In a dark, windowless room.
Mashima: Huh? What is this? Where am I?
Me: Good morning sensei, I'm glad you're awake.
Mashima: Why am I tied to a chair? Could you please untie me? I'm begging you!
Me: Sure, no problem, you just gotta promise me something first.
Mashima: Well if there's anything I can do to repay you then sure.
Me: Well I need you to make my ships canon as soon as possible, starting with NaLu and Gruvia, and then maybe Jerza and Gajevy.
Mashima: I... I'm very sorry, but I can't do that.
Me: Well yeah, sure, not right away, you'll need to start building it now so maybe in 30-40 chapters or so they can confess their...
Mashima: That is not what I meant.
Me: What do you mean?
Mashima: I'm very sorry, but I can't tell you, it will ruin the tension.
Me: Tell me right now! Otherwise I won't let you see daylight ever again.
Mashima: Well... you leave me no choice then. You might not be ready to hear this now, but Natsu will end up with Lisanna, his childhood sweetheart.
Me: What?! That can't be! She's hardly relevant anymore, she and Natsu barely interact!
Mashima: Well that's a technique I've been using to take the fans by surprise.
Me: But... Lucy! She'll be heartbroken!
Mashima: Lucy is actually part celestial spirit, she's bound to join her friends and end up with Loke.
Me: You can't do this to me! What about the rest of my ships? Gruvia will be canon, right?!
Mashima: Well, Jellal ends up dying, like Sieghart in Rave, and Erza starts developing feelings for Gray, which he accepts in the end. Juvia on her turn, finally returns Lyon's love for her.
Me: No! My Gruvia! Jerza!
Mashima: And Levy uses a forbidden magic, turning her to stone. Gajeel dedicates his life to reverse the spell, swearing to never love another woman ever again.
Me: Why must you do this to me?!
Mashima: It's for your own good. All the couples I presented so far were deceptions, shallow stereotypes perceived by society. My goal is to educate the fans, teach them of the true meaning of friendship and love.
Me: So me loving my ships has been wrong all along?
Mashima: Yes, that's right.
Me: No, that can't be true! Natsu and Lucy are precious cinnamon rolls, I must protect them. Their feelings for each others are true.
Mashima: You must open your eyes to the truth.
Me: No! You lie to me! I can feel it! Why?! Why are you saying that?! Haven't we been faithful to you sensei?!
Mashima: .... You're right, I lied to you, that's not the reason I do all that.
Me: Then why?!
Mashima: It's because... I enjoy trolling you.
Me: You what?
Mashima: Your tears are delicious. I cannot make a couple canon before I thoroughly maximized my satisfaction from tantalizing the fans.
Me: You leave me no choice.
Mashima: Oh please, what could you possibly do? You can hardly survive a week without a chapter, you'll have to eventually let me go.
Me: You're right, but before that, you'll know terror.
Mashima: You... You'll regret that! I'll post a chapter with an Ichiya x Erza color cover!
Me: Oh, it's worse than that, far worse than a horde of yaoi fangirls.
Mashima: No! What could be worse than never ending demands of Gratsu and Stingue?!
Me: I'm releasing... the delusional crack shippers!
Mashima: No! Anything but that! Bixanna makes no sense! And Jura x Flare was a joke! Plus Lyon and Meredy never even talked to... argh! Stop them! Make it stop!!!
