Well...

Uhm, hi. Well this is weird. Literally 4 years later...

 I was thinking of making a tumblr as an outlet. I need to write down my feelings and writing them on paper is too risky with my living situation. So, here I am!

I wanted to be anonymous. Not have any followers, sort of just have an outlet and somewhere to put everything but I couldnt because I was already using this email address. It got me thinking and well, I dont really NEED that. This was my outlet for years before, so why not again?

I broke up with my ex, Nick, a while ago. I started dating someone else a year and a half ago. I will keep the name private. Lets just go with J. 

J and I have been together for a year and a half now. Things are ROUGH. I wish I could write out our whole story but man, there is SO much. SO SO SOOOO MUCH. You have no idea. 

I’ll start with one of the big thing. Drugs. J struggles with cocaine. He told me from the beginning and I wanted to help him. Looking back, I probably should have left when he wasn’t trying to get better. He would hangout with friends who did that every weekend. He wouldn’t remove himself from those situations. When he drank, there was no going back and he wouldn’t stop drinking. His excuse? “I can’t”... you can’t? Why? I dont understand.. He said its who he is.. hes a partier... I know, silly. I went along with it though. I thought oh maybe he actually can’t! Just like when we fight, he can’t be calm. It just isn’t something he could do. Silly me. I fell for all of this and I’m still battling it because he is my bestfriend. He has lied to me about the drugs. Lied to me about who he is with, where he is. Hides messages... everything. It has been a year like this. the first 6 months were perfect. I thought he was the one. Then when this all happened, I thought i could change him. I am going to try harder and he will love me more and he will remove himself from those situations. He will stop messaging those girls. He will start to tell me where he is and who he is with and I will be able to believe him... I thought. I really thought I could change him... The most recent situation was... lol.. wait for it... he said.. and i quote “move in with me or we will have to break up” .. well.. i told him i wasn’t ready to move in with him. I’m saving for my future, my schooling, my house, my car.. “selfish” he said. selfish? excuse me but who gives someone that ultimatum... Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering how we are still together if he gave me that ultimatum and I didn’t move in with him.. Well.. He is moving in with one of his friends at the end of this month.. 1 week now i guess. the friend he is moving in with? Oh, just the one who does cocaine every weekend. Man, why do i care so much? I think the thought of him not actually loving me is the thing that hurts the most.. and losing my bestfriend. Yes, he lies and has treated me like crap in the past but apart from our relationship, he has made a good friend. He is fun to be with. I still like being with him. He is taking a step and isn’t drinking.. meaning he *cross fingers* wont be tempted to do blow around his friend (because that is what triggers it). I can’t trust that he won’t drink and won’t do blow because he has lied to me so many times in the past. So much that I don’t think i could ever build that trust back up again. I don’t think I can be with him if he lives there and he is moving in there in 1 fucking week. It sounds so stupid. Why? Why is this so hard for me. JUST GO JENNI!? Like? are you stupid? its so compicated. Its not that easy and i dont even know how to explain it. It should be easy.. but i am struggling. I am struggling a lot. Hence this post. It is my last resort. If you made it this far, thank you? lol. I just needed somewhere to write this. Thanks for listening.