴇ ʜᴇʀ ғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ɪɴ ᴛᴏ ᴡʜᴀᴛ sʜᴇ ᴡᴀs ᴛᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ–ʜᴇʀ ɢɪʀʟғʀɪᴇɴᴅ.
“WHAT KINDOVA HIPPIE DIPPIE, TREE NYMPH-HUGGING PARENT NAMES THEIR SON ANNALI-
Just as sudden as he went Code Orange, his flame went out altogether. The awed look on his face was beyond dumbstruck. His jaw was slack, his eyes were wide, and he was standing there bald and lightly toasted from the recent outburst.
“Didyousay”her”?” he cracked several octaves higher than his normal voice. “Did you say not a guy?! Then... Then that means...”
“ʏᴇᴀᴀᴀᴀʜ..ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇɴ'ᴛ ғᴏɴᴅ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʙʏ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴘʜᴏɴᴇ. ʙᴜᴛ sᴀʏ, ᴅᴇᴀᴅ-ᴇ-ᴏ, I ʜᴀᴠᴇ sᴏᴍᴇ ɴᴇᴡs ᴛᴏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ..”
Hʏᴀᴄɪɴᴛʜ ᴡᴀs ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ʜᴇʀ ᴍᴏᴜᴛʜ. Hᴇ sᴇᴇᴍᴇᴅ sᴏ ʟᴇɢɪᴛɪᴍᴀᴛᴇʟʏ ᴘʀᴏᴜᴅ ᴏғ ʜᴇʀ–ғᴏʀ ᴏɴᴄᴇ ɪɴ ʜᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜɴɢ ʟɪғᴇ. Cʟᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀ ᴛʜʀᴏᴀᴛ, Hʏᴀᴄɪɴᴛʜ sᴍᴏᴏᴛʜᴇᴅ ʜᴇʀ ғʟᴀᴍɪɴɢ ʜᴀɪʀ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ᴀ sᴇᴀᴛ ᴀᴄʀᴏss ғʀᴏᴍ ʜɪs ᴛʜʀᴏɴᴇ.
“ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʜᴏᴡ ɪɴ ʟɪғᴇ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ʙᴏʏs ᴡʜᴏ, ᴜʜ, ᴘʀᴇғᴇʀ sᴍᴏᴋᴇᴅ sᴀᴜsᴀɢᴇ— ᴡᴇʟʟ, ɪ ᴋɪɴᴅ ᴏғ ᴍᴇᴛ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ, ᴘᴏᴘs..”
“Hold that thought. One second, bluebird. Now that you bring that up, I have two things on my mind. One, I could go for a smoked sausage myself, actually. PAIN! PANIC! FETCH ME A WEINER, ON THE DOUBLE! And, speaking of weiners, onto the next topic,” Hades lit up Code Orange in a flash and extended a few feet upwards in absolute rage.
Granted, he barely raised her at all. Leave it to him to be a bit self-aggrandizing and not always on the honest side.
“Gotta second?! I got until the literal end of time, ya lil’ knucklehead. C’mere! Give your old man a hug! Hey, great t’see ya. How long’s it been? You don’t write, you don’t call, and, y’know, I only got so many extensions up to where you went. Sort of why you were the one who got the job in the first place, I mean really.”
The Lord of the Dead was in an exceptionally good mood. Of all the failures he’d endured, and all the times his underlings had failed him, this was the one time he felt giddy over the projected outcome in quite some time.
“Howdjado? Who’djakill? Details, details!” the words could barely escape his lips fast enough, a bright, fanged smile upon his face. He placed his cold hands on her shoulders and looked down with the expression of... well... a legitimately proud father.
And I spend more time developing my muse and thinking about what I’ll do with them more than I spend time on Drafts and trying to become an active member of the RP community.
"How the hell did you take Pete for Aphrodite? Especially when you were called over? I mean...Aphro call you over and act flirty...I mean-c'mon!"
As you can see from this completely legit and totally unedited comparison --- which, might I add, has not been doctored in any way --- I am, without a doubt, in the clear in the confusion between AphroPetey --- if you will --- and the actual, patron goddess of pains in my side and lovey, dovey schmultzy... stuff. I mean, they bear a striking resemblance, do they not? Y'gotta admit. I think so too.
If you still have any doubts, always consider I could, y’know, just sue you for defamation of godly character. Huh? How’bout that? Just talk to my lawyers; I gotta lot of’em down here, he-hey.
