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@ofchiaroscuro / ofchiaroscuro.tumblr.com

"I want to infect you with the tremendous excitement of living, because I believe you have the strength to bear it." - Tennessee Williams
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20th of October 2015 9:15PM

Tomorrow is Big Bang’s concert in Melbourne.. I’m so excited, words are not enough to explain this. But yeah, you will probably remember this year as the second year of university. The me at this point in time.. well it’s not hopelessness, probably just a few levels above this.. I’m not doing so well I guess, I don’t know where I’m going to be when I leave my studies, whether I want to continue on this path. I’ve been feeling slightly depressed for the past year and a half now, although I don’t really want to self-diagnose, otherwise it feels as if I’m deluding myself into this mindset... I want to be happy, well at least happier than mum’s life has been, I want to be able to make her happy, but right now it would just be the blind leading the blind, I don’t know if continuing will bring more suffering than just ending it. I don’t want to disappoint but I feel like that’s all I am capable of.. up until now.. 19 reaching 20 years, is this all I am capable of? Am I being selfish? But I want to see this world develop and grow in all its beauty... I want to grow... I don’t want this to be my limit, but I feel as if my sight has been covered by a grey sheet.. I want to see color again... so the me 8 years from now..

How are you?

What are you doing?

How are you spending your time?

Do you have a significant other in your life?

Have you matured?

Are you happy?

I really hope you’re happy.

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I tried to make sense of my own suffering and I found myself reducing my experience to metaphor. To unravel some interpretation to the events. As a survival mechanism we motivate ourselves to a meaningful narrative to make sense of it. And I think that ultimately this analysis provides a sense of justice. That there is hope, that there is a measure of dignity to what we may encounter as chance or fate or misfortune. We want to make sense of it and want to reduce it to a sense of metaphor. But as I’ve gotten older I think I’ve made an attempt to reduce metaphorical clutter in my life to see things as they really are without platitude. And sometimes suffering is just suffering. It’s just an accident of fate.
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reblogged
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yeule

ヘルタースケルター (2012)

Pretty on the outide… but like a fruit, the bugs have eaten from within.

(dir.) Mika Ninagawa

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