Author's Note: Post-canon-ish - for the sake of this fic and my sanity, I pretend that season 6 does not exist. Set immediately after the end of s5.

AKA I fell into a regrettable Glee-spiral during one of the 2021 lockdowns and eventually wrote sixteen thousand words of conversations and porn to resolve my feelings.

Rambling on why I'm OK with Callum not finding out yet

Fundamentally, I think that having Callum find out after Ben's managed to turn the corner for himself instead of being the person who saves him (yet again) opens up much more interesting story space for them both as individuals and as a couple.

Because they've been down this road before. Not for the same reason but Callum has supported Ben over and over again. And it's been lovely! But it's not a sustainable position, because the moment Callum's support is withdrawn or he doesn't get it quite right (and he can't always be perfectly 100% there for Ben because he is a flawed human being like everyone else) then Ben collapses into a self-destructive spiral - he withdraws Jags' protection, or picks up a random guy and then steals his car, or starts beating the shit out of random homophobes. Callum has done the best he's capable of and it's not enough because Ben needs professional help to deal with his shit, and he won't get it so long as Callum is there to pick up the pieces and make him feel better.

So, for Ben as a character I really want him to find his way to wanting to live and be better and be happy for his own sake. I'm also really enjoying the development of his other relationships, which have all (apart from Phil) taken a backseat while he's been with Callum.

In terms of Callum as a character, I'm always excited to see him written as a real person with flaws who can't read minds, and for me how he's acting right now makes sense. I think he's forgiven Ben a lot over the past few years because he thought that if (a) he loved Ben enough, and (b) he could get Ben away from Phil then Ben would be the good man Callum believes he is deep-down and it would all be worth it. But it turns out to be more complicated than that (for multiple reasons that Callum's not fully aware of) and now Callum's dealing with the built-up resentment from previous rows and also has lost faith that things will ever be different. It's not just the cheating - Callum was really (and legitimately, IMO) upset by Ben committing those attacks. And while I think he could have been more understanding of where Ben was coming from, I think Callum was bang-on when he suggested that Ben get counselling. Callum can't be Ben's therapist (and neither can Kathy, or Jay, or anyone else that loves Ben and is trying to support him). If Callum thought he could save Ben I firmly believe he'd be there right now, regardless of whether or not he knew the truth. But he doesn't, and I don't think that he's wrong.

(Also lbr I love angst and suffering and I don't want Callum to miss out on his share! The guilt when he finally finds out will be exquisite.)

So if Ben does manage to find his way through this without Callum's help, whether that's reporting Lewis to the police or speaking to a counsellor, I think that opens up really interesting new ground for them to navigate as a couple once Callum does find out, and gives them a much sturdier ground to build their relationship on going forward. Much as I'd love Callum to be involved right now, I think ultimately it would prove to be a short-cut that would avoid some really crucial character growth for Ben, and in the long run that's going to be essential for their relationship.

Holy shit, Ben didn't even lie in the end. He told Phil exactly what happened - that he was initially interested but changed his mind, that he was drunk, that he failed to fight back - and then asked 'was that rape?'. And Phil told him no, and said 'so you're all good?'.

My expectations were pretty fucking low and yet Phil still failed to meet them! And then followed it up by looking at a clearly wasted Ben and going 'yep, there's a man who should be in charge of a child today'. Way to fail two kids at once, Philip!

Didn't Ben use to go running quite often before him and Callum got together? I can remember at least a couple of scenes of him running through the market.

The casual awfulness of Phil has never been more evident IMO than when he referred to Pam as 'the undertaker's gran' and looked completely baffled as to why she would have visited right now or why Ben would have prioritised spending time with her.

Oh, I actually really liked that! Although they are a collective menace and Kathy should really have a warning sign up behind the bar :D

There's something very sweet and nuanced about Callum enjoying the mildest of friendly flirtations while being completely oblivious to the undercurrents at play. And I thought Ben handled it really well - he let things play out for a while, he spoke up when he became uncomfortable, he immediately took time out to check in with Callum, and he kept the conversation open when they did talk. It's so rare and nice to see Ben being emotionally mature, and it totally made sense in this context given his experience. I really like the balance he's striking between articulating his boundaries and letting Callum explore a tiny bit.

(I can't stop laughing though at the idea of them spending Christmas by themselves. They sleep on an airbed in Stuart and Rainie's flat! Where exactly do they think they're going to go?)

I wrote a fic!

Summary: The Continuing Adventures of Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham (deceased)

Keegan and Vinny, stop being knobs to Dotty just because you find her attractive!

