premier league clubs in a horror movie
arsenal: survives for 70% of the movie and u think they'll get out alive but then they die in february
chelsea: owns the house, thinks that locking themselves in the creepy dark basement is a good idea
liverpool: old dude in the shack on the lawn w a shotgun who shoots everyone and mutters to himself about the good old days
manchester united: old rich dude in the shack on the lawn w a shotgun who shoots everyone and mutters to himself about the good old days
manchester city: only went to the party they wanted to see what a house full of people was like, really regrets going
leicester city: pluckily defends themselves and defeats the killer but is first to go in the sequel
burnley: sort of there until you realise they didn't make it to the end but you don't remember where they died
stoke: will only survive if it's a rainy tuesday night
tottenham hotspur: has a gr9 moment when they knock out the killer with a frying pan but then fall out of a window or something else equally lame
everton: runs out of the house screaming, trips over grass
crystal palace: killed like 5 times but is somehow still alive
southampton: would have fared better but all their survival equipment kept getting taken from them
swansea: vaguely worried parent who tells everyone there's nothing to be afraid of, first to die
bournemouth: token minority character who you lowkey admire but forget about as soon as they die
west ham: were doing really well until they gave the killer the address of their new house
west brom: tries to play the hero bc they're tired of everyone calling them west ham, ends up being set on fire
watford: bit of a nerd who gets laid before they die so it's all good
middlesborough: survives bc everyone forgot they were there
hull city: rhetorically asks 'is anyone there?' like the killer's ever going to answer, only attracts the killer's attention
sunderland: died before the movie started
