and i hope you never get to experience it, i know well that you won’t be able to recover wholeheartedly

there will always be that unmendable hole that sinks your gathered will. there will always be moment where no matter how you thought you’re doing fine, you tend to always come back to that one thought or event you wished never happened

and i was there, in the midst of the crowd, with bright lights streaking and lively songs playing, i was there, trying with all my might to keep these tears from falling. my thoughts go down together with the beat, with all these people jumping, i only feel like being buried deep. i was silently breaking, not wanting to alarm anyone for it was all on me.

i can’t run away from these thoughts, and every now and then, they catch and swallow me whole.

i wish it never happened, that i didn’t see it, maybe turn back the time where my heart and soul is at peace with you because no matter how you reassure me, it won’t weigh the burden and pain it already caused me

i wish it was that easy to erase parts that weren’t pretty, maybe then i could still be genuinely happy with your words and actions, not doubting every word that came out of your mouth, every action and promises. until then, i wish to pick up parts i didn’t break to fill my mind that maybe, i can heal fully and feel again what was once gone.

i really wish you’ve thought twice about what you did, maybe then i don’t have to think three folds about it every time. i tried to keep my mind at ease and avoid pain for so long, for i know how dark it will be for me once i succumb to it. It was a long battle before i became this at peace with myself. Please don’t break me once again

it’s hard to unveil your book when you don’t even know it’s chapters, it’s pages and mere words. it’s 1:58 am and my tears are blurring out my vision, they’re my tears but somehow, i lose all control of them. i was doing fine the whole day, so these uncontrollable emotions and tears are a wonder to me

i’m torn with the feeling of thinking too much and thinking nothing at all. it was always being overstimulated and being numb, no in between.

i wish i knew the reason, too. i wish i knew what’s wrong with me, maybe then i could explain myself better, soothe myself and stop this numbing feeling that drags me every time

maybe then i could stop being a burden to the people around me. i know that while i try to hide whatever i was feeling, i tend to drag them down with me everytime i’m six meters down underground, buried with my thoughts and sadness alone

there it is, the feeling i’m too familiar with.

i’ve been trying to avoid it, but like the sinkhole that it is, i’m deep down in it, again- heavy chest, uncontrolled breathes, and my system that refrains from taking in anything. I’m trying not to worry anyone but what could i do? all will has left my body. I get up wishing i could fall back to sleep again. I have no appetite for anything, and when i try to eat, i only tend to feel like vomiting like my stomach has rejected it. Heart’s pounding, mind is unrested and throbbing- i just somehow don’t know how to be okay again.

it was too vivid, nyokie, i can still see you in every corner of this house. i can still hear your bell or your feet stamping as you go down the stairs as we call you for your meals. I even sometimes forget that you’re gone, i still expect to see you waiting for me, in your favorite loaf position by the corner of the stairs, staring like you wanna say something.

i’d give up anything to live one more day with you, nyok. maybe then i could prepare myself better tho i know I’ll never be, maybe i could’ve given you all the treats you want, felt your fur and remember how it feels like to touch you, to remember your voice and your complaint, annoyed meows.

you left us so suddenly, i’ve always imagined you growing old with us, to be here as we go through life phases and maybe meet my kids one day. I never imagined life without you, maybe because the thought alone pains me so much that i tried to set it all aside.

you’re not my first cat, but you were the first to teach me that i could love so much. I was there when you were born, mama cat left you inside the house so i had to step up and save you not knowing that you’ll save me instead.

I miss you so much, nyok. Not a day passes that i still hope i was just dreaming and that when i wake up, you’ll still be here, all cuddled up in my arms. i hope to see you soon nyokie, until then, maybe just visit me in my dreams, okay? have all the treats and chimken you want from up there! i love you so much my baby

it just sucks, giving it your all but somehow, it was always a little less for people to feel that you’re enough. i wanted to show that i care, to make you feel worthy, to make you feel loved the way you wanna be loved but it always turn out badly. Always the other way around.

there are fights within myself i have to win everyday- i don’t want to fight for you, too.

it was getting harder to express myself, each word mean the other, each thought doesn’t weigh the way it should. i tried to translate it into words but it all felt too shallow compared to how deep my mind was drowning into.

as you walk pass by people, look at them from afar or see how they present themselves at social media, you realize that we’re just sad little stories trying to cope up and actually try to survive the day

i’ve been staring blankly for minutes, trying to type away what’s weighing me down but somehow, I swallowed all my words, circling round in my stomach and it’s making me tremble and shake

this once again anxious feeling i could never get away from

one that’s unexpected but also the one that eats me up, washing my whole shore away, engulfing all energy left for me to stay sane.

had one of the worst attack tonight. i always had it in me- the urge. I knew i never recovered from it, it was always too shallow for me not to dig and dive in. But tonight, it was too much. Head was clouded of thoughts to end it all, i wanted to hurt myself so badly I began looking for things to do it to the worst extent i could possibly do. I was shaking, each breath fighting the other, harder by the second. I wanted to call for help, my parents? My sister? L? but fear and guilt overcame me. I never wanted to worry anyone. With tears blinding my vision, i searched for much needed help. I tried calling and texting anyone available to consult and ask help from. i had help. it wasnt a deep conversation but i felt validated. maybe that was all i needed. or maybe just someone to talk to during this time.

To future me, there’s no shame in admitting that you need help. Know when you need it

i hope i can skip chapters in my life. the fights within myself that i have to endure and win everyday. the bad parts where i feel like no matter how many people surround me, i feel empty and truly seen. the parts where i can’t recognize myself, the changes, the brokenness and the dark i’ve been living.

I wanted to think that it’s just the caffeine kicking, I really hoped it was. Months after, relapses came in waves. It was sudden, without a warning, engulfing my whole entire system. Hands trembling out of nowhere, heavy breathing every now and then, it was all too familiar.

hi zelle,

it has been exactly 1 year and 2 days since i last wrote to you. It’s because sometimes, i’m a little too happy to compose my thoughts or sometimes, too sad to sort it all out but this time, i’m lost- a little too lost. It was so great in the beginning, everything you could ever ask for, the one you’ve been longing for. It lasted for a while, made you feel sparks of both happiness and sadness, made you went through a roller coaster of emotions, too up and too down sometimes. But i started to doubt myself, made me question my worth. Are you really that kind of person? What have you become? Was it really bad? Was i really bad?

It was once again uncharted, the path you thought was too familiar became an unmarked road.

it will just hit you, a ball of fire straight into your system, burning your built, strong facade of emotions. You tried to keep it in, distracting yourself now and then but there are times when you just can’t seem to hide. you bottled it all up, contained every feeling but you’re too full of it, you explode with just one little shake

less thoughts, less feelings, less talk, less mistakes