I’m backkkkkk! Did you miss me?

Someone switched my redbox disc with a porn movie and this is both the most hilarious and most disappointing thing that has happened to me in a long time. Because, see, I really wanted to watch Mortdecai, but then this movie is set in the future, in space, and I’m pretty sure the girls are wearing aluminum foil skirts—– how do I get a refund? I should get a refund, I didn’t pay a dollar and some cents for sexy space aliens, I wanted to watch Mortdecai.

Oh wow, I totally forgot about that. I can do that – I’m going to need ingredients first, I don’t think they’d have ‘em around the house. 

Are you mad because I’m telling you about yourself?

No, I’m irritated because for some reason you can’t control your boner whenever you’re around me.

Not counting people you wish would pay attention to you so you can feel cool.

How much do I have to pay to get you away from me. 

Im afraid you don’t have any other friends, kid.

I have plenty of friends, actually.

You sound like a virgin.

Can you just leave me alone?

Was that your way of telling me you’ve never been kissed?

What? No. Of course not. I’ve kissed plenty of people.

Well, it wasn’t me so why don’t you quit with your attitude?

Did you leave a knock knock joke?

I’ll get you another pizza dude. 

Tried to one up this girl by throwing a complicated tumbling pass. It’s one I usually land— but I didn’t stick my landing properly that time, tore a ligament. It was the worst.

I didn’t eat your pizza – but, if you’re still hungry I’m totally down for ordering another one and splitting it. I haven’t eaten since this morning. 

And, what, you don’t want it? I’ll take it, give me the slice.