Once again I'm here.

Here struggling to hold back the tears. Here using every bit of energy to not harm myself in some way. Here hiding the fact that I’m worse than people think. Here wanting to sleep forever. Here feeling like a bomb waiting to expose. Here reaching crisis point. Here at the bottom.

Once again, I find myself asking the same questions.. Will it ever end? Will I ever be truly better? And the biggest of all: What if..?

What if I die? What if things change? What if..? What if..? What if..?

Just far too exhausted to care anymore.

Venting..

April 22nd 2015.

10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. All birthdays I never wanted to see. Yet here I am today on my 20th birthday, still alive. I find myself wondering why.. Is it because I’m a complete failure and even ending everything is too hard? Is it punishment for me? Punishment for other people? Or is there a reason I’m still here? Perhaps for other people, to change the world, to make a difference. It’s a question I can’t answer, a question I may never be able to answer. I don’t want to be here today, I don’t want to see the rest of what my future may hold. But truth be told, it looks like I have no choice. Maybe that will change, maybe it won’t. But right now, I guess all that matters is, happy or not, i’m still here. I’m still alive.

- Sia 'Breathe Me'

Unbearable sadness. I want to feel physical pain, instead of this emotional pain. I want to sleep, I'm so tired. I want to eat, but I shouldn't. I want to take pills. I want to get drunk. I want everything to just stop.

I won't even see the end of this year. I have no intentions at all of surviving that long, staying alive until the end of this month will be a damn achievement.