Keegan, she didn't force you to sleep with her, stop slagging her off as if this is all her fault. And Vinny, she said she's not interested! She doesn't owe it to you not to sleep with other people! You don't have to be friends with her if you don't want, but you do not have the right to throw a hissy fit because she dared to have sex with someone who isn't you.

I've seen some weird shit on soaps in my time, but Jay printing out that email and bringing it round to Honey in person is going to haunt me.

Nice to see Kat being sensible enough not to sack Karen! I still think it's weird she's being so starry-eyed about Phil though. Also I did laugh at Ben being all about the gossip, bless him.

I did not think I'd come out of this storyline being Team Whitney! She's such a genuinely good person, and a good friend to Callum. There are not many people in her position who'd be pushing Callum to talk to Ben but she clearly recognises that's it's what Callum needs, and that he's using her as an excuse to avoid dealing with his PTSD.

Bernie and Tiff are both being extremely dumb right now, but in a way that I find believable for teenagers.

I love the Dotty/Sonia dynamic - they're so prickly together, but they're each exactly what the other needs IMO (also Dotty stabbing those balloons was hilarious).

Oh, poor Sonia! I'm enjoying seeing the Terry/Sonia relationship evolve though, and the Shirley/Frankie/Nany scenes were hilarious.

Poor Ruby :(

God, Mick and Linda are being so dumb. How many times have they done the 'no more secrets' dance now? Nothing stays secret on the square, especially when four people already know the answer and one of them used to be engaged to Jack. Plus literally everyone will be able to do the maths here, no matter how far along Linda claims she is. If there's one thing every single soap character knows how to do by now, it's count back nine months.

Lovely scenes with Ruby tonight though. It's a shame that the actress will be taking a break - between that and Stacey's return, I don't think that family set-up is long for this world. Still, good to see a warmer side to her (and to Lily as well, actually).

One good thing about Amy being so horrible - I really like that they're being consistent in her as a bully, rather than making all the kids take turns.

Tiff/Keegan are so fun right now! Aw, it's good to see them happy. And nice to hear Kathy talking about Abi - that's a connection that hasn't come up much since the show returned. And bless Jay for helping Will buy Billy a father's day card, he's such a good bloke.

Monday 14 June 2021:

'Max Branning is scum' is the truest thing ever said.

I have mixed feelings about this Bernie story, but I love seeing her interact more with Tiffany, Keegan and Karen - they're all so supportive of her, it's lovely. I also really like that no-one actually thinks she needs to lose weight.

Lovely scenes with Jean and Ruby!

Hm, that Vi reveal felt like a let-down to me. Stuart and Callum already hate Jonno, what difference would this make?

Max continues to be the literal worst even after he's left the show! Good grief.

I'm confused as to why Bobby didn't just use the spices in the Walford East kitchen? Still, fun scenes with him and Zack, and I liked Zack acknowledging the connection (although where are my Zack/Kathy and Zack/Ben scenes???). Also that Rocky scene cracked me up.

Nice scene with Bernie, Tiff and Karen! Karen's such a good mum, bless her.

A good couple of episodes for Ruby! I really liked Ruby, Martin, Isaac and Lola hanging out, and the Ruby/Jean/Lily negotiation, and the history bits with her dad (although wowww does Ruby remember him with rose-tinted glasses). I like how they're handling Isaac's story so far.

Poor Callum! I liked his conversation with Keegan. I also loved the scene with Phil/Kat/Callum/Whitney - so many different dynamics going on there! And bless Ben, he was being very sweet tonight. I don't think him ruling work chat off-limits for a little while is really why Callum isn't talking to him about this - I think Callum's using it as an excuse, and I think Callum himself doesn't entirely know why yet. Solid advice from Whitney though!

Vi is a horror but I loved those scenes with Honey, Honey's reaction faces were amazing :D

Love that we're seeing more drama for Stuart and Rainie, and how quickly Rainie sussed Stuart out.

Fitzy noooo! Oh dear, that's going to hit Callum hard :(

(I did enjoy the Callum/Fitzy scenes, and the parallel Ben/Kheerat ones, but I did feel like Callum was missing some crucial information out there about their current conflict - specifically that Ben's only recently found out about Callum going undercover and lying to him about it for months, and they literally haven't talked about that once since getting married a couple of weeks ago. Maybe they should!)

I also always weirdly love Callum/Phil scenes - I think it's because Callum's one of the few people on the square who really stands up to Phil. Like the Jack/Phil scenes on Friday, they were hilarious.

Rainie is about five seconds away from murdering Vi and I am right there with her :D

I enjoyed the Lola/Ruby and Ruby/Lily scenes! Lola/Ruby would make a good friendship pair, I'm looking forward to seeing them interact more.